Nash (Marked Men #4)(61)

“Whatever, Saint. Even if he didn’t say that nasty stuff about you, he said it about someone, and that still makes him a royal ass**le.”

That was what I struggled with. On the rare night I found myself at his place, that was what prevented me from staying the night, kept me from openly asking him to stay with me, and really it was what kept me from fully being able to trust him. I still didn’t feel like I knew who he really was. The Nash I was sleeping with, the one with the sad purple eyes every time he came from his dad’s house, the one who made me stretch what I thought I wanted and was comfortable with in bed, I was well on my way to falling back in love with. But there was this nagging doubt, these poking questions that jabbed under my skin, that there was still the part of him that could be hateful and cruel, and I just didn’t trust it. I had the unwavering knowledge that men, even men that I thought could do no wrong like my father, could forsake a relationship, no matter how great it was, for something they perceived as better. With that floating around in the back of my mind, I couldn’t allow myself to completely trust him, mostly because I was positive that if he disappointed me again, let me down, I would never get over it. The first time, when he was just a fantasy, had been hard enough; now that he was reality, it would kill me if he turned out to be someone I couldn’t appreciate or respect.

“I don’t know what to tell you, Faith. I’m trying to be careful, I’m not going to take any risk that puts my heart on the line, but I enjoy being with him. Can we change the subject back to Mom, so I don’t have to fight with you?”

She didn’t look like she wanted to let it go, but ultimately I was twenty-five, not seventeen, and I had to live and die by my choices, not anyone else’s.

“She’s putting the house on the market and has already rented a condo in Phoenix. She has a friend down there who is also recently divorced. I asked her to consider waiting until the baby got here, but she already has a realtor and movers hired. The house will sell fast.”

“I really think it’ll be for the best.” I honestly did. Being in that house, that town, she couldn’t escape the memories of Dad and her failed marriage and shattered heart. Maybe in Phoenix she could get a little bit of herself back.

“You moved all the way back here to help her out, to be closer to her and us. She’s not even thinking about that, and now, looking at what is happening, I almost wish you had stayed in California.”

She pouted a little and I rolled my eyes at how dramatic she was being.

“You’re still here. The kids are here. I love my job and I love my boss. If I want to go back for my master’s, I have a bunch of different schools to choose from. I don’t regret coming back to Denver. I’m happy with my life, Faith.”

I was. I really was, and now with the addition of Nash and the new and exciting way he tended to force me outside of my comfort zone, I was even starting to appreciate all the new things in it.

“Would you have said that a few months ago? Before him?”

That was a tricky question. I never had any complaints about my life. I was doing what I was meant to do, what I had always wanted to do, so I was fulfilled, but I don’t know that I was exactly happy.

“I’m not sure.” It was as honest as I could be.

“Well, I have to go save Justin from the kids. He has to work tonight.” She sounded put out and disgruntled.

I walked around the counter and put my arms around her in a hug she stiffly returned.

“Don’t worry about me or Mom. We’ll all be fine.”

She gave me a sad smile and headed toward the door. “I wish I could believe that. I’ve seen what broken hearts do to the women in this family, and it never ends well.”

She had a point, so I just stared at the door after it shut behind her.

I had the day off and didn’t really know what to do with myself. Lately, when I wasn’t working I was with Nash. Before, when I had a day off I would spend it reading, or just puttering around the house, or with Faith and the kids. How boring was that? I had no social circle, no place to be, or anyone missing me. Maybe Sunny was right and I was just starting to see what living life fully meant.

I got dressed and decided instead of staying at my apartment and brooding, I was going to go shopping and find something cute and sassy to wear to the bar tonight so that when I met all of Nash’s crew I would feel confident and as comfortable as I could be. I wasn’t going to let my insecurity and nervousness ruin what could be an enjoyable night out even though I knew I was going to be on the spot. His friends wanted to meet me because we were spending so much time together lately, and I knew that it was unusual for him to be interested in the same girl for so long. I just hoped their reaction was different from Faith’s. I didn’t want them to tell him he could do better, because a secret part of me wanted to be the best thing that ever happened to him.

“It doesn’t bother you?” I was a little drunk, possibly sloppy, and talking way more than I normally did. Someone was passing around tequila shots, and to calm my nerves I may have had more than I meant to.

Shaw was really sweet and really pretty. She had made a beautiful bride, but up close and personal, the softness and sweetness that shined out of her was hard not to just melt into. She was also pre-med and really close to getting her undergrad, so she had about a million and one questions about what it was like working in an ER, which meant I got to talk about my favorite thing, my job. I could do that with or without the tequila.