Heaven, Texas (Chicago Stars #2)(40)

“I know it’s not any of my business, Gracie, but I don’t think you should let what happened stand in the way of taking this job.” She picked up her garden caddy. “You told me you didn’t want to go back to Ohio, and you don’t have another offer. Bobby Tom’s used to women losing their heads over him; I’m certain last night held a lot more significance for you than it did for him.” With a reassuring smile, Suzy disappeared inside.

Gracie knew Suzy was trying to comfort her, but the words hurt, especially because she knew they were true. She meant nothing to Bobby Tom, while he meant everything to her. She had lost her head over him, and even more shattering, she was very much afraid she had lost her heart.

She squeezed her eyes shut against the knowledge that she didn’t want to face, but it was no use. She never lied to herself, and she couldn’t do it now. Wrapping her arms around her knees, she faced the fact that, in the past week, she had fallen in love with Bobby Tom Denton. She had fallen deeply and hopelessly in love with a man who was so far beyond her reach it would have been comical if it weren’t so very sad. Those deadly wine coolers had merely brought out the truth of what had taken place inside her the moment she had set eyes on him.

She ached for him. He was wild and reckless, larger than life, everything she couldn’t be herself, and she loved him with all the passion that had lain fallow inside her for so many years. Like a molting bird beguiled by a sleek and powerful swan, she was compelled by his physical beauty. At the same time, his self-confidence and his effortless charm made her feel giddy and young again.

She felt as if she’d lived a lifetime in these past six days, and, drawing her knees closer to her chest, she forced herself to face the harsh truth. Her dreams of a glamorous career in Hollywood were just that, impractical dreams spun out of desperation, as far removed from the reality of her life as outer space. She had been playing a game with herself, one she could no longer afford, and now she confronted the painful reality that no magical life existed for her in Hollywood. This silly job with Windmill wasn’t going to lead to an exciting career. That had been a fantasy. Instead, when this was over, she would go back to New Grundy and back to the nursing home. It was where she belonged.

Admitting the truth brought her a queer sense of peace. It wasn’t the nursing home that had been wrong with her life, she now realized; it had been her life that was wrong with her life. She’d loved running the nursing home, but she’d used her job to isolate herself from people her own age because she’d always felt like such an oddity. She’d hidden out in the nursing home, made it her entire life instead of merely her career.

As the peaceful scents of the garden stole over her, she felt a peculiar excitement. She was only thirty years old, still young enough to make changes. But not in the way she’d imagined. Not by running away. Instead, she was going to begin to live every moment of her life without fear. She would stop trying to protect herself from being laughed at or rejected—those things wouldn’t kill her—and she was going to begin by letting herself love Bobby Tom with every fiber of her being.

Her heart began to race. Did she have the courage? When this was over, she would have to go back to the nursing home—she forced herself to accept that. But in the meantime…Did she have the guts to throw herself off the top of a mountain knowing that the landing might very well kill her? Did she have the nerve to grasp this unbearably short period of time when she would be with him and live every precious second of it?

A rush of exhilaration exploded inside her as she made up her mind. She was going to take the job as his personal assistant and savor every moment of the time she spent with this star-kissed man her heart had chosen so unwisely to love. She would file away every look he gave her, every smile, every gesture. She would abandon caution and give herself to him, as much of her as he would accept. Maybe he would make love to her. Probably not. But either way, she was going to give herself to him without condition, knowing that when it was over, the best she could hope for was a treasure house of memories.

She made promises to herself. This fierce love she felt for him wouldn’t keep her from seeing him clearly, the good and the bad, his monstrous ego and too soft heart, his keen intelligence and dangerously manipulative charm. Her love wouldn’t let her compromise her principles either. She only knew how to be herself, and even though that wouldn’t be enough for him, it was all she had.

She closed her eyes and saw him in her mind, a cosmic cowboy with his big Stetson and killer grin, a man who scattered stardust when he walked. That stardust had fallen on her, giving new life to her parched body and waking up her shriveled heart.

She knew there would be no happily-ever-after for her with Bobby Tom Denton, and while her heart soared, her head needed to stay firmly anchored in reality. He wasn’t going to love her in return. Extraordinary men were meant for extraordinary women, and she was hopelessly ordinary. The only way she could come out of this emotionally intact was by never forgetting that she had fallen in love with a man who was as much legend as human. Her sense of honor wouldn’t allow her to take anything from him the way everybody else did. She would give herself to him out of the fullness of her heart, not with the hope of receiving anything in return. And when it was over, this man who had been kissed by the gods would at least be able to remember that Gracie Snow was the one person in his life who had never taken anything from him.