Long Road Home(26)

“But I’ve done things, Manny. Things I can’t even speak of,” she whispered in a tortured voice. “Every time I went out on a mission, I carried those pictures of Mom and Pop with me. I imagined you dead. Lifeless. And then I told myself that the only way to prevent the people I loved from paying for my mistakes was to do my job. So I traded someone else’s life for yours. God, I hate myself for those decisions. I hated myself for feeling guilty over keeping my family alive.”

More than ever, she looked like a lost little girl. Reminiscent of the toddler he’d found on the street so many years ago. The torture in her cloudy blue eyes was stark. Compelling. Very real.

He could well imagine what she’d been forced to do in the last three years. According to Tony, she’d gotten damn good at her job. He remembered her earlier statement that she wished she had just messed up a job and died. He knew now she’d been deadly serious. The weight of her burdens must have been unbearable.

“I’ll help you, Jules. If you’ll let me. Together we can get through this.” He felt useless. Could he turn his back on the misdeeds she’d performed? Misdeeds. He made it sound like she had offended someone. Dead people couldn’t be offended.

She shook her head vehemently. “Manny, no. You don’t understand.”

“Have you forgotten who I work for?” He forced her chin upwards so she looked at him. “I’m not without resources. I probably know more about the NFR than you do.”

Jules’s stomach twisted into a knot. There was too much Manny didn’t know about her situation. He couldn’t know everything. But what if he did? That scared the hell out of her. She wanted to trust him, believe in him completely. But how could she when he worked for the agency that controlled her fate?

She didn’t dread death as she had in the beginning. Her fear of her own mortality had faded in the wake of so much pain and terror.

A slow burn radiated over her cheeks as Manny’s gaze bored into her. He missed nothing. He could probably reach right into her thoughts and pluck one out at will. The CIA had chosen well when they’d recruited him. His sense of honor and duty made him a solid patriot.

Though she had told him things she’d never told another human being, things she’d kept locked deep within her, she felt no relief. She would’ve preferred he never know of the humiliation she’d suffered. She felt dirty and used. No better than a piece of trash someone had discarded. But they hadn’t even thrown her away. How she wished they had. Then she could have crawled home and licked her wounds.

Instead, she’d embarked on a life she hated. No, it wasn’t a life. It was an existence. She functioned. She’d given up living a long time ago.

Manny’s hand slid around her neck and massaged the nape gently. His eyes glowed with concern, love, all the things she didn’t deserve. Right now she hated herself more than ever before. Not even killing someone in cold blood could be worse than plotting to betray this man.

“Where are you, baby?”

She ducked her head guiltily. She should just ditch Manny and get to D.C. on her own. Being so close to him was only going to bring him greater attention from the people trying to kill her. Could she live with herself if she caused his death? The answer was a categorical no. She’d already killed her parents. And who cared if they were her real parents or not? They’d loved her like a daughter. She’d loved them.

“Jules? Are you okay?” Manny sounded worried now.

She stared up at him, trying to summon a reassuring smile, but she couldn’t smile when all she felt was overwhelming grief. “No,” she said honestly. “I’m not. I’m not sure I’ll ever be okay.”

He framed her face in his hands, and her heart lurched as he lowered his lips to hers. Her chest began to pound in a steady cadence, and she was robbed of breath. With infinite tenderness, he brushed his lips across hers. He was so gentle it made her want to weep. He held her like a piece of glass, one that might shatter with the slightest untoward movement.

She leaned hungrily into him, not caring that she intended to take his trust and trample it. All that mattered was that he kept on touching her. She could feel, really feel, for the first time in a long time.

His tongue laved across her lips, seeking entrance. Instantly, they parted, and he probed inward, lightly, delicately. One hand delved into her hair to the back of her head, coaxing her closer to him, as if trying to fuse their souls together.

“I should have died,” she whispered against his lips. “It should have been me. Not Mom and Pop.” She choked on the upsurge of grief.

“No. No.” He was a mere inch from her lips, his breath blowing hot over her face. Emotion knotted his voice. “Don’t say it, Jules. I couldn’t bear it if I lost you. You have no idea the hell I endured when you disappeared.”

He kissed her temple then her cheek, and finally he reclaimed her lips with a light, tender kiss.

She felt the stirrings deep within, the faint whisper of something she desperately needed. Wanted. But couldn’t have. The thought threw a wet blanket over her, and she pulled slowly away.

She drew in a steadying breath, trying to regain control of her desires. She felt exhausted by the myriad of emotions she’d experienced in rapid succession. It would be the easiest thing in the world to melt in his arms and see where the night would take them. But she wouldn’t use Manny more than she already was.