His Reverie (Reverie #1)(11)

She’s f**ked a lot of the guys at school, including David. That was the reason I dumped her. I can’t be with a girl who’d screw around with my best friend behind my back.

But I’d been weak and horny when I got out of jail and she knew it. We’d fooled around in the backseat of her Dad’s beat up old car and I’d immediately regretted it after. Then I got wrapped up in Mom’s illness. Wrapped up in the shit that became my new life. Death and sadness and wondering how I was going to survive.

Getting lost with Krista… was a way to forget. At least for a little while.

“I’ve missed you. Haven’t seen you around much the last few days.” She somehow breaks free of my hold and steps in close to me, curling her arms around my neck, her hands in my hair.

“I got a new job. It’s keeping me busy.” I reach behind me, trying to disengage her hold on my neck but she presses even closer, her huge tits smashed against my chest. I can feel the heat of her skin through my T-shirt.

I know what she’s doing. And I hate to admit it but it’s working.

“Too busy for me?” she asks, blinking her heavily mascara-ed eyes at me. She tugs on my hair, pulling my face close to hers. “You don’t want me anymore, Nick? Don’t bother lying. I can feel that you do.”

I close my eyes, trying to fight this. She’s persistent. Greedy. And so am I. I can’t help it. When you have nothing, you grasp at any pleasure you can find, no matter how fleeting. No matter how empty. “We can’t keep doing this,” I say as I rest my hands lightly on her hips. I mean to set her away but instead I pull her even closer. So close, not even a piece of paper could fit between us.

“Who says? I don’t have a boyfriend and you don’t have a girlfriend. I’m bored, Nick. Nothing’s the same anymore. None of our friends are around this summer and David’s still in jail. They didn’t let him out quick like they did you, since he lied and all. So let’s have some fun.” She drags her lips down my neck, her hand slipping from my hair to touch my chest. And lower.

I hate that she mentioned David but it doesn’t kill the sexual buzz running through me. Not with the way she’s boldly touching me. And I don’t want to think about David. How he wronged me. How he’s still in jail and I’m not.

So I keep my eyes closed and think of Reverie instead. I don’t deserve her. I’m not a good person. I’m letting some girl use me to get her kicks because I want to get off too. Reverie would never do that. I bet she’s never been touched. Never been kissed. I’m used up goods and she’s virginal perfection.

Tonight…this very moment, it almost feels like I’m being unfaithful to Reverie, being with Krista. I can’t believe I’m thinking like this but there it is. And I don’t know how to deal with it.

So I don’t.

We’re kissing now. Or at least Krista is trying to kiss me and I keep avoiding her lips so she dives for my neck. We’re stripping off each other’s clothes, falling onto the couch, hands everywhere. I’m trying to lose myself like I’m so good at doing but all I can envision is Reverie.

Earlier today she was out by the pool, shooting me shy glances whenever she thought I wasn’t looking. But I’ve become quite adept at looking at her all the time, as slyly as possible. She passed by me and I called her Daydream, making her smile and blush. That smile made my heart swell, the scent of her made something else want to swell and I could hardly contain myself.

It seemed she felt the same way because she tripped somehow and nearly fell into the pool but I rescued her. Slipped my arm right around her tiny waist, making her breath hitch when I tugged her close to prevent her from falling right into the water. I held her to me for one too-long second, savoring the feel of her nestled close to me.

She was a perfect fit. And it was a struggle to let her go.

Krista is tugging on my T-shirt and I pull away so she can yank it off me. I’m like a robot, going through the motions, intent on finding my satisfaction. Drowning out the sounds of Krista moaning against my neck, how she seems to get her lessons from  p**n  stars in how she should act when she’s having sex.

All the while I can imagine Reverie’s disappointment if she knew what I was doing. How much I’d rather be doing it with Reverie.

“Come on, Nicky. Act like you want it at least,” Krista mutters, her fingers curling around my dick and giving it an almost too firm squeeze.

Leaning back, I study Krista, the way she’s rubbing against me like a cat in heat, her lids lowered, her lips pursed. Deciding the hell with it, I grab hold of her hand and drag her back to my bedroom where I can close the door, shut off the lights and pretend I’m with someone else.

Someone else I absolutely one hundred percent do not deserve.

Feeling like this is ridiculous. Pointless. I mean nothing to that girl. She might flirt with me, smile at me but it’s meaningless for her. I’m not the type of guy she’d ever be involved with. If she knew what I’ve done, what I’ve been accused of, she would freak out. She should freak out. I have secrets I can never tell her. She wouldn’t understand.

I know it.

7

Dear Diary,

(June 30th, 10:43 p.m.) I spied on Nick today. I know, I know, I feel silly for even writing it, but I want to remember every detail of what I saw. He’s so incredibly good looking. I know I shouldn't care. It’s about the integrity of a person that counts. Not how someone looks on the outside, but who they are on the inside.