Giving In (Surrender Trilogy #2)(13)

“Life isn’t fair, baby. And you’re right. It isn’t fair that the son of a bitch that fathered you is alive and well and Carson was killed. But little in life makes sense. We have to deal with the cards we’re dealt.”

“I hate that I can’t move on,” she whispered. “I hate it, Jensen. I hate being so weak. Do you understand that? I hate it!”

He squeezed her hand, offering his reassurance, when what he wanted most was to take her in his arms and simply hold her. Nothing else. Just hold her.

“You aren’t weak,” he denied. “I don’t pretend to know everything you’ve gone through, but I know enough to recognize you are a survivor. You didn’t allow yourself to be beaten down. You’re stronger than you give yourself credit for.”

She leaned into him, and whether it was conscious or not, he wasn’t complaining either way. Taking a chance, he let go of her hand and wrapped his arm around her, pulling her more firmly into his embrace. She rested her head on his shoulder and he could feel the exhaustion tugging at her. The need to simply rest without fear or memories of the past intruding.

How long had it been since she’d truly slept? One night where her mind was blank and she gave in to complete and utter rest.

“At times I don’t think I survived at all,” she said in a voice so low he had to strain to hear. “And I wonder if he didn’t win after all. I used to think I’d beaten him. That what he did didn’t damage me, but that’s not true, is it? He did win because even now, when he isn’t any part of my life, my present, he’s still there, just as if he was standing in front of me. And no matter what I do, I can’t get rid of him or the memory of all he did.”

He kissed the top of her silky hair, unable to prevent himself that small indulgence. She stiffened and he cursed under his breath. Because whatever slip she’d made, a small moment where she’d been able to surrender to the need to turn to someone, it was now gone and she was very aware of the fact that he was in her bedroom and she was in his arms, his lips pressed to her head.

She pulled away, unable to meet his gaze, but he could see the shame and embarrassment in her eyes and it gutted him. Because he didn’t want her to feel that way with him. He wanted her to feel comfortable enough with him to let those barriers down and let him into the heart of her.

“You should go now,” she said in a quiet, tight tone. “I’ve taken up far too much of your time already.”

“I’m not leaving you tonight,” he said bluntly.

Her head whirled around and shocked, wide eyes met his gaze. Surprise was evident, yes, but what slayed him was the abject terror in those huge eyes. He could see another panic attack was imminent and that was the last thing he wanted.

“You c-can’t s-stay here,” she stammered out.

“Yes, I can,” he said calmly. “And I am.”

She shook her head, panic spreading over her face.

He put his hand on her shoulder, feeling the violent trembling she tried so hard to control.

“I’m not leaving you, baby,” he said in a tender voice. “I get that you’re freaked out and afraid. But I swear to you that you have nothing to fear from me.”

Her mouth dropped open and she swallowed as if she couldn’t even come up with a response.

“I don’t need you to stay,” she protested.

He put a finger to her lips and simply shook his head. “You don’t want me to stay,” he amended. “But yes, you do need me to stay. And that’s the difference.”

“You don’t understand,” she said desperately.

“Shh, baby. I understand far more than you realize. Don’t you think I know how frightened you are of me? How much that guts me and how much I wish it were different? The very last thing I want is for you to fear me, and no matter what it takes, Kylie, I’m going to prove to you that you are absolutely safe with me. Safer than you’ll ever be with anyone else. I will never hurt you. Never.”

Tears gathered in her eyes. “I don’t want to be afraid of you.”

His entire heart softened at her admission. No, she didn’t want to fear him, but fear was irrational. It defied explanation, and the simple fact was that it wasn’t personal to him. She’d fear any man being this close to her. In her bedroom, sleeping in her bed. But before the night was over with, she’d know that there was nothing he wouldn’t do in order to ensure she no longer feared him.

“I’m sleeping here tonight. With you. In this bed,” he said in a calm voice as if they were discussing the mundane.

Terror blistered through her eyes and her breath quickened. Her pulse stuttered and panic slammed into her. He could see her struggling for breath, her nostrils flaring with the effort.

“Listen to me, Kylie. I understand you far better than you think. You value control in all things, because you once had that control taken from you. I’m going to give that back to you. Tonight. I’m going to sleep here, with you, so that you know you’re safe. I want you to rest. One night without dreams, or at the very least someone to comfort you when the dreams torture you. And so you are in absolute control and so you know you have nothing to fear, you’re going to tie my hands to your bedpost so that I am, in effect, helpless.”

FIVE

KYLIE stared at Jensen in complete astonishment. “That’s crazy!”