Existence (Existence Trilogy #1)(30)
“What? You look mad. Don’t get me wrong I don’t like Kendra, Pagan. That isn’t what this is about.” He reached for my other arm and pulled me around to face him. His earlier hostile expression toward Dank had vanished. Now he was worried and for the first time I didn’t care about easing his concern. “Look at me. I don’t want her. You’re all I want. I love you Pagan. It isn’t like that with Kendra. I just don’t want her hurt. She has—”
“Issues, yeah, I heard you,” I said, cutting him off before I forgot myself and made a scene. I took a deep breath reminding myself I was taking this personally because of my feelings for Dank. “Look, if Dank Walker has any interest in Kendra then she should count herself lucky. From what I know of him he is intelligent, honest, talented, and compassionate.”
I glared back at Leif who seemed to be taking in my words. I wanted to say more and continue defending Dank but I knew I’d said enough. “I need something to drink. I’ll be right back,” I said before turning and walking away. It was abrupt but I needed to put some space between my anger and Leif.
Miranda waved at me as I passed by where she and Wyatt were dancing. I forced a smile but kept walking. Kendra’s skin-tight red dress caught my eye and I turned to see her wrapped around Dank, laughing and dancing in such a way that would have the chaperones on her within seconds.
Jealousy knotted in my stomach at the way Dank held and touched her in ways he’d never touched me. I didn’t head toward the refreshment table. Instead, I headed for the back doors. I needed to get away from Leif and Dank. I paused at the door. Being alone in the dark might not be such a good idea. Kendra’s laughter rang in my ears and I decided right now, I would rather face the touchy creepy blond soul than watch Dank holding Kendra.
The night breeze had cooled down in the last couple of weeks. I wrapped my arms around my waist and walked toward the deserted football field. The emotions churning inside me gave me a sense of bravado. I walked on, away from the music and laughter. I thought back to last summer at my aunt’s ranch and how easy things had been. I’d spent my time riding horses and helping my aunt deal with the death of my uncle. Mom had suggested I go visit her so she wouldn’t be alone. I’d agreed to go, thinking that being away from this town and my memories of Jay would help. It had, in a sense. After a few weeks, I’d come to realize Jay and I were never meant to be. Another pro about being on the ranch had been the wandering souls had seemed to be sparse. It had been a brief reprieve from my life. However, the last few weeks of the summer, I’d looked forward to coming home. I glanced back at the gym and thought of how crazy things had gotten since my return.
“Why aren’t you inside dancing with your date?” Dank’s voice broke the silence and I turned to see him leaning up against the cement wall of the stadium. I shrugged and ducked my head as if studying my feet. I didn’t want him to see the hurt or jealousy in my eyes. It was bad enough he probably already knew. “He’s looking rather forlorn sitting at a table all alone,” Dank said quietly into the night. A flicker of guilt deep in my stomach wasn’t enough to send me back inside. I shrugged again and didn’t meet his probing gaze. He chuckled and the low, sexy sound sent a shiver through me. “So, have you decided to try the ignoring me thing again, to see if I go away?” he asked with a touch of humor in his voice.
I bit my lip to keep from smiling and shook my head no.
“I know that doesn’t work with you.”
“Why are you out here, Pagan? What’s wrong?” he asked quietly. I reluctantly glanced up at him. He was so incredibly beautiful standing with his arms crossed in front of his chest.
The dark hair that curled at the ends seemed to dance in the breeze.
“Nothing that concerns you,” I lied. He tilted his head to one side and flashed me a wicked grin.
“Really?”
I nodded. “Really.”
His hands fell to his sides as he stepped away from the wall and took a step toward me. “Seeing me dance with Kendra doesn’t bother you?” he asked in a husky whisper. I shook my head and looked away from him, refusing to step back from his nearness. His eyes bore down on me so intensely it was as if he were actually touching me. My heart started beating hard against my ribs and I looked at him.
His eyes flickered from my dress back to my face. “I knew pale pink would suit you. Most girls can’t pull it off but on you it’s perfect.”
I swallowed, afraid my heart was about to pound right out of my chest. I didn’t want to think about the way his gaze made every cell in my body come alive.
“You think I don’t want to touch you the way I touch Kendra. You’re right.” His words washed over me like ice water and I stepped back away from him as if he’d just slapped me. My pounding heart constricted and I took a quick intake of air, afraid, for a moment, that I wouldn’t be able to breathe. His hand reached out, grabbed mine, and pulled me up against him. “When I touch Kendra I mentally cringe at having to continue to pull off the farce of being interested in her.”
I stopped trying to pull my hand out of his and stared up at him. This sounded like something I wanted to hear.
“When I can’t control my need for you and allow myself to touch you it ignites a monster inside of me that I’m afraid I’ll lose control over. You make me feel things I’ve never felt before. Something happens,” he paused and lowered his gaze from my eyes to my lips, “when I’m near you like this.” He touched my lips with his fingertip and I trembled. He closed his eyes as if in pain. “And when you react the way you do, I feel the clawing inside me to take what I want.” He opened his eyes and stared at me with an intensity that would have frightened me had I not trusted him so completely. “You’re the one thing I want the most in the world yet the one thing I cannot have. Because to have you completely would be impossible. You can’t go where I walk.” He stopped and cradled my face in his hands. “The purpose of my existence is not to have a mate. It is lonely and cold.