Love, Chocolate, and Beer (Cactus Creek #1)(98)

“My apartment is part of my building so I don’t pay rent.”

“Then I’ll pay for all the maintenance...and the food.”

“Just stop. I’m not quibbling over money here.” Frustration spiked her voice.

“Then what? What’s so wrong about my wanting us to live together?”

“Nothing, except for the reason why.”

“I’ve told you why.”

“The real reason, Luke. Tell me the real reason.”

Exasperation expelled out of his lungs. “Because I want to start down a path toward a future with you! Is that so bad?”

“No,” she said softly. “It’s not bad at all.” A sad smile overtook her lips. “But that’s not all you want.” Her eyes held his, daring him to prove her wrong.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about. But since you seem to think you know more than I do about what I want, why don’t you enlighten me?”

She didn’t waver. In fact, she pushed back. Hard. “You want a guarantee. Even though you say you don’t have faith in guarantees, that’s exactly what you’re looking for. From me. Why? Because you want to assure yourself that this wondrous, magical oasis of forever love you’ve been trying to reach for so long actually exists. That it’s not just some mirage.” She shook her head. “Life may have made you strong enough to recover losing those you loved, but you aren’t nearly strong enough to face the possibility that the entire idea of forever love with one special person out there just for you might in fact be a complete fantasy—something you dreamed up and made unattainable.”

Every emotional fiber in his being reared up in thunderous denial over such a claim.

Even though, logically, he knew what she was saying was true.

“Luke, I can see how it scares you to think you might finally reach it, dip your hands into that crystal blue water for a drink, only to feel dry sand touch your lips. Admit it. You want a guarantee that I can deliver the future you’ve been dreaming of all this time... That I’ll finally be the person you want me to become.”

That last part stunned him to his core. “You think I want you to change?”

“I know you do,” she sighed. “Yes, I know you love me as I am, but I think you also love a version of me that only you see. The person I believe myself to be deep down really doesn’t see what the difference is if we officially live together or not. In fact, sometimes I wonder if I’m skeptical about marriage as a whole too. Truthfully, I’ve never really thought about it until now because I never got close enough to anyone to need to. And now that I am, honestly, I feel rushed. Rushed to figure out things that other, normal people have spent years thinking about.”

She was on a roll now, absent of filters, undaunted by consequences. “So I’m not normal. So what? Why should I be? Fate will do whatever the hell it feels like doing anyway, without rhyme or reason, regardless of what we plan or dream.” A bitter laugh shot out of her. “Your life is a prime example! Love a woman and plan for forever until it doesn’t work out. Too bad, so sad. But look, there’s another who could ‘really’ be the one. Oh darn, no go with that one either. Guess what though? There’s a broken brewmaster who needs fixing next in line. Yeah, well, what’s to say the next woman after me isn’t who you’re truly meant to be with?”

His face hardened savagely in defense. “Don’t start saying shitty things to me to try and push me away, Dani. It won’t work.”

“You’re pushing me to protect your heart; well I’m pushing right back to protect mine!”

Jesus Christ, this was the mother of all impasses.

She raised her eyes to his. “You think I don’t notice, but I see you holding back at times because you're afraid I’ll bolt. Even after we have an absolutely perfect night, I see the questions in your eyes mercilessly torturing you, making you wonder if what we have is really just an elaborate mirage.” Frustration slashed across her features. “You can’t keep living your whole life walking through the desert just trying to reach this damn delusional oasis!”

“And you can’t think that wasting your life playing day to day with your head hidden in the sand is actually living!” he shot back.

Breathing hard, they stared at each other, blurry emotions masquerading as anger.

“Are we over?” Dani’s voice broke softly.

His shocked gaze flew down to her shattered expression. “What? No! It’s just a fight.”

“But look at what we’re fighting about. There’s no resolution. I feel like you look at me and see someone you think I’ll become, in a future that I’m simply unable to see.”

“Sweetheart, I look at you and all I see is you. I look into my future and I see the same thing. I don’t want some fictional you, I swear it.”

She shook her head skeptically. “But you and I are so different. You’re such a hopeless romantic, and I’m just...not.”

An incredulous groan tore out of his chest as he dropped his forehead down onto hers. “Oh. Dear. Lord. For the last time, you are one of the most diehard romantics I know. Re-read those cards. Ask anyone who’s met you. Everything you do outs you as a closet romantic.” He kissed her eyelids gently. “It’s one of the many things I adore about you.”