Hanging On (Jessica Brodie Diaries #2)(104)

“I am closer to you than I ever have been to a friend. I have a good time with you, Willie, and all his friends. I have no problems there, so that can’t be it. I have kind of a crap job, but I am in line for a huge promotion to a job I actually want to do, so that is good. The pay will help me out a lot. Job front is still not worse than I’ve had, so that can’t be it.”

Lump leaned her head against the window, despondent. “I am in a new city that is exciting with a great group of people, so it can’t be the surroundings. But, something is still wrong. Something doesn’t fit.”

Her voice was straining as if she wanted to cry. Her hands were balled on her lap and she was working at keeping her breathing slow and even.

“What about if you go back to L.A.?” I asked in trepidation. It would greatly suck for me, but she couldn’t go on like this. She had to figure this out.

“I couldn’t imagine going back. I couldn’t imagine going anywhere else. Something is keeping me here, but I don’t know what it is. I don’t know how to flip the magnet so I fit like a bug-in-a-rug instead of a square peg in a round hole.”

Lump was always thinking with the third eye. Women’s intuition, if you will. When she had a feeling, she listened to it. Pity it was keeping her in misery rather than leading the way out of it.

“Well...have you thought about the man front?” I asked quietly.

“A lot. You’ve seen how many men I’ve gone through. I’ve met a few that are keepers. I’m dating one now that is a keeper, for the most part. But they just aren’t it. They are making me more listless if anything. I just don’t know. It’s killing me! I hate being unsettled.”

“You’ll find him, Lump. You’ll find him. Maybe that will be the last piece of the puzzle. Then...”

“Then what?”

“Then you become a grown-up! Dommmm dommm dommmmmmm.” I laughed.

Too serious for too long would only make her dwell on it more than she already was.

We arrived at the ranch and parked among the cars. The lights were on and the boys were already riding.

“This is bull riding, huh? In the flesh?” Lump asked, looking out at a smaller man nose-diving off the back of a jumping bull.

“Not the pros, but yes. Have you seen it before?”

“On TV, yeah. Never in real life, though. Oh, and David is coming tonight.”

“Oh.” David, Lump’s man, was decent, but I didn’t crave his company. It wasn’t as much work as Adam’s woman, but still, I was tired and cranky and didn’t want to chat to someone I barely knew that I didn’t find all that interesting. I was glad to be out of the dating circuit.

We got out and walked toward the area where our boys were. Adam saw us walk up, but he had his professional face on. William followed his gaze and furrowed his brow at our appearance. He went back to what he was doing as Lump’s phone chirped with a message.

“Do you want me to show you the bulls up close?” I asked Lump.

William turned around again. I put my hands up to show him I was not going to do anything rash. “I just want to show her, babe,” I said to fend off the look. “I won’t touch or bother them or anything. She should see how big they are up close, you know?”

He nodded and turned back around. Jeez. These boys were so serious at these things! William hated me coming because he was afraid his friends would talk me into riding again when he wasn’t looking. I hated coming for the same reason.

I led Lump around the ring to the back pen area. As we got up closer I heard her intake of breath.

“Christ. These bastards are huge!” she said in surprise.

“I know, right?! We have to take you to a rodeo. It is a sight! Though, maybe we could skip the dance after...” The shadows of my past poked out at the thought.

Lump looked at me with concern. She didn’t say anything, but looked back at the animals and stepped a bit closer. One of the bulls slowly looked up, aware of her presence and now feeling the need to point that out with a level stare.

I took a step back. Lump just smiled and shook her head.

“I can see why these boys do this. What a rush it must be!” She smiled in jubilation.

“Lump, sometimes you can be a real dude, you know?” I said in exasperation.

Her phone chirped again.

“He’s here,” she said blandly.

David wouldn’t last much longer. She had already distanced herself. It was step one in her unconscious exit strategy.

“Hey Lump,” David said as we walked up.

They exchanged a quick kiss before Lump turned back to watch what was going on. A tiny cowboy was on a steer, hoping in a straight line through the arena. He looked like a rag doll. I wondered if that was how I looked when I rode. Thank God no one had a picture!

David made some small talk that never went anywhere—I wasn’t helping much. I felt a little bad about it, but he was on borrowed time anyway. Lump, for her part, hardly tried to keep him involved. She was loving the riding, monitoring everything the boys were doing, and being slightly rude to David because of it. I could see the clench in his jaw, but he didn’t say anything about it. After a while he didn’t say anything at all.

Why didn’t she just put him out of his misery?

The cowboys rode and fell, rode and fell. The bigger guys were showing up and William was swapping around bulls. Bigger bulls starting coming out to match the better riders. Lump inched up toward the ring to get a better look, excited by their size and power.