Misbehaving (Sea Breeze #6)(60)

Jason moved his thumbs so that they brushed my stomach in a gentle caress. “Then why won’t you look at me?” he asked.

Because you didn’t choose me first. Those words sounded shallow, yet they kept repeating in my head. I wish it wasn’t important to me. I wish my self-esteem was better and that kind of thing wasn’t a weakness of mine.

“This morning has been intense, and I just want to go back to sleep,” I told him, forcing myself to look at him so he wouldn’t push that issue.

Jason reached up and took my chin between his thumb and forefinger so I couldn’t look away. “You aren’t telling me something.” He sounded frustrated.

“I don’t want to talk about it. I’ll be okay. Just give me some time to deal with my own insecurities. I’m working on them,” I explained, trying to sound flippant.

“I never want to make you feel insecure. If I have to dedicate my life to making sure you know where you stand with me, I will. So don’t give me that shit. If you have something to deal with, tell me. I’ll fix it.”

He couldn’t fix this. He didn’t realize that it had already been done. His immediate impulse was to protect Johanna. Not me.

I wondered if he had loved her. If he had ever told her he loved her. I loved him, but he hadn’t told me he loved me. Maybe that was it. He didn’t love me but he had loved her. She had that hold on him. I started to move again, wanting to get away from him, but he continued to hold me still.

“Talk to me, Jess. Please,” he begged.

“You had to choose, and you chose her. When pressed for an answer, you chose her feelings over mine. Nothing that happened after that matters. Because it was after I manipulated you.” I stopped and looked out the window because I couldn’t stand looking at him while I admitted this. “I wanted to be your fist choice, so I forced you to pick me. It was wrong. I don’t want you to put me first because I use your jealousy against you. I want you to think of me first because it’s the way you feel. I’m tired of trying to be someone’s first choice. I’ve done that, and I’m exhausted. I won’t do it anymore. I just won’t.” Jason’s grip on me loosened, and I used that opportunity to get off his lap and put some space between us. I didn’t look back at him, and I didn’t say anything else.

He had wanted me to talk, and now that I had he had nothing to say. I wished I could reach the button so I could let the driver know to take me home. I wanted out of this car. I wanted to run until I couldn’t run anymore.

“I didn’t realize it hurt you. You acted like it wasn’t a big deal,” he said in a pained voice.

“Really? That’s what you’re going with?” I asked angrily. “If I were to go to a dance with a guy friend because I had promised him I would and you knew his hands would be touching me while we danced, just how would you feel? Would you be okay with that?”

He didn’t reply. I knew he couldn’t honestly tell me he would be fine with it. When I had thrown it back in his face, he had cracked. So how could he say that he didn’t think it would bother me?

“You’re right. I didn’t think,” he said. “My first thought should have been to protect you and your feelings. I’m so sorry, Jess. I’m not good at this. I don’t do relationships, and I obviously suck at it.” He sounded so defeated.

I couldn’t stay mad at him. It wasn’t his fault that he didn’t love me. He cared, and that was all I would ever get from him. I knew that already. I was expecting him to react the way a man in love would. He couldn’t.

“It’s okay,” I said, turning to look at him. “I was expecting too much. I’m sorry.”

Jason’s frown only deepened. “Don’t apologize. This is all me. You deserve better than the way I treated you this morning. But if there is any way you can forgive me, I swear I’ll be better. I’ll figure this relationship thing out and get it right.”

He was willing to try, which counted for something. He still didn’t get that his first instinct should have been to choose me. But then, he wasn’t in love, so that wouldn’t be what he first thought of. I wasn’t looking for someone who would put me first, I was looking for someone to love me.

The realization was sad and pathetic. I had let this thing with Jason mean too much. I didn’t want to lose what little time I had with him until a Johanna came into his life and he fell head over heels in love with her and I was forgotten.

“Okay,” I said, fighting back the emotions that the thought of losing him stirred up.

“Okay?” he repeated. “I’m forgiven, okay? Or you’ll think about it, okay?” he asked.

“You’re forgiven,” I replied.

He let out a sigh of relief and bent his head to capture my mouth with his. I closed off all other thoughts and enjoyed him. Enjoyed this thing we had that I had let myself believe could be more. I accepted what was real and kissed him back, knowing I was going to need every memory I could make with him to keep me warm one day.

JASON

When her body melted against mine, I felt like I could take a deep breath again. I had been so damn scared. The hurt look in her eyes was going to haunt me for f**king weeks. I had to come up with a way to prove to her how important she was to me. Until then, I needed to reassure myself that she wasn’t about to walk out of my life in search of that guy who puts her first.