Leveled (Saints of Denver #0.5)(30)
“She’s at that age where she absorbs everything. Way to corrupt her early, Big Guy.” Rome had the grace to look sheepish and to tell Remy that what she was saying wasn’t something nice to say to anyone. But it was clear the more he tried to correct her, the more interested the little girl was in repeating the word. It was adorable and hilarious to watch a man who had fought for his country, taken a bullet for the woman he loved, and who ran a bar catering to some unsavory characters, lose an argument to a little girl that barely reached his knee. When she got older, the big man was going to be in so much trouble, and the look on his scarred face said he knew.
When Shaw came back into the room from changing little Ry we all finally sat down to eat. It was easy conversation, what everyone was up to with work, how school was going now that Shaw was back at it, what Cora and Rome needed for the baby, and how the wedding planning was going for them. I basked in the familiarity of it, in the comfort and safety of it all. Nothing here felt like I was getting leveled, taken to my knees and forced to face something I wasn’t sure I was strong enough to handle. At least until Rome looked at me from across the table, sharp-eyed and knowing.
“So you took on Royal’s partner? How’s that been going for you?”
I almost dropped my fork, so I clenched my fingers around it tightly. “It’s going. He has some pretty extensive damage, but he’s getting where he needs to be for a medical release to head back to work.”
Shaw reached out the hand that wasn’t holding on to her sleeping baby and put it on my arm. “Saint mentioned that he’s gay.” She shrugged. “I’ve never asked Royal but if it came from Saint, as tight as the two of them are, I bet it’s solid information.” She wiggled her eyebrows up and down. “Just in case you wanted to know.”
I let my fork fall and sighed. “I know he’s gay, Shaw.”
Her mouth made a little O of surprise and I caught Rule’s gaze over her head. I forced a grin at her. “We have a secret handshake that we all know to identify each other with.”
Her eyes got even bigger until Rule put a tattooed hand covered in ink and a subtle wedding ring on the back of her neck and squeezed. “He’s kidding. Lando has the hots for the guy and felt him out. That’s how he knows he’s up for some dick-on-dick action.”
“Rule!” Margot barked out his name at the same time Rome did. From across the table, Remy looked at us all with wide, innocent eyes and started chanting, “Dick, dick, dick.”
Rome growled at his little brother, who was once again laughing hysterically, but the women at the table had their eyes locked on me.
“Do you like him? Royal’s partner I mean.” Shaw’s tone was soft and a little sad. She loved Remy just as fiercely as I did and I could see the idea of me moving on was as jarring to her as it was to me, though I knew she would never, ever begrudge me any kind of happiness.
“I do like him. A lot actually, but I don’t know how seriously involved I can be with someone who has such a dangerous job.” I shifted nervously in my seat. “I don’t think I can handle losing someone I care about again.”
The mood at the table dipped and everyone was quiet until Rome suddenly leaned forward and poked the end of his fork in my direction. “That’s bull …” His eyes darted down to his daughter and then back up to me. “That’s a lame excuse to keep from putting yourself out there, man. I got hurt at home and it had nothing to do with my very dangerous job. Shaw got hurt and she’s never so much as killed a spider. Royal’s laid up right now with a busted wing because some kid was texting and driving … and Rem,” he shook his head sadly. “That was an accident, too. Bad stuff happens sometimes and it happens to people we care about. You can’t live life insulated because you are scared of getting too close. Ask my idiot brother over there how well that worked out for him.”
It was pretty much the same lecture my mom had given me about not letting the fear win, only given in a much more authoritarian and no-nonsense way.
Rule nodded in agreement and leaned over to kiss his wife on the temple. “I told myself I was happy, told myself I was fine. If I didn’t let anyone in, then there was no chance of being hurt, but there also wasn’t the chance of feeling all the good stuff that someone special can bring with them either. There was nobody to love, no one to push me to make me better. There was just me screwing everything up over and over again. That’s a pretty lonely existence, dude, and one I know my brother wouldn’t have wanted for you.”
Those were some pretty big guns Rule was pulling out because we all knew that all Remy had wanted was for me, for all of us, to have the best life we possibly could. That’s why he was willing to give me up. He knew I needed someone who could be with me fully; who could love me out in the open without shame or regret or any kind of excuses. Someone like Dominic.
I groaned a little and gave him a hard look. “You play dirty.”
Shaw laughed. “He does and it usually works.”
Rome nodded and stabbed at something on his plate. “Seriously, when you’re with someone who has a dangerous job you become the something that makes them remember to be extra careful while they’re out there doing what they have to do. You give them a reason to stay hyper-focused and you remind them every day what they have to lose. You give them something to come home to and that matters.” I was sure he was speaking from experience. He had spent a long time enlisted in the army and, I was sure, had seen a lot of young men eager to get back to their families stateside.