Mid Life Love (Mid Life Love #1)(5)

His face reddened and he shook his head. “I wanted to go up there and confront them, but I knew I would’ve killed them—both of them. I can’t pretend that I don’t know anymore, Claire. I can’t pretend to be happy about a baby that’s not mine, and when I got this last set of pictures today, I made up my mind... I’ve hired a lawyer and I’m telling her it’s over tonight. I just thought I would let you know the real reason why before she lied to you like she lied to me.” He banged his fist on the table.

I looked through the photos once more, hoping that my eyes were playing tricks on me, that it wasn’t really my best friend and my husband in the shots—praying that I was in some type of sick nightmare.

But the images never changed. It was true.

“Cheers to faithful spouses.” Barry poured another glass of wine and practically forced me to drink it.

That wine was disgusting, but not as disgusting as the following weeks would be...

“It’s okay, Claire.” Sandra motioned for me to switch seats with her. “Let’s go home.”

Chapter 1.5

Claire

The summer my divorce was finalized, I wasn’t sure what to do with my life. Everything I’d ever known, everything I ever was, was all entwined with Ryan. He was a huge part of me, an engrained piece of my identity, and I didn’t know who the hell I was without him.

I wanted to do the whole Eat, Pray, Love thing—you know, travel the world and try to find myself while tasting new foods, soaking up new cultures, and having reckless sex with a young, hot Brazilian—but I knew that was completely unrealistic: I was in serious debt, I was terrified of planes, and too much time without my daughters would’ve driven me insane.

So, instead I opted for long walks in the park, walks that usually ended with me curled up against a rock—sobbing until my sides ached.

No matter how hard I tried pretending to be “fine,” there was always something that triggered a miserable memory of my failed marriage: A young couple playing with their children in the park, a flower stand vendor offering discounts on red roses, a group of college kids wearing their “University of Pittsburgh” T-shirts.

I tried reading books about divorcées who overcame their pain, hoping to feel inspired or enlightened, but they only made me more depressed. I tried hanging out with my other friends, thinking they would distract me from my agony, but they were more interested in throwing pity parties.

After months and months of non-stop bawling, I decided to attack my heartache in stages—well, “phases” if you will:

There was the “Dr. Phil and mint chocolate chip ice cream” phase, where I sat up and watched the good doctor rip cheating spouses to shreds. I recorded each and every episode and watched them over and over. I even imitated the twang in his voice as he said, “Whyyyy would you do thattt?!” And I rewarded myself an extra scoop each time I didn’t yell “Liar!” when the cheating spouse tried to justify himself.

There was the “recent divorcée group” phase, where I tried to connect with other hurt women at a local church. It was kind of like Alcoholics Anonymous, but shockingly more depressing. None of the women could get two sentences out without sobbing; and, by the time it was my turn, I was too numb to speak.

I was planning to end this phase after a few weeks, but after one particular meeting, the lead advisor asked me not to come back. She said she’d noticed that every time I was asked to give a suggestion about an ex-husband to a grieving divorcée, I always said, “You should have him murdered.”

I assumed the dead pan tone of my voice and the seriousness in my eyes prevented them from seeing that I was joking...

I even went through an “I am woman, hear me roar” phase where I made the following drastic decisions: 1) Cut my waist length hair to barely shoulder length. 2) Picked up a new habit—smoking, which lasted all of one day. 3) Got a tattoo of my “freedom date” (the date of my divorce) on my foot, pierced my ears, and actually accepted the shop’s complimentary belly button piercing. 4) Blasted female power anthems whenever I was in my car, in my work office, or at home cleaning. (I’m pretty sure my daughters trashed and burned my Shania Twain CD...) 5) Sold all my worldly possessions—except my TV...and my e-reader...and my iPod...and my—Okay, so I just gave away everything that belonged to Ryan.

As I was testing out all these phases, my career as senior marketing chair for Cole and Hillman Associates continued to suffer miserably: Our newest client’s product was named “Infidelity” and the company insisted on using the phrase “Some vows were made to be broken” as the tagline.

It wasn’t until I spent an entire day crying in a public restroom that I realized what I had to do.

I had to leave. I had to start moving on.

I quit my job, withdrew my daughters from school, and packed up my SUV. I used what little settlement money I received from my divorce and made the cross country drive from Pittsburgh to my mom’s hometown of San Francisco, California.

I bought a small fixer upper in a quaint neighborhood, a house at the very top of a slope. I watched numerous HGTV shows and completed several home improvement projects as my therapy, as a way to keep my mind busy: I stripped all the carpeting and installed hardwood and sleek ceramic tile. I painted each and every room—soft taupe, cream-less ivory, café olay, woodsy red.