From This Moment On (The Sullivans #2)(57)

“No, Nicola. You deserve better. So much better.” He reached out a hand to her. “Give me another chance. Please.”

She wanted so badly to take his hand, to give him that chance.

But she couldn’t. Not when she knew it would only end up hurting him.

“Marcus.” Her throat caught on his name. “Is there somewhere we can go that’s more private than this?”

He nodded, his jaw tight as he dropped the hand she hadn’t taken. He led them down the sidewalk to a short path that cut between houses. A small children’s playground that looked like it hadn’t been used in a decade sat forlornly beneath the old oak trees.

“We used to come here and play when we were kids.”

Her heart ached for the child Marcus had once been...and for how short his childhood had been. Fourteen years old was far too young to have to shoulder the responsibilities he had taken on.

“Your family is amazing, Marcus.” She sat on a cracked bench. “I’m so glad I got to meet them all. There was so much love in your mother’s backyard."

He didn’t move to sit beside her, but went to his knees in the dirt before her. She let him take her hands, utterly unable to push him away one more time. Not with her hands, anyway.

“Did you mean what you said on the beach? Were you really falling in love with me?”

She met his eyes, read his pain in them, his surprising fear that she might not actually love him. She shouldn’t admit that she still did.

But she had to.

“Yes,” she said softly. “I love you.”

“Thank God.”

“No,” she said quickly, “I’ve done a lot of thinking since last night.” She swallowed hard, shook her head, tried to fight back the tears that were right there, waiting to fall. “I can guess why Smith wanted to talk to you in the garage. He was warning you about me, about what it would be like to date me, for real, out in the open, wasn’t he?”

“What you and I are doing is none of Smith’s business.”

“No, but I’ll bet everything he said to you about the circus of lives like ours is true.”

“I’ve always liked the circus.”

She wanted to throw her arms around him, wanted to kiss him for saying he would give up everything for her. But she knew she’d never forgive herself for being so selfish. And, ultimately, he’d never forgive her either.

He’d already given up so much for his family. She couldn’t let him give up even more for her.

“I cheated last night,” she confessed. “I looked you up online. I read all about Sullivan Winery. I saw how magnificently you’ve done with it and what an important role you play in your community. You deserve to have a wife who can support you in all that you do, one who can be an equal partner in it all. Not someone who’s on a different plane every week to another state, another country, another hemisphere. It didn’t take me more than five minutes with your family to see that you’re not like Smith or Lori or even Ryan. You’re not about the party. You don’t need everyone to want to take your picture. You don’t need to use your charm and charisma to try and impress people. Who you are at your core is what’s impressive, Marcus, and you don’t need a big stage or a crowd to know your own worth.”

He opened his mouth to interrupt and she put her hand over his lips before he could say something that would break her resolve.

“See, the thing is, I know my life is crazy and a circus and even though it sometimes drives me nuts that I can’t go out like a normal person to get a coffee or go see a movie, I still love it. I don’t just want to sing for a little while. I want to be around twenty years from now, still writing and playing songs that millions of people want to listen to.”

“You will.”

“Thank you for believing in me so much,” she told him. “Despite the words we threw at each other yesterday on the beach, you’ve never treated me like a dumb pop star. You’ve respected me and now I need to respect you just as much. It’s just another reason why I can’t do this to you, why I can’t ask you to be a part of my world.”

“Shouldn’t that be my decision, kitten?”

The endearment nearly broke her, enough that she admitted, “Do you know the craziest thing about all of this? I wanted to be the one to heal all of your heartache. But instead—” She had to stop, try to take the breath that was lodged in her throat. “Instead, I was the one who made it all so much worse. I’m so sorry for that, Marcus. So much sorrier than you’ll ever know."

She made herself slip her hands from his and stand up. “We can’t see each other anymore. If you could take me back to my hotel now, I’d appreciate it."

Some how, some way, she thought as she turned her back on him to walk away, she was going to keep from sobbing until she was alone.

And then, long after he was gone, some how, some way, she would have to find a way to stop.

Marcus moved behind her and put his hand on the small of her back. Just as he had that first night. “Everything you said to me out on the beach about choosing wrong because it was easier than really loving and risking everything, was right.”

Surprised, she turned to look him in the eye as he continued with, “I always thought it was my family who needed me. But I’ve finally realized that I needed them just as much. I needed them to hold onto when everything was so scary and difficult and uncertain, when the man I loved most in the world was suddenly gone one day. But when I met you, I realized I’d finally found someone I was willing to let go of them for."