Forged in Steele (KGI #7)(85)

After filling Maren’s cup with ice and lemonade, he turned and sought her out again. She was back by Rachel, holding one of the babies while she and Rachel spoke. He took a moment to savor the image of her holding the child, and he pretended that it was their baby she cradled in her arms.

The picture was so powerful that it slammed into him, momentarily weakening him. He was flooded by a wave of love, an emotion he hadn’t felt in so very long. With it came memories, the pain of losing people he’d loved more than anything. And he was paralyzed with fear over the idea of ever losing Maren.

Losing his family had brought him low as a child, an event that had taken him years to recover from. But losing Maren or their child would utterly destroy him. There would be no recovering from that kind of loss. It hurt to even think about it.

Was this what the Kellys and even Rio went through every time they left on a mission? The knowledge that their good-bye to their wives might be the last time they saw them and that they might not come back this time? Did they lie awake at night considering all the enemies they’d made over the years and worry that at some point someone would seek revenge and hit KGI where it would hurt the most? Through their wives and children?

He closed his eyes and balled his fingers into tight fists. Fuck it all. If this was what being in love was like, he didn’t want it. How the f**k was he supposed to exist day to day? How was he supposed to breathe when fear made it impossible? He’d never been afraid of anything in his adult life. He performed his job by rote. Mechanically. Just like the machine he was accused of being.

But the idea of losing Maren? Of losing their child? Of leaving one day and never coming home? Or even worse, some ass**le taking revenge by taking out his woman and his child?

Fear was so heavy, so thick he could taste it. It pervaded every blood cell, his every thought, seeped deep into his brain until it was all he knew.

Jesus Christ, but this was no way to exist. How the f**k did the rest of them do it? How did they seem so goddamn relaxed all the time? He was a basket case and he’d only been in love for half a damn day.

Okay, so it was a lot longer than half a day, but he’d only made the admission or rather discovery a few hours ago.

He needed to go blow something up. Or pump a few rounds into a target. Beat the shit out of someone while he was at it. Anything to work off this restless, cagey, animalistic sensation that had him by the nuts.

“What’s eating you, boss man?” Cole asked.

Steele whirled around, nearly dropping Maren’s lemonade on the deck. His expression must have been fierce because Cole took a step back, his expression wary.

“Nothing,” Steele muttered. “Just thinking. Can you take this back to Maren? I need to tag Sam right quick.”

“Sure,” Cole said, taking the cup Steele held.

Steele made his way back over to where Sam had rejoined the others on the deck and motioned him aside. Garrett came with Sam, followed closely by Donovan.

“What’s up?” Sam asked. “You look like you swallowed a lemon.”

“Just forgot to mention a very important piece of information and I have a request to make.”

“Name it,” Sam said. Just like that. It was one of the things Steele liked most about who he worked for. Sam had his back, no questions or reservations.

“I want to fly Maren’s parents in on one of the KGI jets and pick them up at Henry County. They’re eager to see her, of course. They’ve been frantic with worry. She spoke to them yesterday and assured them she was okay. And while they’re here we need to see about setting up protection for them so that when they go back home they’ll be safe. I don’t trust Caldwell not to do something stupid.”

“I’ll take care of it,” Sam said. “And of course we can send one of the jets for them. In the meantime I’ll make some calls and get in touch with a local security firm so that when her parents return home, they’ll have round-the-clock surveillance. It would be a good idea for you to discuss frankly with them while they’re here what exactly we’re dealing with so they can be more careful and aware when they go home.”

“Thanks, Sam. This means a lot to Maren. And to me.”

“Even if we weren’t doing it for Maren, we’d do it for you,” Garrett inserted. “You never have to ask. We’ll do whatever we can to help.”

“What about your place?” Donovan asked. “I know you have a pretty tight security net around your house, but if it’s just going to be you and Maren staying there, you might want to consider having some additional manpower.”

“My team is coming out tomorrow and I’m going to have them beef up the perimeter. Planning to add heat sensors and laser detectors that will trigger silent alarms if anyone breaches the cordoned-off area. We’ll set out more cameras and make sure that if a deer so much as farts, I’ll know about it. If I sense anything out of the ordinary, I’ll be on the horn with you.”

Sam nodded his satisfaction. “You know I don’t believe in being too paranoid, so if you even think you need help, don’t hesitate to call it in. I can have a team out there in no time flat. I’m turning Nathan and Joe’s team loose in short order, but they’d be perfect as extra security for you and they can split watches if you’d feel better having extra eyes and ears on the premises.”

“I may just take you up on that,” Steele said. “I want my team to have some time off. They need it. So while they’re taking the downtime, I wouldn’t turn down having the other team check in from time to time. At least until I get my own team back.”