Lovely Trigger (Tristan & Danika #3)(96)

He gasped in a harsh breath so violently that I found myself breathing with him, as though I couldn’t suck air into my lungs fast enough, as though we were both suffocating with my confession.

“It did enough damage that the doctors knew right away that I could never get pregnant again.  It is not just unlikely for me to get pregnant, it is impossible.  I was hemorrhaging badly.  They were forced to perform a hysterectomy.”

This little reunion had been a hopeless fantasy from the start.

He was sobbing now.  Brokenly.  I’d never seen a grown man cry like that, great heaving sobs, as though the world were ending, and there was no earthly reason to hold back the despair.  He hadn’t even been like this for Jared, and we had both done our share of crying for his dear brother.

“It was a long time ago, Tristan, and it was nobody’s fault.  It was a tragic string of events that no one could have seen coming, let alone stopped, and we’ve both suffered enough for that night.  Please stop blaming yourself.  I did a long time ago.”  I was sobbing by the end, right along with him.

He was inconsolable.  I tried to talk at first, making good, valid points to him between my own sobs, but he seemed to hear none of it, just cried as though he’d never cried before, the dam had broken, and he would never stop.

Finally, back bent, body slumped, I went to him.  It was a hard thing for me to do, because I knew that at the end of this, I’d be saying goodbye to him and letting myself comfort and take comfort from his touch would only make it harder.  I wasn’t going to try to hold onto him forever through his guilt.

I knew more than anyone how much he wanted children.

As much as I did.

I would let him go.  I was capable of that much, at least.

I touched his head softly as I finally reached him.  Two arms had never been so grateful as the ones he wrapped around me.  His face burrowed into my neck.  He said the same thing, over and over, between those raw, awful, gasping, wrenching, sobs.  “I’m so sorry.  I’m so sorry.  I’m so sorry.”

I stroked his hair, tears flowing freely down my face and into the soft strands.  I tried words again.  “Things worked out how they were supposed to work out.”

He shook his head, his face in my belly.  “No.  No.  No.  This is not how things were supposed to work out.  I wanted that baby.  Our baby.  Our babies.”  He sobbed brokenly for torturous minutes, before he continued.  “I wanted our family.  I’ve never wanted anything so much in my life.”

I took a few deep, steadying breaths, wondering how I would do this, how I would be able to collect myself enough to walk away.

I had to try.

“It’s not in the cards,” I began, haltingly, gasping with the effort, as though my body were so at war that my lungs would not cooperate, and my vocal cords would no longer take direction from my brain.  “I’m sorry, but I can’t do this anymore.  It’s not an option.  I know you think I’m good for you.  I get that now.  But can’t you see that you aren’t good for me?  I’m trading my peace of mind for split seconds of bliss here.  I look at you, and I remember.  I remember what I’ve lost, what I should have been, what I could have had.  Some of it feels good, but just as much of it is near unbearable for me.  I could find someone, someone else, who didn’t only remind me of the things I’m not.  Of the things I’ve lost.  In fact, I intend to.  And you, you can find someone else that doesn’t make you remember, either, doesn’t tear you up with guilt.  Some relationship without a lifetime’s worth of baggage, weighing it down.  I’m sorry, but I can’t see you anymore.  I wish you the best in your life, and so I’m setting you free.”

Somehow, I peeled myself away from him and left.

He let me.

I couldn’t even look at him after that last bit, so I had no clue what it cost him to keep his silence while I sliced us both open and walked away.

CHAPTER THIRTY-EIGHT

I did what I always did when I was too weak to stand.  I went home.

Bev welcomed me with her warm heart and her open arms, as she always had.

I poured my heart out to her and told her everything I’d avoided telling since Tristan and I had started seeing each other again.

She took it well, didn’t judge, only soothed and listened and soothed some more.

I hadn’t even been there for five hours when Frankie showed up, and I wasn’t at all surprised.  It seemed to be her MO.

She was like our combat nurse, always showing up after a battle to help each side nurse its wounds.  I must have been the one she’d decided was more badly injured, if she’d found me this fast.

Bev let her in and poured her a glass of red wine.

“Why do I always take life so seriously?” I asked them both.

Neither had an answer except to give me sympathetic looks.

“You know, I’ve never smoked crack,” I told mostly Frankie, but of course, Bev had the stronger reaction.

“What the hell are you talking about?”  She sounded appalled.

“We used to have this homeless guy that would creep into the gallery, like a couple of times a week.”

“Dirty Jim,” Frankie guessed.