Grounded (Up in the Air #3)(69)

That did it. I was lost.

“I’m Bianca,” she said with a sad smile, her eyes a little lost, as she cleaned me up.

“I’m Stephan,” I told her numbly. It had been so long since anyone had cared for me, or touched me in any way, that I felt almost in shock at her actions.

“You’re like me,” she said quietly, still working gently to wash the blood from my hands and wrists. She didn’t look up.

I had to clear my throat to speak. “What do you mean?”

She glanced up then, meeting my eyes squarely. I saw the strength in her from those eyes, and her quiet resolve. “You can never go back home.”

My jaw clenched, and I nodded slowly.

She never showed a hint of fear for me, and the longer I knew her, the more I realized that, considering her past, she’d had every right to.

We never asked if we’d be staying together, we just never separated.

“You don’t ever have to worry about me…trying what that old man tried. I’m g*y, so it’s not an issue,” I told her the first night we slept huddled close together, sharing one thin blanket.

It wasn’t only to assuage her fears that I told her. If my preferences were going to make her recoil from me in disgust, I wanted to know it sooner rather than later.

She just wiggled closer. “I wasn’t worried, Stephan. It didn’t even occur to me that you would try to harm me. You’re a good guy—a hero. I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life. I feel so safe with you. Safer than I’ve ever felt.”

Her words gave me a warm feeling in my chest, and above her head, my eyes filled with foreign tears. For the first time in years, I felt a fierce joy in my heart. Maybe I’d found a person who could love me. Maybe I’d found a family.

I was beyond relieved when James reappeared about two hours after they’d gone upstairs, though I would have been more so if Bianca had been with him. He wore only a pair of black athletic shorts, and he was covered in sweat. His hair was tied back and his eyes were scary. He carried a small laptop in his hand.

I swallowed hard. I wanted to see Bianca, needed to know that the scary thing in his eyes wasn’t more than she could take, but I knew she trusted me not to interfere, and I valued that trust.

“We need to talk,” he told me.

I nodded. I would take any information I could get.

He sat beside me and opened his laptop. He set it on my lap. A video was playing on the screen. I watched it for maybe a minute before I had to turn away, blushing profusely. I handed it back to him with a grimace. “Jesus! Why would you show me that, James?”

“So Bianca hasn’t mentioned it to you?”

I was livid in a heartbeat, ready to punch him. “You showed that to her?”

“No! Of course not.”

My eyes widened in realization. “That’s online?”

He nodded, looking miserable and furious all at once. “I don’t know how. I’m looking into it. But I need to know if she knows about it yet. And I need your opinion. Will she leave me if she sees it?”

I rubbed my temples. “It’s old, I assume. Long before you met her.”

“Of course. I didn’t even know it existed until a few weeks ago.”

“It will be upsetting. And she’s so skittish. I just have no idea what she’ll do, James. She’s so different with you. When she left you the first time, I was almost certain that she’d never give you another chance. All the rules changed for her when you came into the picture. I just can’t predict what she’ll do with you. But don’t let her see that video. That certainly won’t help. Knowing and seeing are two different things.”

“How can I stop her? You know her. She’ll want to see it for herself. I just know it. This is killing me, Stephan. What can I do?”

I shook my head. “So this is what has you so upset? It’s not that she went out without security?”

I watched his fists clench and felt mine copying the motion.

“It’s both. Do you know what she f**king did? She went all by herself to meet her brother. Sven Karlsson. He even has the same f**king name, and she went alone to see him.”

I felt my gut clench. “What happened? Is he like her dad?”

He shook his head. “I don’t know. I don’t think so. I’ll find out. Don’t worry about him, Stephan. I’ll make sure he’s well vetted before he breathes the same air as her again. I swear it.”

I nodded. I knew he would. And I saw that I’d been wrong to doubt him. Even in this dangerous mood, he was still only thinking of Bianca. He’d been like that from the start, which was why it had been so easy for me to share her with him. There was just something so steady about him. He’d swept into our lives with such a benevolent sort of authority. The messed-up, wounded kid that still lived inside of me longed for his approval, and he was generous with it, too. He thought I was amazing—he told me so often, and he found me worthy to help him take care of Bianca, who I knew he adored more than life; it took one to know one. He filled a role of both friend and mentor for me that I hadn’t realized I’d been missing, which made it even harder for me to fight with him. But when it came to me and Bianca, he had to know that her side was my side. There could never be a question of that. “I’m sorry I tried to interfere, James. It’s just so hard for me—“