Hopeless (Hopeless #1)(65)
We keep our gaze locked and he gently strokes my face with his fingertips, trailing over every part of it. He never looks away and he keeps his eyes locked on mine, even when he dips his head to plant kisses around the edges of my lips. The way he looks at me makes me feel...I try to search for an adjective to follow up that thought, but I can’t find one. He just makes me feel. He’s the only boy that’s ever cared whether or not I’m feeling anything at all, and for that alone, I let him steal another small piece of my heart. But it doesn’t feel like enough, because I unexpectedly want to give it all to him.
“Holder,” I breathe. He slides his hands up my waist and moves closer to me.
“Sky,” he says, mimicking my tone. His mouth reaches my lips and he slips his tongue inside. It’s sweet and warm and I know it hasn’t been very long since I last tasted it, but I’ve missed it. His hands are on either side of my head and he’s being careful not to touch me with any part of his hands or his body now. Only his mouth.
“Holder,” I mumble, pulling away. I bring my hand to his cheek. “I want to. Tonight. Right now.”
His expression doesn’t change. He stares at me like he didn’t hear me. Maybe he didn’t hear me, because he certainly isn’t taking me up on the offer.
“Sky…” His voice is full of hesitation. “We don’t have to. I want you to be absolutely positive it’s what you want. Okay?” He’s caressing my cheek now. “I don’t want to rush you into anything.”
“I know that. But I’m telling you I want this. I’ve never wanted it with anyone before, but I want it with you.”
His eyes are trained on mine and he’s soaking in every single word I’ve said. He’s either in denial or shock, neither of which are helping my cause. I take both of my hands and place them on his cheeks, then pull his lips in close to mine. “This isn’t me saying yes, Holder. This is me saying please.”
With that, his lips crash to mine and he groans. Hearing that sound come from deep within his chest further solidifies my decision. I need him and I need him now.
“We’re really doing this?” he says into my mouth, still kissing me frantically.
“Yes. We’re really doing this. I’ve never been more positive of anything in my life.”
His hand slips up my thigh and he slips his hand between my hip and my panties, then begins to slide them down.
“I just need you to promise me one thing first,” I say.
He kisses me softly, then pulls his hand away from my underwear (dammit) and nods. “Anything, baby.”
I grab his hand and put it right back where it was on my hip. “I want to do this, but only if you promise we’ll break the record for the best first time in the history of first times.”
He grins down at me. “When it’s you and me, Sky…it’ll never be anything less.”
He snakes his arm underneath my back and pulls me up with him. His hands move to my arms and he hooks his fingers underneath the thin straps of my dress, sliding them off my shoulders. I close my eyes tightly and press my cheek to his, fisting my hands in his hair. I can feel his breath meet my shoulder before his lips do. He barely kisses it, but it’s as if he touches and ignites every part of me from the inside out with that one kiss.
“I’m taking it off.” My eyes are still closed and I’m not sure if he’s telling me or asking my permission to remove the dress, but I nod anyway. He lifts my dress up and over my head—my bare skin prickling beneath his touch. He gently lays me back against my pillow and I open my eyes, looking up at him, admiring just how incredibly beautiful he really is. After regarding me intensely for several seconds, he drops his gaze to his hand that’s curved around my waist.
He slowly moves his eyes up and down my body. “Holy shit, Sky.” He runs his hand over my stomach, then leans down and kisses it softly. “You’re incredible.”
I’ve never been this exposed in front of someone before, but the way he’s admiring me only makes me want to be this exposed. He slides his hand up to my bra and grazes his thumb just underneath it—causing my lips to part and my eyes to close again.
Oh my, God, I want him. Really, really bad.
I grab his face and pull it to mine, locking my legs around his hips. He groans and slips his hand away from my bra and down to my waist again. He slides my panties down my thighs, forcing me to unlock my legs and let him take them off completely. My bra is quick to follow and once all of my clothes have been removed, he scoots his legs off the bed and halfway stands up, leaning over me. I’ve still got hold of his face and we’re still frantically kissing while he removes his pants, then climbs back onto the bed with me, lowering himself on top of me. We’re skin to skin now for the first time, so close that air couldn’t even pass between us, yet it still feels like we aren’t near close enough. He reaches across the mattress and his hand fumbles over the nightstand. He removes a condom out of the drawer, then lays it down on the bed, lowering himself on top of me again. The hardness and weight of him forces my legs further apart. I wince when I realize the anticipation in my stomach is suddenly turning into dread.
And nausea.
And fear.
My heart is racing and my breaths begin to come in short gasps. Tears sting at my eyes as his hand moves around beside us on the bed, searching for the condom. He finds it and I hear him open it, but I’m squeezing my eyes shut. I can feel him pull back and lift up onto his knees. I know he’s putting it on and I know what comes next. I know how it feels and I know how much it hurts and I know how it’ll make me cry when it’s over.