Fools Rush in(77)

“Great,” I answered, my heart sinking. Because of course, all of the above was exactly what I wanted him to think. While that had been the whole point, I nonetheless felt deceitful. To cover my dismay, I made a kissing noise at Digger, who happily left Joe to nuzzle my crotch. “No, no, Digger. Sit. Good boy.”

“Why are you with me?” Joe asked.

“Huh? Oh, well, lots of reasons.” I scratched Digger’s tummy, causing my dog to collapse in joy.

“Go ahead.” Joe smiled in the semidarkness, his perfect teeth gleaming.

“Well, you’re cute, there’s no denying that. But you’re also, uh, hardworking, and nice. You know, kindhearted. And you’re cheerful. I mean, happy. Which is good.” That sounded a little feeble, but he laughed a little.

“Yeah, well, you can’t take life too seriously, right?” He leaned back in his chair and took another swallow of beer.

Digger curled up in a tight circle beside my chair, resting his chin on my foot. The silence stretched on, the wind soughing in the leaves of the locust trees. It should have been a lovely moment. “Joe?” I asked. “Do you remember the time our class went to Plymouth Plantation?”

Joe frowned in concentration. “Um…not really.”

“Sure, you do. All the people were dressed in period clothes and stuff? The blacksmith, the guy who was Miles Standish?”

“Oh, yeah! That was pretty cool.” He paused. “You want to go back or something?”

“No,” I said, a little exasperated. “I just—Do you remember on the bus ride home, when I threw up?”

Joe grimaced. “Yuck.”

I took a quick breath, then pasted a smile on my face so I wouldn’t seem like a nag. “Do you remember, Joe?”

“No, not really.”

My smile dropped off my face like a rock. “You don’t?”

“Nope. Why?”

“You were so sweet to me. The other kids were laughing and you told them to shut up.” My voice took on a whining note.

“Oh. Well, that’s good.”

I forced myself to close my mouth. It doesn’t mean anything, Millie. Joe does that kind of thing automatically. It doesn’t matter if he can’t remember.

But it did matter. That moment was arguably the most important moment of my adolescence. It represented every good quality I ever thought Joe Carpenter had. That moment had sustained me through some awful times, reminded me why other men didn’t measure up to Joe Carpenter. And he didn’t remember.

I BEGAN TO ANALYZE Joe’s every word, action and gesture. We’d been together for more than a month now, and everything was great. Except for my brain. I was driving myself crazy with the analysis, but I couldn’t help it.

I loved Joe. I did. Right? Aside from his charm and beauty, though, what did I love? He did work hard. And he was kindhearted. Sort of. Except that some of the examples that had previously thrilled my heart were not exactly what I’d thought.

“Katie, what do you think about Joe?” I asked one day when we had brought the boys to Wiley Park. They were splashing about happily at the edge of Great Pond, digging to their hearts’ content.

Katie looked at me sharply. “Uh-oh. What happened?”

“Nothing, nothing. It’s just…well, why do you think something happened?”

“Because,” she said, digging her toes into the coarse sand, “you’ve never wondered about Joe in the past. Ever.”

I sighed. “Well, I can’t really go into it, but I ran into someone who used to date Joe, and it made me think.”

“Well, hell, Millie, if you swing a cat around here, you’re going to hit someone who used to sleep with Joe. You know that, right?” She rummaged around in the cooler and handed me a Snapple.

“Thanks. Yeah, of course I know. It’s just…” I shifted in my beach chair.

“What are you worried about, exactly?” Katie asked.

“About…I don’t know. Do you think we’re good together?”

Katie studied the her sons. “Michael, honey, don’t dump sand on your brother’s head. Thank you. Listen, Millie,” she said, “I think you know enough about Joe to make up your own mind.”

“That’s it? That’s all you’ve got for me?”

“Yup. Sorry.” She smiled apologetically.

“Okay, well, answer me this, then, o mighty sphinx. How do you know if you really love someone?”

“Ooh, great question. I have no idea.”

“Katie! Come on. Play with me.”

She laughed. “Okay, okay. Not that I’ve had true love, mind you. I’ve only had Elliott.” She thought for a minute, then said, “Okay. Real love would be when no matter how happy you were at any given moment, it would be better with the person you love. Like having that person there would make it perfect.”

“That was good,” I said. “‘You complete me’ and all that.”

“Sure.” She smiled and scooped up her long blond hair under her Red Sox hat. “And when you’re with that person, you’re showing your best self. Not faking, just at your best.”

My smile faltered. Was I faking with Joe? No, impossible. I loved him. I was my best self. I just wished it wasn’t so much effort…. To change the subject, I asked, “Don’t you ever want to experience that? Some day in the far distant future, I mean?”