NICE GIRL TO LOVE (THE COMPLETE THREE-BOOK COLLECTION)(25)

“Sixteen. And yeah, that’s what my folks kept telling me.” Hot tears welled in her eyes. “To this day, I still can’t believe I put them through all that.” Her voice broke. “After how hard they worked to give me a great childhood, that’s how I repaid them. I didn’t have a sad home life or tragic backstory; my own selfish idiocy was the sole reason I’d turned into a teenage slut.”

“Don’t ever call yourself that!”

She jumped, never having heard such a hard edge to his voice before. “But I was. A slut for him, at least. It’s okay. I don’t blame myself or anything self-destructive like that. But I don’t make excuses for my part in it either. I’m not proud of who I was then and my not sweeping it under a rug is what has made me who I am today. Like you said, I could’ve said no at any point. It was on me that I didn’t.” When he started to object, she shook her head firmly. “Don’t try to convince me otherwise. My body, my decisions. And as you can see,” she waved her hands over herself. “I turned out just fine. From porn star to professor.”

“That’s not funny,” he bit out.

“Yeah, my mom doesn’t like that joke either. Whenever I make a crack like that she always scolds me and tells me I should let go of the past. Let go more, period. She seems to think I overcorrected a bit with my life, but I don’t. I like who I am now. If guys call me a goodie-goodie stuck-up tease, so be it. I know who I am.”

“And who is that, Abby?” asked Connor softly.

“I’m the nice girl by choice—my wish, my reality.”

His eyes hardened. “So now I’m the new * corrupting that reality.”

Her brows shot up in alarm. “What?! No!”

“Is that what the sexual inquisition was about the other day?” Now he sounded downright livid. “All that threesome talk? Is that what you think of me? You think I’m like that monster who tortured you in high school?!”

“Of course not!” she gasped. “I asked you all that because I was genuinely curious. What happened when I was sixteen wasn’t about the sex, it was about the control. The control I gave up over my own life.” When he looked unconvinced, she grabbed his wrist. “I’m telling you the truth.”

“Are you?” He pulled away. “You tell me guys basically call you frigid but here you were the other day asking me about every raunchy thing I’ve ever done. I know you weren’t just teasing me, either; you’re just not built like that. So what the hell, Abby? Do you see me the way you saw that guy? Do you feel like you have to turn into a slutty plaything for me? Because it’s not true. Not at all. I’d hate to have any woman be like that for me.”

“I know that, Connor, I swear. I wasn’t planning on losing myself with you, or for you. All that talk wasn’t specific to you. I’d have had the same questions for any guy whose sexual history differed from mine. In fact, I make sure of it so we both know what we’re getting into. I’m not repeating the mistakes I made back then; I know the difference between identity and fantasy now. Whether or not I like your fantasies, I’m not changing my identity. Not for you or for any man.”

“Stop talking about being with another man!” he exploded.

She eyed him warily.

“What if I’d wanted the threesomes, Abby? What then?”

“I-I would’ve considered it seriously...and decided if it was something I really wanted.”

“So consider it now. Humor me.” His scowl was fierce.

She shoved a ruthless lid on her embarrassment, trying desperately to show she really did want a logical discussion about this. Heck, she’d had it with each of the three other guys she’d dated seriously in the past. Just…in a far more hypothetical manner, since their fantasy sexcapades didn’t come close to Connor’s real life history. “I’d be too jealous to share you with another woman,” she confessed. “So I’d have said no to that right off the bat.”

A low grunt was his only response.

“As for you and another guy.” She bit her lip. “I admit the thought of it is a little hot. But…” How was she supposed to explain it? How was she supposed to tell him that she wouldn’t, couldn’t even remotely consider a threesome if true emotions were involved…something that was fast becoming the case with Connor. “I feel like I’d lose the connection of being with you, just the two of us. So no, I wouldn’t want that either.”

He gave her a measured look before replying gruffly, “I feel the same way.”

She smiled at his clipped, audibly relieved response. There, that wasn’t so bad. “Then it’s settled—no threesomes. See? Mature and rational. I know when I brought it up the other day we were goofing around but this was what I wanted. This control right here? I gave him this when I was sixteen. That’s what I hated the most about it all. So now I keep that control secured tight. Live by it, rise and fall by it.”

His expression softened. “That’s what you meant when you said you need the two weeks you asked for? For control?”

“Yes. Back then, I felt like I didn’t know my own mind, and that the few times I did, I didn’t stand up for what I wanted, good or bad. If I’d wanted to be a slut, I wouldn’t have hated myself so much. But that wasn’t the case. I was weak, every bit the mindless plaything he’d turned me into. Too scared to admit to him what I did and didn’t want, and foolish enough to convince myself that his wants were mine.” She unloaded a long, emotional breath as she reflected on all these tenets of her life that she hadn’t thought about in awhile. “I’m never going back to that. Not in any shape or form. Now, every decision in my life is mine. I take a good look at my wishes, whatever they may be, and work hard to make them my reality. That’s how I came back from all of it, by taking 100% ownership of my life.”