Lovely Trigger (Tristan & Danika #3)(9)

He had noticed, but he shocked me by just patting my shoulder as he took a seat on the bench next to me.

“Jared’s dad is an ass**le,” I explained.  Though to two ten year old boys, there was never a good excuse for crying, it was the best I could do.

“Yeah man, he’s a jerk, but at least he’s nice to Jared.”

That was true.

He elbowed me playfully until I looked at him.  He pointed to the battered side of his face.  His eye was swelled nearly closed.  “Don’t worry about never meeting your dad, man.  It could be worse.  He could show up every once in a while, beat the shit out of you, and do much worse things to your mother, right in front of you.  Trust me, I’d trade places with you in a heartbeat.”

I held up a fist.  It was a big fist.  I was oversized for my age.  I towered over our group of friends, and was bulky enough to take any and all of them on.  “Want to go kick his ass?  Is he big?  I bet the both of us can take him.”

Dean shook his head, but he patted my shoulder again.  It was a rare gesture of affection from him.  “Naw.  He’s already gone.  He ain’t that big, but he carries a gun, so we should steer clear of him anyway, yanno?”

I nodded solemnly.  “You know I’m here though, if you ever want to try.”

“I know you are, man.  That’s why you’re my best friend.”

How had that smiling, fearless boy turned into that stranger of a man that had deceived me so easily?  I’d never have the answer, but the question haunted me nonetheless.  If I hadn’t been so blind to what he’d become, so many horrible things could have been avoided.

I knew Dean had fathered Jack, no one could look at the boy and not see it, but we’d never talked about it directly.  Considering what I knew he’d done to Danika, though, I had my suspicions.

Finally, painfully, one day I had broached that dreaded subject with Dahlia.

“Did Dean…I mean, what I mean to ask is,” I stammered.  I couldn’t help it, the very question still horrified me, thought I’d had years to stew about it.  “Was whatever happened between you consensual?”

I couldn’t even look at her when I asked it.  What may have happened right under my drugged out nose made me ashamed.

I felt responsible enough for the boy already.  From the day Dahlia had called me and told me she was pregnant and that the baby had no father, I’d taken her and her child under my wing.  A sense of duty drove me in that.  She was, after all, my kid sister by law.  Divorce hadn’t changed that for me.  That divorce hadn’t changed any part of my heart, except to break parts of it.  As the baby had grown into a little blond boy that I couldn’t fail to recognize, my sense that this was my responsibility had only grown stronger.

“He drugged me.  I wasn’t sleeping with anyone when it happened, so you can imagine my shock when I found out I was pregnant.”

I flinched.  “I’m so sorry for that.  I wasn’t myself at the time, but I would have tried my best to prevent that, if I could have.”

“I know.  You did try.  Every time you saw him so much as talk to me, you took him to task.  I’m grateful that you tried to protect me.  No one besides Danika has ever done that for me before.”

“Well, I failed, and I’m sorry for that.”

“But you tried, with the best of intentions, and I needed that, needed someone to be protective of me.  It meant a lot.  Tristan, I—“

I stopped her, because I knew what was coming, and some things were better left unsaid.  “Dahlia—“

She ignored the warning in my voice, plunging ahead.  “I’m in love with you.  I’m sure you already knew that, but I needed to say it out loud.  And what you’ve done for Jack, how you’ve been there for him, helping us financially, how you come to visit without fail, it means so much to me.  To us.”

“Dahlia, I’m in love with your sister,” I said, my tone flat.  It was best to handle this once and for all, now that it was out in the open.  “I always will be.  I’m very sorry.  You will find someone, someone that can love you back, but it is not me.”

She threw her arms around me, held on tight, and kissed me, her skinny body rubbing against mine.

I held perfectly still, letting her carry on for a solid minute.  All the while, I felt nothing.  Not a stirring, not even the vaguest tendril of interest.  This is what it’s like to have your sister kiss you, I thought.

Finally, she pulled back, panting.  I could see by her hurt eyes that I’d made my point.  There’d been no clearer way to show her that I could not be interested in her, of all people.

“You’re a beautiful girl.  Sweet and kind.  You need to let go of this idea.  It will never be what you want it to.  It’s holding you back.  I’m here for you, as a brother, as a friend, and you know I’m here for Jack.  I love that boy like he’s my own blood.  But I can’t be more for you.  I hope you understand now.”

She nodded, her lips trembling.  “How can you still love her so much?  She won’t even talk to you.”

“Because that’s how love works.  It doesn’t die, even when you don’t feed it.  That’s just the way it is.  I wouldn’t change it, even if I could.  Loving her has become a part of who I am.”