Forbidden Falls (Virgin River #9)(105)

Eighteen

At the Fitch house, after the children had been settled in bed and Ellie had gone to her apartment, Nick wandered into the kitchen where Jo was brewing a cup of tea. “Think I could have one of those?” he asked.

“You hate tea,” she said.

“Just the same, could I? And sit with you a minute?”

“Sure,” she said, totally confused. “But tea?”

“Want me to get it myself?” he asked. “I’d be glad to. You wait on me too much anyway.”

She went for a cup and saucer, put a tea bag in it and poured boiling water from the kettle. “I just do what I’m expected to do.”

He let that go a beat, until he was busily dunking the tea bag. “You do way more than what’s expected. What you’re doing for Danielle and Trevor, for example. If those kids didn’t have you, life just wouldn’t be fun for them right now. For that matter, if Ellie didn’t have you in her corner, I hate to think…”

“You should give yourself a lot of credit, too, Nick,” Jo said.

He took a courage-building breath. “We’re not a bad team, despite all. Jo Ellen, I’d like to say I’m sorry. I’d like to apologize to you for my mistakes, but as it turns out, there are too many to count. I could start right now and still not be done by next Tuesday. But in my gut, I’m aware of every mistake I ever made, and I’m sorry. I love you and I’m sorry.”

“Nick?” she questioned, dumbfounded.

“Seems like the turning point for us had to do with the adoption issue, but I don’t kid myself that that was all that was wrong between us. I bungled a lot of things, and somewhere along the line, I lost you.” He reached across the table to take her hand. At first she jumped, almost pulling her hand away. But then she thought better of it and let him hold it. “Can you ever accept my apology? I’m just not a very smart guy. I knew I was making mistake after mistake, but it was like I was helpless. Once you went to your own room, I wanted to pull you back to me. But instead, out of hurt pride, I pushed you further away. God, what I’d give to undo that, to be able to change course.”

“I know why you didn’t want to adopt children,” Jo said. “I never could accept it, but at least I knew your reasons. But what possible reason could you have for making passes at women? For making me a laughingstock?”

He shrugged and looked down. “Lord, I don’t have a reason. I was always looking for attention, I guess. Wanted you to think you had some competition, maybe. But you weren’t a laughingstock—it was you the town respected. I heard them say it—what is she doing with that idiot? Why does she stay with him? They knew why I stayed, even though it looked like I wasn’t satisfied in marriage. Because, Jo Ellen, there’s not a better wife in this town than you. You take better care of me and our home than any woman ever could. But even though you made sure I was never without a good meal or a sewed on button or a perfect house, our days of hugs and kisses have been over for decades. You know everything I like and don’t like, know everything about me, even though we hardly ever have a real conversation. I miss you, Jo Ellen.”

Jo felt the moisture rise in her eyes. “This is so sudden…”

“It probably seems like it. If you only knew how many times I wanted to bring it up, and didn’t know where to start.”

“And why now, Nick?”

“Because, Jo Ellen, seeing you with Ellie and the kids, I realize it’s not too late for us. It might be too late to adopt children, but…I’d like it if we get to keep Ellie and the kids as part of our family from now on. But even if that’s not possible for some reason, it’s pretty obvious we can make it our mission to have family. We can get involved in community stuff to do with children—they’re always begging for volunteers for everything. Make A Wish, Special Olympics, Parks and Rec, Little League, everything. We got us a new church in town—we can help out there. I bet there are single parents everywhere in this county that could use a hand…”

Jo started to laugh and squeezed his hand. “Don’t you dare volunteer us for anything without talking to me first.”

“I promise,” he said. “Jo Ellen, honey, can we start over? We used to have something pretty special, you and me. I don’t think it’s too late for that.”

“Ah. I think I know what you want. Pretty sneaky.”

“Huh? What?” he asked.

“Bedroom stuff,” she said. “That’s what this is all about.”

“Oh, phooey,” he scoffed. “That’s not what I’m after. I just want some good feelings to go with the great way we manage this marriage. Know what I mean?” He leaned toward her. “I want to hug. I want a kiss on the cheek sometimes. I want to help with the dishes and talk about our days.” Then he got a twinkle in his eye. “But, if I remember, we did have that bedroom stuff pretty well figured out.”

“Nick!” she said with a laugh.

“We did,” he said, grinning.

“I’m going to have to think about this a little bit. You took me by surprise.”

“Think about this, Jo Ellen,” he said, taking both her hands across the table. An unaccustomed dark stain rose up on his cheeks, like a youth looking for romantic courage. “We’re going to a fancy wedding on Saturday. In our brand-new church. We could hold hands while they say their vows and we could silently say ours to each other. Nothing official, no big announcement, but a private renewal for you and me. A new start. If you can forgive me for everything I did to screw us up, that is.”