Make Me (Broke and Beautiful #3)(50)

Since Sunday morning, he’d been alternating between self-loathing and numbness, interspersed with bouts of misery, mostly because he wanted to see Abby. Wanted to kiss any marks he’d left on her body and apologize until his vocal cords gave out. Then he’d remember she very likely hated him and wanted him out of her life, which would inevitably send him back to numbness.

Why was he even bothering with this goddamn bank meeting? Why had he spent the last couple days revamping his entire ten-year business plan, whittling it down to a solid five like Abby had suggested? What did any of his goals matter now that the ultimate one had been removed from his grasp? It was possibly the worst punishment he could devise for himself because if heaven smiled on him, and he was granted the business loan, he still couldn’t have Abby, yet he’d know how close he’d come. And that would f*ck him up for the rest of his life. Good. At least the pain would remind him of her. Now that he wouldn’t see her anymore, he needed all the reminders he could get.

Russell frowned when—out of nowhere—Alec dropped into the chair beside him, tugging at the neck of his dress shirt. “Who the hell designs a shirt with cardboard tucked into the collar? Would you please tell me?”

“You’re supposed to take it out,” Russell answered, barely recognizing his own voice. “What are you doing here? I thought you were in Vegas filming the ninja show.”

“American Ninja Warrior,” his brother enunciated. “And a man has to have priorities, right? I got all the way to Vegas, suited up for the obstacle course and everything. But in the end, I couldn’t leave you to do this alone. I knew where I needed to be. Right here. With my not-so-little bro.”

“Really?”

Alec blew a sigh at the ceiling. “Nah, man. I got knocked out in the first round.”

Russell wanted to laugh. Or smack Alec on the back. Anything, but he didn’t have the energy. Might never have it again. “Sorry to hear that.”

“Ah, no big deal. Vegas was . . . too big or something.” Alec planted both elbows on his knees and leaned forward. “New York is bigger, but I know it. It knows me.” He looked uncomfortable having voiced his feelings. “I couldn’t get back here fast enough, you know?”

Funny enough, Russell did know. He’d felt the same way on the bus ride home from Southampton. Only there’d been a conflicting pull the farther he got from Abby, relentless in its reminder that home was in the other direction. She was home. Russell rubbed at his eyes. “Believe it or not, I’m glad you’re here. I didn’t exactly bring my A game.”

“No shit. You didn’t even break my balls over getting knocked out in round one.”

“A lot of men finish prematurely, man. Happens all the time.”

“Fuck you,” Alec said on a hearty laugh, earning him a scowl from the closest bank employee. “Seriously, though. You didn’t sleep on my couch while I was gone, so where’ve you been?” When Russell shook his head in lieu of answering, Alec pressed. “Heard a pretty girl stopped by the apartment looking for you last week.”

Something wrenched in his gut at the mention of that day. Jesus, she’d been so beautiful on his front porch, holding cupcakes. So sweet and unblemished until he’d ruined her. “I’ve been sleeping at the house,” Russell said hoarsely. Which wasn’t a total lie even if he’d been working almost nonstop since returning from the Hamptons. Just another form of self-inflicted torture. Building the house, securing the loan. All for nothing, apart from guaranteeing his misery.

“You think I’m going to let you skip the pretty-girl part?”

Denying her existence seemed infinitely wrong. So did telling one more lie where Abby was concerned. “I lost the pretty girl.”

Bafflement showed on Alec’s face. “So what have you done to get her back?”

“I can’t.” It hurt saying the words. Beyond belief. “There’s no getting her back.”

“What?” Alec appeared to be praying for patience. “Do you have any idea how many times Darcy told me to take a hike when we were dating? If I’d listened to her, I would have hiked to Europe and back by now.”

“This is different.” I acted like an animal. I didn’t treat her the way she deserves. “She wouldn’t have been happy with me, anyway. It would have been like—”

“Like Mom. Is that what this is about?” Uncharacteristic sympathy crept into his brother’s eyes. “You think no one has a chance because of what happened? Come on, Russell. You’re supposed to be the smart brother.”

It felt good to experience irritation. At least it was something other than desolation. “You see this bank we’re sitting in? She could walk in here and withdraw enough cash to match the Yankees salary cap.”

Alec sat back in his chair. “Wow. We’re talking four zeroes here?”

“Four zer— ” Russell pinched the bridge of his nose. “Let me do the talking in this meeting, okay? Seriously.”

“Fine by me.” Alec slid the cardboard insert from inside his collar and tossed it into the small, metal trash can. “Listen, Russell. I, uh . . .”

“What?”

“How was I supposed to know this thing with Mom was messing you up? You never say anything about it.” Alec lowered his voice. “You were the one who was home with her most, you were the one who found her. It makes sense that it would be on your mind more. But you can’t let it change your destiny, man. Your fate is divine.”