Letting Go (Surrender Trilogy #1)(54)

Dash grimaced. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“But you did,” she persisted. “Is this something you two discussed?”

Dash sighed. “Yes. We spoke about it a short time before his accident. I’ve often wondered since then if he didn’t know. If he had a feeling that something was going to happen. It’s not something we ever discussed and then out of the blue he brought it up. And he was serious about it. It wasn’t an off-the-cuff ‘just in case’ conversation. He was absolutely serious and he wanted my promise that if anything ever happened to him that I’d ensure you and Kylie were taken care of.”

Joss weighed his words for a moment, discomfited by the idea that she was merely a method of Dash fulfilling a promise to his best friend. But no, he’d said that he had feelings for her long before then. When she and Carson were first married. A dozen questions bubbled to the surface but she wasn’t certain they should be asked.

“I don’t like that look, Joss. What are you thinking?”

This time she sighed, casting her gaze downward to his waist. He slid his fingers underneath her chin, forcing her to meet his gaze once more.

“Is that what I am to you? An obligation?”

His frown was immediate. In fact he looked pissed. She regretted voicing her brief fear because it was obvious he had no liking for it.

“Don’t answer that. It was a silly question,” she murmured. “But there’s another question I wanted to ask you. It’s something I’ve wondered ever since we began this. Since you told me you had feelings for me when I was married to Carson.”

“You can ask me anything,” Dash said. “But be prepared for an honest answer, honey. If the truth hurts you then be careful what you ask. Because I won’t lie to you. Ever.”

She nodded. He’d always been honest. She knew that much.

“When Carson and I first began dating, I felt as though you didn’t approve of me. That you didn’t approve of our relationship or the fact that things moved so quickly. At the time I chalked it up to you being concerned about your friend. But lately I’ve wondered . . .”

“What have you been wondering?” Dash asked gently.

She lifted her eyes to his, studying his features.

“You said that you were attracted to me. But you didn’t say when those feelings started. Were you attracted to me from the very start? Is that why you didn’t seem happy about me and Carson being together? Were you . . . jealous?”

Dash was silent for a long moment and then he heaved out his breath, his shoulders drooping slightly. He turned away from her, directing his gaze toward the fireplace. His hold loosened on her and she shifted away, just so she could better see him.

“That was part of it,” he admitted. “I was jealous as hell. The first time I met you. Do you remember? Carson brought you to the company Christmas party and there you were. So beautiful it made my teeth ache. You were adorably shy, reserved. And you clung to Carson’s side the entire night. I couldn’t look at you without resenting the fact that he’d found you first.”

Her eyes widened in surprise. “I had no idea.”

“No. It shames me that I treated you so curtly in the beginning. I actually hoped that things wouldn’t work out between you and Carson because I wanted you for myself. I had planned to swoop in and claim you the minute things ended between you and Carson. But it became very clear that he had no intention of letting you go. I damned my luck. Here was the woman of my dreams and she was with my best friend. I saw how happy you made him. I fully admit, I looked for faults. I looked for any evidence that you weren’t what was best for him. Hell, I hoped that he’d lose interest or you’d do something to put him off. That makes me a total bastard, but that’s the truth.”

He turned back to her, his eyes dark with regret.

“I wanted you to fail just so I could have you as my own. But I saw how devoted you were to him. I saw how other men made veiled invitations, flirted with you, propositioned you, and you never even looked their way. You were one hundred percent loyal and devoted to Carson. How could I not want that for my best friend? It was hell, Joss. Hell watching him be so damn happy and resenting him with every breath. And worse was the fact that after he found out, he wasn’t even pissed. He laughed and said he couldn’t blame me for wanting you when he was consumed with that same want. He told me that it was a damn good thing he’d met you first because I would have locked you in my bedroom and never let you out. He wasn’t wrong.”

She shook her head in bewilderment, unable to process everything he’d said.

“I thought all this time you didn’t like me. Not at first. Later, I knew you’d come to accept me, but I always felt like you didn’t approve in the beginning. You intimidated me.”

He pressed his forehead to hers, stroking her hair with one hand. “I’m sorry for that, honey. You’ll never know how much. But I was in an impossible situation, and having to see you with Carson, seeing the both of you so blindingly happy, was like a fist to my gut every single time. But you have to know, I need you to know, that I never wished him ill. Losing him hurt me, and if I could have him back, I’d let you go in a heartbeat, even if it meant killing myself in the process.”

Tears filled Joss’s eyes. She blinked furiously, determined not to let them fall.