Hanging On (Jessica Brodie Diaries #2)(34)

William’s eyes hit mine, finished with chores and unsure what to do next. He stood strong, but his walls were crumbling. He was losing the fight to stay strong. It was my turn to protect.

I crossed the room with quick, light steps, reaching up to rest a hand on his cheek.

“William,” I said, “you did everything in your power, more than most men would, and you kept me safe. You saved me.”

He shook his head as a stray tear leaked from his eye.

“There was nothing you could have done differently,” I went on. “You did everything right. Without you I would have—”

“No.” He squeezed his eyes shut, pain lancing his face. “Don’t.”

After a moment to collect himself, his eyes drifted open and he looked deeply into mine. Into me. It was an unnerving feeling. It was like he stripped away all my defenses and looked into the private areas where I stashed my secrets. The days of hiding things from him were over.

“You would have let him kill you, wouldn’t you?” he asked in a strained voice.

I nodded. It wasn’t rational, and now seemed extreme, but that was exactly what I had been thinking.

He continued to stare into my eyes. “You wanted to send me away so you could basically commit suicide.” It wasn’t a question.

“I wanted to send you away to save your life.”

William clutched my arms, his control wobbling, the pain he was feeling visible on his face.

Across the room, the dog stood.

“I nearly came apart when you tried to leave the state,” William said in a low tone, his eyes overflowing. He wasn’t trying to hide his emotion from me. We were past that. “Do you know that? When you tried to leave me, safe and in one piece, I panicked. How could you think I could live if you died? Died because I couldn’t protect you? Do you think me a monster? That I could walk away from you at all, let alone like that? Walk away from the woman that I love?”

My heart raced. He clutched my arms hard and shook a little. The dog moved closer, sounding a soft growl.

“William, how could you've lived with me if Dusty had...? You would’ve been revolted by me.”

I didn’t even realize I’d been thinking it until it came out of my mouth. I didn’t realize the intense shame I would have felt, even though none of it was my fault. It crippled me. Made my insides squirm until I wanted to crawl into a corner and die. That’s why I’d wanted to fight even at the cost of my own life. That’s why I could barely think back on the alternative outcome without feeling dirty. Unclean.

I needed to call Dr. George tomorrow.

“How could I live with you?” William whispered, incredulous. “What do you mean? You must think I’m a monster.” There was such pain in those words. Pain to match my fear and shame. “How could I live with myself, you must mean. How could I live with my inability to keep you safe? When you were with me the whole time. How could you possibly think it’s you?” He shook me a little harder, his anger at himself letting the control of his strength slip.

Before I could talk him down, the dog reacted. It barked three times, then threw its body at the gap between us. The night erupted around us, dogs barking and scratching at the glass door. The large dog between us, battering William backwards, reaching its paws to William’s chest, growling in his face. Snapping once, a warning.

I nearly peed myself, William completely forgotten.

William stepped backward, blinking, staring into brown dog eyes instead of mine. His hands let go slowly, so as not to drag me along, as the dog pushed him back another step.

“Down,” he commanded softly, his voice weak, his body spent. The dog complied immediately, but didn’t sit down, still alert.

Although, those dogs always looked alert, so who knew.

The chorus outside died down to a few whines, now that the dog inside was calm. It must be the leader. The assistant to the top dog, the head of the pack being William. Me being just another bitch.

I was too sad to chuckle.

“Jessica.” William stepped forward and crushed me to his chest, digging his face into my neck. “It would never be you that I would shy away from. Not ever. Do you hear me? Not ever! Not for anything.” He held me tighter and took a deep, raged breath.

He loosened up enough to put his face inches from mine and look into my eyes. “I love you, Jessica. I think I always have. I am positive I always will.”

He didn’t wait for a response. He kissed me deeply and thoroughly, our bodies pushed together. I could feel his taught muscles against me, his growing manhood against my stomach.

I felt light. Weightless. But I felt grounded at the same time. I felt like I had taken a serum that heightened my senses, but nothing stood out more than before. Except William. To William I was affected. His smell. His presence. His closeness. His breathing, which was quicker than normal right now. I noticed every rise and fall of his chest, every play of his muscles as he stroked and touched me. His heart beating through his sturdy chest. His stubble against my face. The way he let his emotions for me overflow into a world of their own. A deep river that connected us at its origin and flowed across time and space to merge with a deeper body, a more expansive oasis.

“Easy cowboy.” My sultry voice was soft and sweet. It conveyed all the things that I was feeling right now. “Let’s make it to the bed, first.” I let my words be playful, but the rapid surge of need filled me.