Hanging On (Jessica Brodie Diaries #2)(75)

I greeted them warmly and asked if they were having a nice time. I could tell the entire room had been watching the discourse, and I was desperate to be out of the room, but I would not let myself run with my tail between my legs.

I was using every fiber of my being to keep the lid tightened on that bottle of desperation and emotion inside.

Ami responded that they were having a great time and asked would I mind showing her where the bar was? She didn’t know the layout of the house and knew that I was more familiar with these surroundings. She said this loud enough for Dezeray to hear.

Adam extended his arm for me to take, Ami on the other side, as we slowly sauntered from the room. I was holding my breath in intervals, and breathing deeply when I could. Anything to keep from breaking into uncontrollable sobs.

It wasn’t just that I was thoroughly embarrassed in front of all these people. It wasn’t even the unmistakable issue that I didn’t belong in this society. It was that William was better off with that high class girl that knew him and his family so well. It was that I would lose him to a girl not worth half of me in value, but worth a hundred of me in status, money and birth; the things that capitalism valued.

We went to the bar and ordered a champagne. Ami and Adam were talking quietly, but I had no idea what they were saying. When Lady came in a short second later, I couldn’t even look at her. I couldn’t look at anyone.

Instead of checking on the bar supplies, she went to the far corner of the room, pushed a large tapestry aside, pulled a lever, and revealed a little room.

She left it open, put the tapestry back, and went to the bar. She asked a few questions about bar supplies then said, to no one in particular, “Sometimes it is best to step away for a moment and get your bearings. Maybe get some fresh air without being seen going outside.”

The bartender looked at her like she had gone mad. Before he could ask what she was talking about, she was walking from the room. Ami immediately pulled me to the little room, Adam in toe, and we stepped in.

It was actually a passageway big enough for two to go abreast. Well, two of Ami and I. Adam had to both stoop and walk on his own. We followed it and saw that there were little passages off to the right and left as we made our way, which probably led to other rooms in the house. Following it still, it led to a little doorway. I felt like Alice in Wonderland as we ducked out onto the expanse of grass in the back of the house.

As soon as I was out, my emotions got the better of me. I started to hyperventilate and bent down to try and catch my breath. The tears were locked down deeper with the degradation and pain, and I wasn’t ready to admit to those yet, but the freaking out was absolutely in progress.

Adam gathered me up into his arms and hugged me tightly. He crooned to me, whispering for me to hush and take deep breaths. He rocked me and rubbed my back. I felt Ami rubbing my back also, saying encouraging words to calm me down.

I pulled away from Adam. He had helped, but if he kept handling me with kid gloves I might unlock the bottle of tears. That would be disaster.

As I gave myself space from his body, he looked down at me with the panic of a man unsure what to do with a crying woman. Seeing no tears, he relaxed slightly, fear lingering that I might let go at any minute.

“Jessica, you did great,” Ami said, still rubbing my back. “You really did. You pulled yourself out of the ditch she put you in, and walked away the better person.”

“I don’t fit here, Ami. I don’t fit with these people.”

“Yeah right, and I do?” Adam asked.

“Yes, Adam. You do. You and the other trust fund babies belong here.”

“That’s just plain insultin’ Jessie,” Adam replied indignantly. “It weren’t my choice for the money, but I still do an honest day’s work. More ‘n a day’s work. I work hard, money or no. I built my ranch from the ground up. I made my own money.”

“Adam, where did you get the money to start the ranch that is now so prosperous?”

He blinked at me, but didn’t say anything.

“Exactly. You got it from your parents. Money begets money. You work hard, yeah. So do I. But I don’t have a net under me. I don’t have a starting point. I don’t have anyone to provide groundwork.”

“She’s right Adam,” Ami admitted softly. “You don’t have to work. I don’t have to work. Jess does. She is the working class. When she is older, she’ll be the middle class. Or even upper-middle class. We are in the upper class. That is the point she is making right now. But Jess, no one cares about that.”

“No one but William’s ex-girlfriend. Or his mom. Or 75% or more of the people in that house. Or, Ami, your mom.”

“Jessica,” Adam said, “Willie doesn’t care about that. He cares about--”

At that moment Claire emerged from the passageway with a “Savage! That house has haunts and all!”

Jane emerged exclaiming, “Creepy!”

They looked at me and immediately their expressions turned consoling.

“How are you?” Jane asked.

“Jessica, that girl was a f**king cunt!” Claire exclaimed.

“Claire!” Ami yelled, horrified with the language.

“That bitch is that bad!” Claire pushed. “What-is-her-fecking-problem?!”

“She wants what I’ve got. Or had,” I replied blandly.