If You Only Knew(71)

“Actually, no, Jared. It’s pudding. Believe it or not, we don’t feed the girls mud.”

He grins, and we order lunch—a huge burger for him, fries and a milkshake; he’s as skinny as can be, always has been. A salad with dressing on the side for me, so I can keep my hip bones. When the food comes, he reveals the true nature of this lunch. “So, Rach,” he says, “Kimber was wondering if you’d be in our wedding. Bridesmaid. What do you think?”

“Really? Of course! I’d love to.” I take a sip of my water. “But, um, why didn’t she ask me herself?”

“She was afraid you’d say no.”

“Why would I do that? I mean, I’m a little old to be a bridesmaid, but it’s a huge honor.”

“I’m a little old to be getting married for the first time,” he says, grinning.

“Nah. It just took you a while to find the right woman.”

“She’s great, isn’t she?”

“I really like her. She’s very...sincere.”

“Yes! That’s a perfect word for her.” His smile drops a little. “The thing is, Rach, my mom kind of hates her. And Kimber’s having a tough time. She had a really different upbringing than I did, and Mom’s making sure she knows it. Kimber wants to fit in and stuff, but you can see she’s not...”

“Typical.”

“Exactly. Which is why I love her.”

“Maybe she and Jenny and I can go out sometime.”

He smiles hugely. “I was hoping you’d say that. You’re the best, Rach. Hey, she’s meeting me at the office at two. We have to do something wedding-related. Cake-tasting or something. Want to come and say hi? She’ll be so happy you said yes to being in the wedding.”

“Sure,” I say. “That’d be nice.” I pause, struck by a horrible thought. “Who else is in the wedding? Anyone I know? Anyone from work?” In a flash, I see myself posing for pictures with Emmanuelle. Maybe they’re friends. Jared likes everyone, after all.

“No one from work. Her cousin, a couple of friends. They all have tattoos. My mother is dying a thousand deaths.” He keeps talking, a lot more informed than Adam was when we got married.

Since I found out about Emmanuelle, I’ve wanted to ask Jared about her. But I can’t. It would give her legitimacy, somehow, if I had to tap my oldest friend for insider information. And to be honest, I was afraid Jared would know why I was asking, and our lifelong friendship would be tainted by pity. And then Adam’s work relationship would suffer, because it’s always been clear that while Jared and Adam get long just fine, Jared is my friend.

What you don’t realize when your husband has an affair is how much lying you’ll do, too. In the past month, I’ve lied to my mother for the first time. To my in-laws—thank God they live in Arizona. To Adam’s sister, who lives in Portugal but emails often and sends the girls lovely gifts from her travels. I’ve lied to the nursery school teacher when she asked if everything was okay, and I’ve lied to my book club friends. I’ve even lied to Jenny. Lying has become a reflex. I don’t even think about it anymore.

When we leave the restaurant, I get into the Jag. Jared grins. “Can’t say I’ve ever seen you drive that thing,” he says.

“Because I never have,” I say. He gets into his BMW, and we head to Triple B. Kimber is waiting in the foyer, wearing a peasant blouse, rainbow skirt and leather vest. She has on dozens of bracelets that jingle and chime when she jumps up. Her face flushes pink at the sight of her honey.

“Hi, you guys,” she says. “How was lunch and stuff?”

“It was great,” I say. “Thank you so much for asking me to be in the wedding, Kimber! I can’t wait.”

“Seriously? Oh, Rachel, thanks! Really! I mean, like, of course you’re Jared’s oldest friend and stuff. I’m just so happy you’ll do it.” She gives me a sudden hug. “Thank you.”

“My pleasure. Hey, I was saying to Jared that maybe you’d like to go out for drinks with my sister and me.”

“Totally!” she exclaims.

“I’ll call you, then.” Her eagerness makes me happy, makes me feel like myself. My old self.

“Well, we have cake to eat,” Jared says. “Shall we go, babe? Bye, Rachel. Thanks again.” He gives me a kiss on the cheek, waves to Lydia, the receptionist, and off they go into the sunshine.

I hope they stay happy. I can’t imagine Jared ever cheating on her. He’s so loyal... I mean, who stays friends with the shy girl who rode the bus with you, even though you’ve met a thousand people since? Loyal people, that’s who.

“Guess you want to see Adam, huh?” Lydia asks.

“What? Oh, yes. Yes, please.”

She picks up the phone to let him know I’m here. “I’ll just go, Lydia,” I say. “No need to buzz him.”

Because I have that feeling again, that prickling, sickening feeling in my knees and elbows. I walk down the hall, fast and quietly, hoping not to get pulled into a chat with any of the other lawyers, and get to Adam’s office.

The door is closed.

I open it, fast, and there they are, kissing.

They leap apart. Emmanuelle’s eye makeup is smeared, her lipstick is gone.