Jessica and Sharon (Songs of Submission #3.5)(3)

So when she touched my face, I froze, convinced I would spin her by the hair and bend her over. That wouldn’t do at all. Not if I was going to have her again.

“You’re being shy, Jon. That’s not like you.”

“You going to push me away?”

“No. Not this time.”

Fine. I put my hands on the sides of her face so she couldn’t turn and pushed her against the bar. I choked off her squeak with a kiss. She kissed me back. She really did.

The drop in my chest was relief. My stomach tightened. To have my life back. To be back to normal again. With my wife at my side, a sealed unit, unbreakable. I touched my old self when I put my hand on her breast. The completed me, at my fingertips.

I pulled her skirt around her hips and hitched her up. She put her legs around my waist, and I carried her inside.

It was dark with those ass-ugly lamps gone. I wanted light to see her, to believe it. Oh, anything could go wrong between us writhing on the couch and me actually getting my dick in her. I remembered my promise to Monica, but I could explain the next day. I’d be sorry to see that sweet thing go, but woman would tolerate infidelity, and I cared too much about both of them to sneak around. Jessica had to be my choice. I’d taken a vow, begged for it to be honored, and waited so long that turning away the possibility of a reunion seemed ludicrous.

I pulled the top of her dress down.

Gorgeous in the moonlight. Those br**sts, with little rocks for ni**les at the tips. I sucked them and tasted her. The taste of me being normal again. The taste of morning dew and cut grass. I rolled her nipple over my tongue and pushed my hips into her. I whispered her name in a fog of relief and delight. I could barely breathe.

“Are you sure, Jess?” She’d better be sure. Between her and that delicious little girl in Echo Park, I was a throbbing rock.

“Yes, baby. Make love to me like you used to. In the beginning.”

Yes, I wanted to. And I might have. If she hadn’t asked for the old me back, I might have been as sweet and gentle as our first night. But in my ear, as if she sat right next to me, I heard Monica moan, “Hurt me, Jonathan. Tear me in two.” I got even harder, if that was possible, and I was at the point where I could expect to walk out of there with a pair of ten pound weights between my legs. I was too old for that shit.

I faced Jessica. She was beautiful. Exactly the girl I remembered. Her lips were parted, her breathing shallow as she pushed her hips into me. So close. I was so close to having her again.

“I’m sorry, Jess.”

“For what?”

“This.” I pulled myself off her and sat down by her feet.

She propped herself on her elbows, legs still spread. “What? Why?”

I stroked her calf and looked in her face, half cast in the moonlight. “Because. It’s been too much. I just... I can’t.”

She tucked her legs away and crouched, kneeling by me. She touched my face, and I saw her hurt. She had a deep fear of loneliness. Leaving her alone would undoubtedly be the hardest thing I ever did. “I don’t understand,” she said. “Is this spite? Or revenge?”

I got up. I owed her honesty, at least, after everything we’d been through, after all I’d promised her, after all the times we’d hurt each other. “It’s too late. I’m sorry. I’m not the same man.”

“Is it that girl?”

“Which girl?” I knew exactly who she meant. I was suddenly sorry I’d brought Monica to the show. Had I known Erik had walked out, I would have kept her home and writhed around with her all night, just to shield her from my ex-wife’s eyes. The thought of that bruised ass, and her attitude about it, even the guilt I’d felt at giving it to her, made my dick twitch to the point of pain. “It’s a dalliance, Jess. Don’t try to read more into it.”

Jessica didn’t answer. She just stared at me as if she was reading a book. She must have seen right through me.

“Just go, then,” she said quietly.

I wanted to say more, to apologize again or offer some comfort, but in a quarter of a second, I thought better of it. The front door. I just had to make it to the front door. I took long strides, looping my fingers in my keyring as I stepped into the night air. My Mercedes was five steps away. It had been her favorite. That’s why I’d brought it. Maybe it was time to get rid of it.

“Jon,” she called out. I took another step, getting my hand on the car, not looking back. I didn’t want to change my mind. I didn’t want another argument. I thought maybe I could get back to Echo Park in time to not make a rude ass of myself in front of Monica.

I couldn’t pretend I hadn’t heard Jessica. I looked back, just to say good-bye. I didn’t see her immediately, but once my eyes scanned the front walk, I saw her, balled up on the ground.

The visit was getting more dramatic than I’d anticipated. Did she feel this way when I’d gotten on my knees and begged her to stay? I’d been such a mess of tears I couldn’t remember her expression. God, I’d never do that again.

She cradled her arm. I went to her, and from the way she looked at me, I knew I wasn’t getting to my little goddess of Echo Park that night.

***

Dr. Fuhr was in Aruba, but a few phone calls and he’d managed to get us skipped ahead in the emergency room if we could get to Cedars in twenty minutes. It was late enough that the 10 was clear, and we zipped along with the top up, an ice pack on Jessica’s arm and a sulk on her face.