Make Me (Broke and Beautiful #3)(60)

“You say that now,” he interrupted, taking a step toward her. “And I know you believe it, too. But I’ve seen what happens when someone settles. When someone gets stuck. I didn’t want that to be you. I couldn’t f*cking bear it.”

“So this whole time, you wanted to be with me . . . but the money stopped you?” He nodded, the intensity in his eyes robbing her of oxygen. One masculine hand reached out for her, but she stepped back. “Was it your lack of money . . . or the fact that I have too much?”

His hesitation told her the answer. “Both.” He tried to shrug, but his shoulders seemed so tense, it came off awkward. “That morning on the beach . . . I thought I could get past it. I could get past anything if you’d sleep beside me, right?” His hand flexed at his side. “Then the lawyer offered me the money, and I knew it would be in my face, every second of the day. Your parents, people you work with, would never stop reminding you how much better you could do. Better than me.”

“What money—”

“So I went out, Abby. And I got better.” His deep voice vibrated through the small space. “I’ll never be good enough for you, but I’ll try harder than anyone.”

“What money are you talking about?”

It visibly took him a second to focus. “Mitchell flashed a bunch of hundred-dollar bills, told me you wanted me gone. That you wanted to help finance Hart Brothers. A parting gift.”

She lowered herself onto the edge of the bathtub, her knees going weak. “And you believed him?”

“After I thought I hurt you, I wanted to keep feeling shitty, Abby. I didn’t deserve to feel any other way. So I believed anything that would keep me feeling shitty.” His eyes were haunted as they ran over her, head to toe. “I’m sorry I believed it for even a second.”

Her laughter didn’t hold a trace of humor. “You’re so worried about hurting me. Do you know how awful I’ve felt these last couple weeks? Do you? Not knowing why you couldn’t just want me permanently? Why you kept disappearing?”

A rough noise burst from his mouth. “God, I didn’t mean for you to feel that way. I’ll never disappear on you again. I never want to be away from you.” He dragged a hand over his shaved head. “I needed to know I could make you happy before I made you mine.”

Abby shot to her feet. “I was yours! We’ve belonged to each other since we met.” She gathered her towel closer. “Or did I imagine it?”

“No,” Russell grated, his voice shaking. “You didn’t imagine a damn thing. I’ve been living for you since you walked out onto the stoop.”

“Only you didn’t really want me, Russell. You wanted Abby minus the money and how the money made you feel.” She felt tears threaten and forced them back. “The money is part of who I am, where I came from. It doesn’t define me, though. But you let it define us.” She slumped sideways onto the sink. Had she felt exultant only moments ago? How had everything crashed down around her so quickly? “And you didn’t give me a say, Russell. That’s the worst part. You maneuvered me from behind the scenes like everyone else in my life, putting me where you could be comfortable having me. An Abby your ego could handle.”

“No.” He was across the bathroom in a single, long stride, cupping her face like a cherished treasure. It made her want to throw herself on the floor and shatter into a million pieces, just to prove she wasn’t something to be placed on a shelf, out of harm’s reach. “I wouldn’t change a single thing about you. How can you say that?”

“You did change me.” She tugged away, staving him off with a hand when he followed. “Maybe the last month has changed me. I’m not sure yet, but I have to believe the change is for the better. I’m pissed as hell that you made decisions concerning us without me. Porca troia, Russell. I wanted you just as you are—”

“Don’t. Don’t say wanted like it happened in the past—”

“—but you want a different version of me. I’m capable of making calls concerning my life, and you took that away. I don’t need you to give me a comfortable life. I can do that for myself. What I needed was someone to love. Someone to love me back. What would have mattered beyond that?”

She didn’t see the Russell she knew anymore. He’d withdrawn into himself, staring back at her blankly. A painful rupturing took place inside her, self-hatred over hurting the man she loved warring with pride that she’d stood up for herself. But that pride was quickly being swallowed by the screaming need to take back everything and shake Russell until he returned from wherever he’d gone. If she took back her opinion, if she excused him for making her feel less-than for weeks, though, there was every chance it could happen again. Not to mention, she would lose a healthy amount of respect for herself.

“What are you saying?”

She reached deep and found the remaining dram of courage. “I’m saying, you should leave. I don’t think there’s anything more to say right now.”

“Right now,” he repeated dully.

“I don’t want to lose you as a friend.” Oh God, the pressure behind her eyelids was growing so tremendous, all her concentration went into making sure the tears didn’t fall. Russell would feel compelled to comfort her, and she’d never survive that. “It might just take awhile.”