Harvest Moon (Virgin River #15)(81)

Courtney didn’t wear the silver necklace with the doggie charm.

Through the freezing snow and sleet of January, Kelly shipped some of her jars of sauces, relishes and chutneys to people Luca had contacted for her, interested retailers in the Bay Area. She spent most of her time during the icy-cold month experimenting with soups and stews. She invited her friend Laura Osika to the Victorian to have some fun with vegetarian soups—Laura was, remarkably, a vegetarian married to a butcher. They worked together on a few of their meatless recipes.

“How did you end up married to a butcher?” Kelly asked.

“Very simple,” she answered with a warm smile. “I loved him.”

Kelly only wished love could solve her problems, for she loved Lief so much.

Winter was a great time of year to hang out in the bar kitchen with Preacher because there weren’t hunters or fishermen around. They cooked together, exchanged favorite recipes, techniques and menus. Preacher showed her what to do with game, and she showed him what to do with pastry. They had a wonderful time with stews and breads. They decided to have a chili cook-off at the bar, and it seemed to Kelly that half the town showed up. The results? A tie!

On Valentine’s Day Lief brought her flowers and a beautiful platinum choker from Tiffany’s that he admitted he had ordered from the jewelry store online. He left Courtney at home with the puppy and spent time on the third floor with Kelly, sharing a bottle of wine. But he had to get home.

And then came the rains of March, and Kelly knew it was time to make a change. She held Lief’s hands in hers and said, “I don’t know when I’ve loved a man like I love you. You make me feel like the perfect woman. Every minute I spend with you is the best minute of my day, whether we’re making love or having a meal or just talking. But those minutes?” she asked, shaking her head. “Not so many in the grand scheme of things. Of every day, every week, I have much too much time to myself, wondering when I’ll be able to see you, wondering if we’ll ever be able to make this work. Lief, I can’t do this anymore.

“I’m going to call Luca, Lief. I’m going to tell him I need a job. Either processed food production for my recipes or a chef’s position. Anything he has. I have to have purpose, something to work for. I have to feel valued. Like I’m building something.”

“But your sauces and relishes… You are building something… Right here!”

“With a lover on the side who I can meet for a quickie during school hours?” She shook her head. “It’s not working for me, Lief. It’s half a life.”

“You’d leave here? But you love it here!” he said.

“I do. And I love you. But I can’t stay here. I’m afraid of what’s going to become of us. I’m afraid I’ll actually marry you, completely against Courtney’s wishes, by the way. And in a couple of years when the blush of brand-new love and passion settles and all that’s left is the chill in the air from your daughter, it’s going to be so painful. It’s going to hurt me, you, her.”

“Please,” he said. “Don’t give up on us. Not yet. I think she just needs time—when she’s more mature…”

“I’m not giving up. I’m going to ask for a job. But when I get a job, I’m only going to visit now and then—maybe we can keep things in perspective that way. Maybe if I live in San Francisco, Courtney will be less threatened by me.” She shrugged. “It could take Luca weeks or months to come up with something for me.”

“I saw the hungry look in his eyes,” Lief said. “He’ll have the perfect job within minutes.”

“Oh, I’m not leaving you for Luca. You know that! That part of my life, that silly fantasy? Over forever. But I’m lonely here. Jill has her work, her lover, Colin’s family… I just stay busy and wait for you to call.” She shook her head. “I understand how it is—you’re a father first and your daughter needs you. She needs to be sure of your commitment to her. She will recover from everything she’s been through, I know she will, but it might be a long time. And she might be thirty-five when she’s finally ready to let me in.

“We’ll stay in touch,” she went on. “Maybe you can even escape now and then and spend a couple of nights with me in the city.”

“What are you saying?” he asked. “That you’ll wait for me?”

She shook her head. “Not saying that either, Lief. I’m saying that I’m in love with you, that moving on is so hard for me it breaks my heart, but maybe the time for us isn’t right now. Maybe it’s later, when your life is more settled and stable. And if later comes and my life hasn’t changed too much…” She shrugged. “Maybe it will still all work out. But it’s not working out now. And I can’t stay here this way. It hurts too much. I feel empty inside…”

“Is this how you break up? End it? Because I’m not ready for that to happen! I’ll just tell Courtney that she has to—”

“Sh,” she said, putting her finger to his lips. “I’m going back to the city to work as soon as I get a good offer. And I’m not telling you this so you’ll have a standoff with your daughter. You have to take care of her. I’m telling you because I don’t want you to be surprised. You can’t make Courtney accept me. In fact, if you’re able to force her to accept me, that would be even worse.” She shook her head. “What’s supposed to happen will happen. In the meantime, I’m going back to work.”