For You (The 'Burg #1)(97)
I felt his head shake. He was so close, his stubble caught at my hair. “None of it.”
“I don’t agree and when I walked in here you felt the same way.”
One of his arms left my belly and came up to lock around my upper chest.
“I was pissed, baby.”
I nodded. “Sure, now you feel bad, my sad story, you’re over it. You get pissed next week, next month, then where will I be?”
“Feb –”
“Right back where I was ten minutes ago, Colt.” I pressed against his arms. “Let me go.”
“Feb –”
“That’s not a life I’m willin’ to lead.”
“Feb –” “Colt, let me go.”
He gave me another shake, this one was rougher almost a jerk and I knew he wanted my attention at the same time he was losing control. I stopped pressing and Colt started talking.
“Honey, I did that twenty-two years ago and doin’ it again would mean me leading a life I’m not willin’ to lead.” He let my chest go but used my waist to whirl me to face him, his hands locked on either side of my neck, keeping me where I was and he dipped his face close to mine so he was all I could see. “You wanna play the blame game?” he asked. “We’ll play.”
This was said in a voice firm as steel and I braced because I’d heard that voice before. He talked to Susie like that except this time there was no ugly, just hard.
Colt kept talking. “You walked away and I was such a jackass, I let you go. The hurt happened on both sides and we both acted stupid and gave into it. I knew I didn’t do anything wrong but how hard did I try to convince you of that? You weren’t who all those guys said you were bein’, I knew it and I still believed it because I had to believe that new Feb was the one who broke up with me. We were both young, we were both stupid and we were both f**ked over and we didn’t know it.” His fingers gave me a squeeze. “Now we know we’re bein’ f*cked over and we let him do it again, we let him f**k us, we let him tear us apart, that’s when we really let him win.”
“Colt –”
“Only thing he wants is you,” Colt said. “Maybe only thing he ever wanted in this world. You give yourself to me, he can’t have it.” His hands gave me another squeeze. “Like it right now or not, Feb, coupla days ago, you gave yourself back to me. You think I’m lettin’ that go, think again because, baby, you’re f**king wrong.”
“Colt –”
“Hear me?”
“Colt –”
Another finger squeeze. “February, do you hear me?”
The tears came back, I felt them this time, pooling in my eyes and sliding down my cheeks with that sinister little tickle they always left in their wake.
I didn’t touch him, get closer, nothing, just looked in his eyes when I gave him the only thing I had left to give.
“Got a place inside me,” I whispered, “back then, way back then, I held it to me, don’t know why, maybe because I thought you were holding something back from me, but I never let you in.”
He dropped his forehead to mine and closed his eyes. “Honey –”
“You got in, Colt,” I said and watched, super close, as his eyes opened and his hands tightened on my neck, no squeeze this time, they stayed tight and I could feel the pad of every finger pressing into my skin. “Few days ago, you got in. I didn’t let you in, you just got in.” Finally I lifted my hands to his chest and bunched his shirt in my fingers. “I wanna lock you there,” I whispered, scared to death but sharing it all, hiding nothing, giving him everything, fighting the hitch in my voice that my tears were threatening. “Lock you up tight inside me, babe, and never let you out.”
His hands came to my face and his lips came to mine. “Don’t want out, Feb.”
“You say that but you don’t know what I mean.” My mouth moved under his. “I won’t let you out even if I make it so you want to leave.”
“Baby, I’ll never want to leave.”
My hands twisted in his shirt. “Promise me.”
He didn’t promise me, not then or, more to the point, not with words.
He kissed me, his mouth opening over mine, mine doing the same under his, his tongue spiking inside, his fingers gliding into my hair, fisting. I felt pain in my scalp but it didn’t register as I pressed into him, flattening my hands on his chest, caging them between us, caught up in a wordless promise that was the most beautiful thing I’d ever experienced, the most wondrous gift I’d ever been given in my life.
It was only after he lifted his head that he said the words he didn’t need to say anymore.
“I promise, February.”
I felt a weird, wonderful, warm whoosh flow through me, so much of it, whatever it was, I thought it had to start leaking out my pores, gushing right back out. Somehow, against the odds, my skin contained it and held it safe inside.
Once it settled, my hands glided up Colt’s chest, his neck and my fingers slid into his hair. I went up on my toes and I kissed him, giving him my own promise.
* * * * *
It was late when Colt closed the door behind Jimbo and Jessie, locked it and turned to the kitchen.
February and Jackie were in it, Feb drying a big stockpot with a kitchen towel, Jackie handwashing glasses and turning them upside down in the dish drainer.