Fractured (Lucian & Lia #2)(15)
I get to my feet and ask if she needs to go to the restroom before we settle in for the evening. “No, your aunt helped me earlier before Ms. Michaels arrived. I think I’m good for a while.” I nod before removing my shoes and lowering the rail on her bed before climbing in. I pull her gently into my arms and attempt to relax.
“I’m so sorry, baby, about everything you went through. I’d give anything if I could go back and keep that from happening to you.”
The sound of big, gulping sobs fills the room as she cries against my chest. “Do you think I’m ugly now?” she asks between racking sobs. My heart breaks at her question, and I wonder how to convince her that she’ll never be anything but beautiful to me, both inside and outside. No matter how much ugliness has tried to touch her.
“No, baby; God no. I will never see anything but beauty when I look at you. I am in awe of your strength. Few people could survive what you have and worry only about the feelings of others. You make me and everyone around you want to be a better version of ourselves just to be worthy of you. There is nothing in the world that your stepfather could have done to make you ugly. I hurt when I look at you because I know you are suffering. But when you are healed and ready, I’ll worship you, every inch of you, and I will only ever see you, Lia…only you.”
She relaxes into my arms and raises her head to kiss my neck. As I lay holding her, lost in my own thoughts, I hear her say the words that almost stop my heart. “I love you, Luc.” Her rhythmic breathing lets me know she’s asleep or close, and I wonder if she’s even aware of what she just said. I cycle between wanting to pull her closer and wanting to run away. Even though I know that deep feelings exist between us, I’m nowhere near ready to put a name to them. I don’t know if I’m even capable of entertaining it. Her emotions are all over the place right now, and it’s understandable that she would say things she might normally not. I swore I’d never give that kind of power to a woman again, and no matter how strongly I feel for Lia, I can’t break that oath, at least not right now when my world seems to be on the brink once again of descending into chaos. I decide not to mention it and hope it won’t become an issue between us. I can’t bear the thought of losing her, but right now, I feel we both have enough to deal with in our lives without adding the extra complications that love could bring with it.
Chapter Five
Lia
I’m being released from the hospital today, five days after my attack. Detective Michaels, as well as the nurses, have told me how lucky I am to have survived. When I look at myself, seeing my once-clear skin now riddled with black and blue marks along with the teeth impressions of a monster, I don’t feel lucky. I’m tainted with the type of dirty no amount of bathing can remove. My body, which was so familiar to me only days before now, seems foreign. The cuts and bruises will heal, I’m told; soon, there will be nothing but possibly a few scars left. I can put it all behind me and get on with my life as if it never happened. I hear some version of that almost every day. Do they really believe it to be that easy, or are they that f*cking delusional? Would they be speaking these same patronizing words if they had been brutally attacked by someone who should have only protected them? Can anyone other than another victim truly understand the sense of betrayal and shame which comes from being sexually assaulted by a parent or stepparent? I have learned to live my life despite the fact that those feelings rise at times to suffocate me, the burn on my back a constant reminder of the atrocities that someone can commit against another.
The fact that my mother knows, has always known, is an even greater cross to bear. In my lifetime, I’ve never known what it was like to be loved unconditionally until I met Debra. She is a loud, brash, business owner, but she’s a fierce protector of those she loves. The day I walked into her restaurant, desperately needing a job, was one of the best days ever for me. Debra and her boyfriend, Martin, took me under their wing, and I wouldn’t have made it as far as I have without them. She visited me yesterday, and thankfully, she was one of the few people not to tell me how lucky I am to have made it. I don’t think I could have handled her sugarcoating things for me, because that’s just not who she is. Instead, she called my stepfather a ‘f*cking, evil prick’ who needed to be taught a lesson. She was very detailed in what that lesson should entail, too. I loved her for understanding that I can’t sit around and just be thankful that my lot in life wasn’t as bad as it could be. She understood that I needed to vent even if I could only do it with insults.
And Lucian…I’ve alternated between wanting to hide myself away from him so he can’t see all the ugliness, which now seems such a dominant part of me and wanting to stay wrapped in his arms so he can protect me from the world as he’s promised to do. When he makes that vow, I know he genuinely believes he can keep me from harm’s way. He is loyal to those he cares about and gives more than he ever realizes to protect them. I don’t know the details, but I feel certain that he almost gave his life to save his friend, and possibly lover, Cassie. What I wouldn’t give to know what transpired between them. Is her story similar to mine? Is he drawn to me because I represent someone he couldn’t save in his past? I’ve spent a lot of time the last few days obsessing on what I don’t know about him. Maybe it’s easier to focus on his problems and avoid my own, or maybe I just need to understand the man who hasn’t left the hospital since I was admitted.