Ecstasy Untamed (Feral Warriors #6)(89)

Her breath caught.

"Newly marked Ferals tend to be short on control, and mine had been shattered. He ran right for me, as he always did. But I didn't grab him around the waist and sweep him high like I usually did. I lashed out at him with my claws, unthinking. It was the first time I went feral."

"Oh, God, Hawke." Her scalp crawled with horror.

"I didn't kill him, thank the goddess. I caught him across his face and shoulder, but he nearly bled out before we got the bleeding stopped. It was close." He visibly shuddered. "So close. And he lived the rest of his life with the scars I gave him that day." The bleakness in his voice raked at her heart. "As soon as I was certain Aren would live, I left for Feral House."

"And you never forgave the animal spirit for what you did to Aren."

He stilled, then turned to her slowly, his eyes narrowed as if he'd never considered that. "I understood just how dangerous a Feral could be. I knew what could happen if I lost control. I never lost it again. Not until recently. Not until the spirit trap."

"You never lost control because you held it so tightly. You never trusted the animal spirit because you were afraid of that wildness inside of you. That wildness that made you harm Aren."

He frowned. "I suppose."

"You need that wildness."

"No."

"Yes. You do. That's what makes me so fast when I'm in my falcon." She went to him, pressing her hands against his chest, making him look at her. "Even if you embrace that wildness, you aren't going to be a danger to anyone you don't mean to be. Not now. You're the kindest man I've ever known."

He covered her hands with his, his expression telling her he wasn't sure he believed what she was saying, but he was listening.

"You have an innate gentleness, a goodness, that goes all the way to your core, Hawke. I can't imagine what it must have done to you to have accidentally harmed a child like that. A boy you loved."

He flinched and started to look away, but she lifted her hand and stopped him, forcing him to look at her.

"What you have inside you right now is a battle between that gentleness and the wildness. It's not you against the bird, do you realize that? It's a battle between the two halves of yourself. You've kept the wildness so carefully controlled that you never even realized the war has been raging since the day you were marked. Not until the spirit trap wrenched away your ability to control it. Before that happened, the hawk spirit suffered from your denial of the wildness, but you didn't realize it. You do now. And you're both suffering. Only by embracing both halves of yourself will you heal." She stroked his cheek. "You won't lose your humanity, Hawke. What happened to Aren was a simple matter of your both being in the wrong place at the wrong time. And your being a very-newly-marked Feral."

He was quiet for long seconds, his gaze grazing her face, his thoughts awhirl in his eyes.

Finally, he made a frustrated sound. "I understand what you're saying in theory, Smiley, but I have no idea how to do it short of shifting. And all I know is that if I shift, I won't come back."

She didn't know what to say to that. Because she didn't have an answer. And neither, unfortunately, did the falcon. The females might understand the problem, but it was up to the males to figure out how to fix it. Either they'd find their way, or they wouldn't. But if they didn't . . . and soon . . . she'd lose the man she loved forever. And the thought of it was killing her.

Hawke pulled away from Faith, burning with frustration. He knew that what she said was true, that his breach with the hawk spirit had reached critical stage. But he didn't know how to fix it! He and his bird had been one for nearly a century and a half. He thought things had been fine between them. What did the damn bird want? Trust, Faith said. And how was he supposed to trust a creature who would steal him away for thirty-seven hours?

What if he gave himself up to the bird, and the bird took off and never came back? He'd be useless to the other Ferals, nothing more than a wild hawk until he flew too far from the radiance for too long and died. It would be far better for all involved if the connection severed, if he cleared the way for another to be marked. A bird shifter who, like Faith, might have a way with his bird as he himself had never had.

Goddess, he'd never known it could be like that - darting and shifting with breakneck speed and perfect precision. He was good, but it had taken years of practice. And he'd never been able to do what he'd just watched Faith do. When she'd first taken off and zipped into the trees, he'd been terrified she was going to crash. He'd thought she'd kill herself. How could she possibly have darted faster than he could? Yet she had. Far faster than any normal falcon.

He heard Faith move behind him, felt her arms circle his waist, her cheek press against his back.

"I don't want to lose you."

Her words tore at his heart, and he turned and pulled her into his arms. All these years he'd waited for the one who would make his life complete. And now he'd found her. Too late. He rested his chin on the top of her precious head and grieved for all he would miss - Faith's smiles, her laughter, her body swelling with his child. The fire in her eyes as she trained as a warrior and fought at his side. The glow that would shine from within her as she realized her true strength, her true worth.

"Any shifter who can fly like you can will be an asset to the Ferals." He kissed her hair and arched back a little so that he could see her face. "You're going to have a place with them, Smiley. They're going to need you."