Hanging On (Jessica Brodie Diaries #2)(51)

I walked to him; half nudged by Flem, and put my hand through his.

“Hey,” I said.

He looked down at me apprehensively.

“Do you want to get a shot?” he asked.

“Uh, just us?”

“Yes.”

Suddenly everything Flem said didn’t mean anything anymore. I was terrified this would be bad news. I shook my head.

He nodded his head in return. Hurt entered his expression and he calmly led me to the bar.

He ordered two Patron shots. Tequila. Bad news. I hope I don’t end up dancing na**d on the bar. Again.

“Lump told me about what you thought always happened in L.A.”

“What?!”

“She is worried that you think she’ll seduce me or something. She also says you have a complex about her being better looking than you.”

Wow, that about summed it up.

He took my silence to mean I agreed. A pained look came to his eyes. “Jessica.” He slowly shook his head. “Why would you think that of me?”

“I just. She...” Tears came to my eyes. I shook my head. “She is prettier, William. And capable and adaptable and one time a guy walked into the bar to meet me, then pretended he wasn’t there for me and hit on Lump. We were in separate areas when he walked in; he didn’t know she was with me. But still he left me for her. I just… It’s hard to think you’ll choose me when she’s in the room, you know?”

I knew it was a stupid thing to say as it came out. I knew they were dumb fears. I just couldn’t help it. It really mattered this time. I had a lot to lose. I couldn’t just laugh this one off if it happened.

He just looked at me. The shots arrived. He saluted me and we took the shot together. He continued to look at me. My tears overflowed. Still he looked.

“You are the stupidest smart person I know,” he started. “You think the only thing men want is a pretty pu**y, do you?”

I recoiled by his language. It was gross and harsh and not at all like him.

“You think your friend is prettier than you. You dated some pretty-boy disasters, poorly raised, no clue how to handle themselves or treat a woman, and they chase after the closest skirt moving. One of those girls was the girl you think is prettier. And that, what? Is going to set you up with men for life?”

“She always got the guys,” I answered lamely.

“Is that why she’s single?”

I just looked at him. Good point. Currently working on rebuttal.

“Getting a guy is easy. Keeping a guy, or a guy keeping a girl, is hard. Like now, for example. If it was 1960 I would probably back-hand you. I wouldn’t know that was wrong, and I would feel better that I hurt you back. Because I feel pretty shitty right now. Your lack of trust is something...” He shook his head and looked away.

After a pause he said, “After all we’ve been through. After all we’ve shared. After everything, why am I still trying to convince you that I am for real? All for you? Only you. Only you. Does the word ‘love’ mean so little to you?”

Oh man. If he had a razor blade against my heart it wouldn’t hurt as much.

“I’m sorry. It isn’t that I accused you, William. Because I do trust you. It’s just...” I took a raged breath. “It’s just that I’m insecure and didn’t realize it was this deep until it mattered, okay? I trust you. I trust her. I just… am stupid and insecure.” I trailed off and looked away.

He nodded and drank his beer. “You’re right. You are right.” He glanced past me to Adam. “When you kissed Adam earlier I wanted to rush over here and beat his head in.”

“Adam? It was just a friendly kiss on the cheek. I wanted to clear the air between us.”

“Logic says, ‘I know.’ Jealousy says, ‘Kill!’” He smiled then sobered up. “Look. Number one, pretty has nothing to do with anything. Just so happens I think you are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. It was that which made me go into Piggly Wiggly for the second time just to see you. Something about you just makes me go nuts. Number two, I love you. I have never really loved anyone before. I thought I did, but now I know that was false. Love to me is sacred. Trust is essential. If you don’t trust me, I want you to walk away from this right now.” He meant it.

Which meant I was the douche.

I got thick, as Claire would say. “You know, I am sick of this: ‘I love you, you’re beautiful, you are the one for me, bla bla’ all the time. Can’t you just for once stop making me feel like an ass? Treat me badly so I know you have flaws like everyone else? All this goody-goody makes me nervous!”

He laughed loudly and put me in a head lock. “Either I treat you like you are priceless, or I beat the shit out of you. Your choice!” He laughed again.

“Well, when you guilt trip better than a Jewish mama, I might choose the beating!”

“Alright. I made my point. Trust me. I’ll trust you. And do you mind that I called you my girlfriend?”

“Oh ho ho! Trying to sneak that in. Make me feel bad, then throw in that little nugget!”

He laughed shamelessly and shrugged. “Davies men get what they want.”

“Oh really? I shall remember to deny you next time you want something.”

“You can try.”