Losing Hope (Hopeless #2)(59)

She’s not telling me to leave yet and I don’t think I could even if she asked me to. I have to feel her in my arms, so I move closer to her and slide my arm under her pillow. I wrap my other arm around her and slide my fingers into hers, then bury my face into her neck. Her scent and her skin and the feel of her heartbeat against our hands is exactly what I need, more tonight than ever before I just need to know that I’m not alone, even if she doesn’t have a clue how much allowing me to hold her is helping.

I kiss her softly on the side of her head and pull her closer. I don’t deserve to be back in her bed or in her life after all I’ve put her through. In this moment, she’s allowing me to be here. I’m not going to think about what might happen in the next few minutes. I’m not going to think about what happened in the past. I’m not looking forward or backward. I’m just holding her and thinking about this. Right now. Her.

She hasn’t spoken in almost half an hour, but neither have I. I’m not apologizing to her, because I don’t deserve her forgiveness and that’s not why I’m here. I can’t tell her what happened that day at lunch because I don’t want her to know yet. I have no idea what to say, so I just hold her. I kiss her hair and I silently thank her for helping me breathe again.

I fold my arm up and hold her tighter. I’m trying not to fall apart right now. I’m trying so hard. She inhales a breath, then speaks to me for the first time in almost a month. “I’m so mad at you,” she whispers.

I squeeze my eyes shut and press my lips desperately against her skin. “I know, Sky.” I slip my hand around her to pull her closer. “I know.”

Her fingers slide through mine and she squeezes my hand. All she did was squeeze my hand, but that one small gesture does more for me in this moment than I could ever give her in return. Knowing she’s reassuring me, even in the slightest way, is more than I deserve from her.

I press my lips to her shoulder and kiss her softly. “I know,” I whisper again as I continue kissing up her neck. She’s responding to my touch and to my kiss and I want to stay here forever. I wish I could freeze time. I want to freeze the past and the future and just focus on being here in this moment with her forever.

She reaches up and runs her hand to the back of my head, pulling me against her neck even harder. She wants me here. She needs me here just as much as I need to be here and just knowing that is enough to freeze time for just a little while.

I raise up in the bed next to her and gently pull on her shoulder until she’s flat on her back, looking up at me. I brush the hair away from her eyes and look down at her. I’ve missed her so much and I’m so scared she’ll come to her senses and ask me to leave. God, I’ve missed her. How did I ever think walking away from her would be good for either of us?

“I know you’re mad at me,” I say, running my hand down to her neck. “I need you to be mad at me, Sky. But I think I need you to still want me here with you even more.”

She continues to keep her eyes locked with mine and she nods her head slightly. I drop my forehead to hers and take her face in my hands, and she does the same to me.

“I am mad at you, Holder,” she says. “But no matter how mad I’ve been, I never for one second stopped wanting you here with me.”

Those words knock the breath out of me at the same time they completely fill my lungs back up with her air. She wants me here and it’s the best f**king feeling in the world. “Jesus, Sky. I’ve missed you so bad.” I feel like she’s my lifeline and if I don’t kiss her immediately, I’ll die.

I dip my head and press my mouth to hers. We both inhale a deep breath the second our lips meet. She wraps her arms around my neck and pulls me to her, welcoming me back into her life. Our mouths are pressed desperately together but our lips are completely still and we’re both attempting to inhale another breath. I pull back slightly because the feel of her beneath me and having her mouth willingly pressed to mine is completely overwhelming me. In all my eighteen years, nothing has ever felt more perfect. As soon as my lips separate from hers, she looks up into my eyes and wraps her hands around my neck. She lifts up from the bed slightly, bringing her mouth back to mine. This time she kisses me, softly parting my lips with hers. When our tongues meet, she moans and I push her back against the mattress, kissing her this time.

For the next few minutes, we’re completely lost in what feels like sheer perfection. Time has completely stopped, and all I’m thinking about while we kiss is how this is what saves people. Moments like these with people like her are what make all the suffering worth it. It’s moments like these that keep people looking forward and I can’t believe I’ve let them slip by for an entire month.

I know I told her that she’s never really been kissed before, but until this moment I had no idea that I had never really been kissed before. Not like this. Every kiss, every movement, every moan, every touch of her hand against my skin. She’s my saving grace. My Hope.

And I’m never walking away from her again.

I hear the door to her bedroom close, so I know she’s about to walk in on me cooking breakfast for her. I still haven’t explained what the hell I’ve done to her over the past month and I’m not sure that I can, but I’ll do whatever it takes to get her to accept it without letting her forgive me. No matter what happened between us last night, I still don’t deserve her forgiveness and honestly, she’s not the type of girl who would put up with the shit I’ve put her through. If she forgave me, I feel like she would be compromising her strength. I don’t want her compromising anything about herself for my sake.