Jagged (Colorado Mountain #5)(56)

There was pain in his face still. Pain for me. But it was now mingled with sorrow.

Sorrow for me.

If I didn’t already love this man, looking at his handsome face showing plain all the feelings he was feeling for me, I would have fallen in love.

But I loved this man. It was just that, right then, I loved him more.

“His name is Zander?” I asked.

“That’s what Mick says,” he answered.

My eyes drifted to the armrest his head was lying on and I remarked, “Dad named him. That’s for sure. He got that shit from Grandpa Val. Crazy-ass names.”

“Zara’s the most beautiful name I ever heard,” Ham stated and my eyes flew to him as my chest expanded. “He’s a dick but he named you sweet, baby. And, you find a way not to give him credit, Zander is pretty kick-ass, too.”

Right then, I loved Ham even more.

So much I couldn’t express it and I couldn’t cope with it, so I dropped my head so my forehead was resting on his chest.

“Now that you got your shit tight, cookie, I’ll tell you the rest,” Ham said.

“Oh God,” I moaned into his chest.

He slid his hand to curl around the back of my neck. “This is the good part, darlin’.”

I lifted up to look at him. “There’s a good part?”

“Yeah. When I was in town, after I learned this shit, got pissed, had to walk it off. I saw Nina’s offices, paid her a visit, and she made time for me.”

I was confused. What did Nina have to do with anything?

“I don’t get it,” I told him.

Ham gave it to me.

“Hired her to start custody proceedings to get Zander.”

My heart lurched before it swelled, hope pushing out anguish.

Back then, I’d wanted my sister’s baby. With my sister all but gone, I wanted a piece of her, especially a precious piece that she’d made. We’d had it tough, we’d stuck together through it, and after we escaped, but when we got older, she fell apart. Drugs. Booze. Meaningless hookups. She went off the rails and did it with flair.

That didn’t mean I didn’t always love her.

Xenia returned the favor.

She pulled herself together, though that didn’t mean she still didn’t f**k up. With my help, we got her into a program. She said sayonara to the drugs and booze but unfortunately kept up with the meaningless hookups and got herself knocked up.

When she’d learned she was pregnant and decided to keep the baby, we’d both been cautiously excited, considering our history—especially hers. I was looking forward to having a nephew. I was looking forward to helping Xenia right past wrongs.

Then it all went to shit.

If I’d had the money, the stability, the maturity, and the strength to fight my dad back then, I would have taken Xenia’s baby on. I didn’t fool myself it wouldn’t be tough but I wanted that piece of my sister and I wanted her, wherever she was, to know I was taking care of her boy.

But I also knew that couples without the ability to have babies could give him a life maybe better than the one I could give him. I also knew my dad would see me a quivering mess and beaten so low I couldn’t stand before he gave up. And last, I feared that even if I won him, Dad would find ways to f**k with me, and the baby. I also knew the ways my father could f**k with someone, and none of them were pleasant.

So I hated it but I let him be put up for adoption.

To get him safe, in a good, stable home with good people who would love him, I struck the deal.

Now I had my second chance.

Then my heart plummeted because I might have maturity but the money and stability were in even more of a shambles than they’d been back then.

This wouldn’t work.

“Nina’s my friend and I know she’d do a lot for me, Ham,” I started. “But I really do not have the resources to go after custody and there’s no way I could take that kind of freebie from Nina. She didn’t even handle my divorce, since she insisted on giving me a huge discount. You know me, I couldn’t accept that. So Greg and I used her partner, George. Since I wanted the divorce, I intended to pay, but in the end, Greg insisted on paying for all that. He wouldn’t stand down and I was seriously struggling so I let him. Nina didn’t say anything but I unintentionally screwed her with losing a client, which isn’t cool.”

“Zara—”

“And you know Dad. He’d fight it. Tooth and nail. I have no idea how he paid for the care Xenia received for nine years, since she had no insurance. He isn’t loaded even though they’re comfortable, or they were, and that had to cost a whack. But obviously he did it and he’ll throw everything at me to make sure I don’t get Xenia’s son.”

“Honey—”

“And I’m not sure how a judge will feel, with my credit history, me workin’ at a bar. Nothin’s changed since back then except, if anything, it’s worse. I’m a divorcée and I wasn’t even married but a couple of years. I lost a business. I had a house foreclosed on. I’m doin’ better but Dad will throw all that at me. It’ll get ugly and go on forever. And if I make the decision to drag a child through something like that, well… I might be able to start it but I gotta be able to see it through.”

Ham shifted his hand to the side of my neck, his fingers tensed, and he ordered gently, “Zara, quiet for a second and listen to me.”