Losing Hope (Hopeless #2)(85)
When we were all outside, the woman rushed Hope to the car, then immediately shut her door. Mom and I walked up behind her and as soon as the woman turned around and faced Mom, tears welled in her eyes.
“Please,” the woman begged. She didn’t say anything after that. Mom stared at her for a while without saying anything in return. I just stood there, trying to understand what was happening.
“Why did you take her?” Mom finally asked her.
The woman began to cry and she kept shaking her head. “Please,” she cried. “She can’t go back to him. Please don’t do that to her. Please, please, please.”
My mother nodded. She stepped forward and placed a reassuring hand on the woman’s shoulder. “Don’t worry,” Mom said. “Don’t worry.” Mom glanced at me and tears filled her eyes, then she glanced back to the woman. “I would do whatever it took to keep my daughter safe, too.”
The woman looked at Mom in confusion. I know she didn’t understand exactly just how much Mom knew, but she understood Mom’s honesty. She tilted her head and exhaled. “Thank you,” she said, backing away from us. “Thank you.” She opened her door and climbed into her car, then they drove away.
I don’t know where she lives. We never found out the woman’s name and we never found out the name Hope goes by now. I also stopped wearing the bracelet after that day because I knew in my heart that she didn’t need to be found. But I needed you to know, Holder. I just need you to know that she’s alive and she’s okay and you walking away from her that day was the best thing you could have done for her.
As far as me, well . . . I’m a lost cause. I’ve spent the last eight or so years existing in this constant nightmare and I’m just tired. The therapy and medication help numb the pain, but it’s the numbness I don’t want to endure, Holder. That’s why I plan to do what I need to do, and that’s what led to your reading this letter. I’m tired and exhausted and sick of living a life that I don’t really want to live anymore. I’m tired of pretending to be happy for you, because I’m not happy. Every single time I smile, I feel like I’m lying to you, but I don’t know how to live any other way. And I know when I do it, it’ll break your heart. I know it’ll devastate Mom and Dad. And I know that you’ll hate me.
But knowing all of that can’t change my mind. I’ve lost the ability to care anymore, so it’s hard to empathize with what you’ll experience after I’m gone. I don’t remember what it’s like to care enough about life that the thought of death could destroy me. So I need you to know that I’m sorry, but I can’t help it.
I’ve been let down by this life one too many times and quite frankly, I’m tired of losing hope.
I love you more than you know.
Les
P.S. I hope you never allow yourself to believe I went through with it because you failed me in some way. All those nights you held me and just let me cry . . . you have no idea how many times you’ve already saved me.
Chapter Forty-eight
I drop the notebook onto the floor.
And I cry.
Chapter Forty-nine
I walk into my mother’s office and she’s on the phone. She looks up as I shut her door behind me. I walk to her desk and pull the receiver from her ear and hang it up.
“You know?” I ask her. “You know about what that bastard did to Les?” I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand, just as she stands up and her own eyes fill with tears. “You know what he did to Hope? And you know that Hope is alive and that she’s fine? You know everything?”
My mother is shaking her head and fear is filling her eyes. She can’t tell if I’m mad or if I’ve lost it or if I’m about to flip out.
“Holder . . .” she says. “We couldn’t tell you. I knew what it would do to you if you knew something like that happened to your sister.”
I collapse into a chair, unable to stand up for another second. She walks around the desk and kneels in front of me. “I’m so sorry, Holder. Please don’t hate me. I’m so sorry.”
She’s crying, looking at me with so much regret and apology. I immediately find the strength to stand back up and I pull her up with me. “God, no,” I say to her, throwing my arms around her neck. “Mom, I’m so glad you know. I’m so relieved Les had you through all of that. And Hope?” I push her away from me and look her in the eyes. “She’s Sky, Mom. Hope is Sky and Sky is okay and I love her. I love her so much and I had no idea how to tell you because I was so scared you would recognize her.”
Her eyes grow wide and she backs away from me, falling back into her chair. “Your girlfriend? Your girlfriend is Hope?”
I nod, knowing none of this is making any sense to her. “Remember when I met Sky at the store a few months ago? I recognized her. I thought she was Hope, but then I thought maybe she wasn’t. Then I f**king fell in love with her, Mom. I can’t even begin to tell you the shit we’ve been through this week.” I’m talking faster than she can probably comprehend. I sit in the chair across from her and pull it closer to her, then lean forward and take her by the hands. “She’s okay. I’m okay. I’m more than okay. And I know you did your best for Les, Mom. I hope you know that, too. You did everything you could, but sometimes even all the love in the world from mothers and brothers isn’t enough to help pull someone out of their nightmare. We just need to accept that things are what they are, and all the guilt and regret in the world can’t change that.”