Forever My Love (Berkeley-Faulkner #2)(95)

“Not often enough.” Mira felt an unfamiliar shyness cover her like a diaphanous veil.

“Mira…” Alec opened his mouth and then closed it, looking as if he did not know how to continue. It was the first time Mira had ever seen him look so indecisive… almost uneasy… and she sat there staring at him silently, having no idea what he in-tended to say to her. “It is time to be honest with each other,” he finally said. “There has been enough game-playing between us, enough secrecy, enough… emotional subterfuge. It’s time now to look at things honestly… and you must be honest with yourself as well as with me.”

“I’ll try… but perhaps you’d better tell me what it is that we are talking about.”

“First of all, some things are obvious. You know how I feel about you—”

“No, I don’t,” Mira said, finding that her heart was pounding with nervousness. “I don’t know that at all.”

“I’ve wanted you from the first moment I saw you. There have always been many practical reasons not to, but nothing I can do would change the fact that I want you more than I’ve ever wanted another woman. It has been an unending invasion, relentless, tireless— something that I don’t seem to have control over. I’ve told you before that you suit me… but it is more than that. You are the only woman I’ve ever known who can swear like a dockyard lumper. You are also the only one who has somehow managed to win the approval of my mother, though I am not certain if that counts for you or against you.““I would consider it a mark in my favor.”

Alec smiled, looking more at ease. “Do you remember the morning I was thrown from Sovereign? After what I has said to you before, I expected you to run up and kick me… and you should have… but you were compassionate. I suppose it all began at that moment.”

“Yes, I remember.”

“And then, that first time… it meant more than I had expected, to discover that I was the only man ever to have you. I was the first man you voluntarily gave yourself to, without any feelings of obligation, without anything to gain, without any bargain struck between us.” His gaze was bright and intent as it held hers captive, all traces of humor fleeing his expression. “I want you,” he said quietly, “to be my wife. In spite of all I said before, it seems to be the only way to make sense out of what’s between us.”

Mira stared at him in mute amazement. “Well?” he pressed after a few moments of silence. “What is your answer?”

Gradually she found her voice. “Answer to what?” she asked, stalling for time that she desperately needed in order to think. “I wasn’t aware that you had asked me a question.”

“What is your reaction to the idea?”

“I… I’m not certain.” Mira stood up, too agitated to remain sitting. This moment was something she had not even dared to fantasize about. He had just asked her to be his wife! But something was wrong, all of it felt wrong to her, and she didn’t know how to explain it, either to him or to herself. “I’m more than surprised… I’m astounded that you asked me to marry you.”

“Yes,” he said impatiently. “Now give me your answer.”

“I can’t… not right away, not without first telling you how I feel,” she said. “You asked me to be honest… I owe that to you, at least.““What do you mean, ‘at least’?”

“Alec…” she said, and it was painful to continue, because suddenly she understood the truth for the first time and she wished that she could just ignore it. “My first impulse would be to accept your proposal—it would be easy to say yes. I want to say that word, more than anything I’ve ever wanted.”

“Then say it.”

“I can’t. Not when I know what a disaster it would be. You haven’t thought about what it would mean, I know you haven’t.”

“Of course I have,” he said roughly. “I’m not a fool—I know it will be difficult, and I realize what we’ll have to face—”

“I doubt that,” Mira said, fumbling for the right words. “You don’t fully realize how different we are. It would be impossible for you to understand just how different my background is from yours. You’ve said that you want me, and… I feel the same about you. But I’m not the kind of person you really want for a wife.”

“Would you let me be the judge of my own feelings?”

“Your feelings about me are going to change,” she said, with such utter conviction that Alec was temporarily surprised into silence. “And if you made me your wife, you would wake up one morning and see what a tragic mistake you had made, and that you should have married one of your own kind—”

“Mira,” he interrupted, and his expression had changed, as though he had sensed that his anger would only make her more obstinate. His voice was soft and very persuasive. “You are my own kind… and you know I’m not an impetuous boy who doesn’t know what he wants. I’ve thought about everything, including your past, and I still want to marry you. You’re afraid that your past will come between us. That’s not for you to worry about. My feelings about your past are my problem, not yours, and I’ll deal with them—““I don’t think you’ll be able to. Almost any other barrier between us might be surmountable… but there are things about me that I can never change, just as there are things about you that never will. We don’t belong together, and you don’t know how much I wish we did… but I can’t marry you. The answer is no. I can’t:’