Lady Sophia's Lover (Bow Street Runners #2)(48)

A curious numbness came over her, making it easier to talk. It was as if she had suddenly become detached from the scene, watching as if a play were being enacted before her. “I was in torment for months, thinking every minute of my brother, wondering what he was suffering. I was not so sheltered that I didn’t have some idea of what occurs on prison hulks. But no matter what happened to him in that place, I promised myself that I would take care of him and heal him afterward. If only he would live.”

A long, emotion-fraught silence passed.

“But he didn’t,” Ross finally said.

Sophia shook her head. “Cholera. The hulks were always riddled with one disease or another… it was only a matter of time before John became ill. He did not survive. He was buried in a mass grave near the ship, without any stone or marker. I… I have never been the same since I was told. John’s death has underpinned every emotion, every experience, every thought and desire I’ve had in my adult life. I have lived with constant hatred for years.”

“Hatred of whom?”

She looked at him then, her expression incredulous. “Of the man who sent him there. The magistrate who took no pity on an orphaned boy and sentenced him to certain death.”

The shadows obscured most of Ross’s face, except for the gleam of his narrowed eyes. “His name,” he demanded in a tightly leashed voice that betrayed his hideous suspicions.

Sophia’s numbness lifted away, leaving her as raw as an open wound. “It was you, Ross,” she whispered. “You sent John to the prison hulk.”

Although he remained still, she sensed the tremendous impact of her words, the ripple of shocked anguish beneath his facade. She knew that he was trying to dredge rapidly through the past, to remember one out of the thousands of cases that had come before him on the bench.

The rest of the confession drained out of her like poison. “I wanted revenge against you,” she said dully. “I thought that if I could persuade you to employ me, I would find ways to undermine you. For a while I copied parts of various files in the criminal records room, looking for anything that would discredit you and the runners. But that wasn’t all of my plan. I also wanted to hurt you in the deepest way possible. To… to break your spirit as mine had been broken. I wanted to make you fall in love with me so that I could injure you in a way that you would not recover from. But as it turned out…” A jagged laugh escaped her. “Somehow all that hatred has vanished. And I have failed utterly.”

She was silent then, closing her eyes to avoid the sight of his face. She waited for his contempt, his anger, and, worst of all, his rejection. Silence fell gently around her. Aching, annihilated, she waited for fate to deliver its final blow. As the quiet continued, she felt almost dreamlike, wondering if Ross would simply leave the room and let her crumble in despair.

She was not aware of any movement, but suddenly Ross was standing behind her, his hands settling on her shoulders, fingertips touching the base of her throat. With no effort at all, he could choke the life from her. She almost wanted him to. Anything to escape the desolation that saturated her. Docile and hopeless, she swallowed against the featherlight pressure of his fingers.

“Sophia,” he said without inflection, “do you still want revenge?”

A breath clogged in her throat. “No.”

His fingers began to move then, caressing the sides and front of her throat, drawing sensation to the surface of her skin. She began to gasp beneath the life-giving touch, her head lolling back helplessly until it rested against the hard surface of his stomach. Puppet-like, she could not seem to move without the animation of his hands.

He spoke again. “When did you change your mind?”

God help her, she could withhold nothing from him now. He would strip her of all pride and leave her decimated. Sophia fought to keep silent, but his stroking fingers seemed to coax the words from her unwilling throat. “When you were hurt,” she said brokenly. “I wanted to help you… I wished that no harm would ever come to you again. Especially not from me.” She was breathing too hard to speak. A whimper came from the bottom of her lungs as she felt his warm fingers slip into the bodice of her gown. He cupped her breast and softly circled the nipple until it tightened into a hard bud. It seemed that he touched her not with the intention to arouse, but to recall the intimacy that had existed between them just a few hours earlier. Heat danced over her skin, and she leaned back against him more heavily, her body robbed of strength.

Ross sat on the bed and carefully turned her toward him. As Sophia lifted her gaze, she saw that his lips were tight with pain, as if he had suffered a body blow. “I don’t know what happened in the past,” he said huskily. “I don’t remember your brother. But I promise you that I will find out exactly what occurred. If it turns out that I am guilty of your accusations, I will accept the blame, and everything that comes with it.” His hands continued to play over her breast, as if he couldn’t keep from touching her. “For now, I will ask only one thing of you. Stay with me until I uncover the truth. Will you do that, Sophia?”

She nodded with a shuddering sound of assent.

He pushed the wet strands of hair away from her cheeks. Leaning forward, he covered her mouth with his in a hard, warm kiss. Sophia fought to think above the pounding of her heart. “But the way I deceived you…” she said unevenly. “You can’t possibly want me now.”