Hold Me (Fool's Gold #16)(41)

She chuckled. “You know what I mean. Is it because there are too many women and why pick just one?” Her humor faded. “I’m asking this for real. Not just making conversation.”

“Why aren’t I married?” He shrugged. “Lots of reasons. You’re right. I did play ‘the more, the better’ game for a while. They were offering, and I wasn’t going to say no. But after a while, that got old.”

“So you switched to serial monogamy?”

“Something like that.”

“And it works for you?”

“Mostly. I do think about wanting more. But I can’t figure out how to deal with the love part. Love is just a feeling. It doesn’t get the job done.” How could he trust love when so many horrendous things were done in the name of love? If you asked his dad, the old man would swear he loved Shelby. But he thought nothing of putting a fist through her face.

Being in love didn’t protect anyone or mean everything was going to turn out okay. It was just words. Hard to get excited about that.

She sighed. “Love. Everybody wants to be in love.”

“You don’t?”

“I’m not sure. Romantic love seems sketchy to me. People fall in and out of love all the time. I think it’s better when people truly commit to each be there for the long haul. When it’s not about hormones, but about real feelings. Like when normal parents love their kids. Or friendships that last sixty years. That’s what I want.”

There was a mountain of information in those few sentences, he thought. The fact that she’d define a subset of parents as normal. Because hers weren’t?

He agreed with her concerns about romantic love. He’d found that women wanted the words. Words he refused to say, because in the end, talk was cheap. Actions mattered.

“Did you get your heart broken?” he asked gently, knowing plenty of other people simply believed the words and then were shocked when things didn’t turn out.

“Not in the way you think. I saw what my parents went through. How much they claimed to love each other, only to have it explode in their faces. They would get back together and swear it was forever, then one of them would take off or cheat or both.”

“Words without the actions to back them up.”

“Exactly,” she said. “They were ruled by their hormones. It’s ridiculous.”

“Hormones are powerful.”

Her mouth twisted. “I think it’s an excuse. We can act rationally. We simply choose not to. It’s like sex. People claim to be swept away. Really? Are you saying you can’t control yourself, or you simply don’t want to? Oh, please. We all know what it is. If you want my opinion, sex is the root of all evil. If people stopped having sex, things would be better.”

“For who?” he asked, incredulous.

“You know what I mean.”

“I kind of don’t.”

She raised her shoulders then lowered them. Her gaze was steady, as if she’d thought this all through and had all the answers.

“Like I said, I saw what my parents did. I watched other people in the band, both men and women, act like idiots because of sex and supposed love. I think there’s a better way.”

He was almost afraid to ask. “Which is?”

“A sensible plan. Finding someone who gets that it’s all a game and refuses to play. We’ll get married and care deeply about each other without all the drama. Just two committed people who want the same kind of emotionally stable life together.”

Like that was going to happen, Kipling thought, not sure if he should laugh or bolt. “Will there be sex in this sensible marriage?”

“For the purposes of procreation. There’s really no need to do it otherwise.”

He stared at her. “If you believe that, then you’ve been doing it wrong.”

She waved her hand. “Blah, blah, it’s transformative. I know. There’s no feeling like it.”

“You don’t sound convinced.”

“I’m not. I think my way is better.”

“The sensible marriage without sex between two like-minded people. For the greater good.”

She brightened. “Exactly.”

“Good luck with that.”

She looked away. “I knew you wouldn’t be interested.”

He swore silently. “You considered me as a candidate?”

“I wasn’t sure. You seemed to have a lot of really good qualities. But I figured the sex thing would be an issue.”

He had no idea what to make of what she’d told him. Or what to think. He supposed there was a compliment buried in there somewhere. “You’re completely not interested in sex?” Because when they’d been kissing, he’d felt a lot of interest coming from her side of things.

She studied her boots. “I think that staying in control is important and ultimately healthier. I refuse to give in to my base emotions. Hormones are not stronger than my will.”

He turned that information over in his mind until everything got clear. Okay, now he got it. Some dork, or maybe a couple of dorks, had done the deed and moved on without taking her over the edge. If she’d never had an orgasm, she’d been left hanging without knowing what she was missing. He was a little surprised she hadn’t taken care of business herself, but with all her rules about sensible relationships and defying her urges, maybe it was to be expected. He might not trust emotion, but he totally trusted a good plan.