Eclipse (Twilight #3)(135)

"Edward," I whispered to the rough nylon. "I . . . I . . . I'm -"

"Shh," he hushed me, his fingers soothing against my cheek. "That's not what I meant. It's just that he would have kissed you anyway - even if you hadn't fallen for it - and now I don't have an excuse to break his face. I would have really enjoyed that, too."

"Fallen for it?" I mumbled almost incomprehensibly.

"Bella, did you really believe he was that noble? That he would go out in a flame of glory just to clear the way for me?"

I raised my head slowly to meet his patient gaze. His expression was soft; his eyes were full of understanding rather than the revulsion I deserved to see.

"Yes, I did believe that," I muttered, and then looked away. But I didn't feel any anger at Jacob for tricking me. There wasn't enough room in my body to contain anything besides the hatred I felt toward myself. Edward laughed softly again. "You're such a bad liar, you'll believe anyone who has the least bit of skill."

"Why aren't you angry with me?" I whispered. "Why don't you hate me? Or haven't you heard the whole story yet?"

"I think I got a fairly comprehensive look," he said in a light, easy voice. "Jacob makes vivid mental pictures. I feel almost as bad for his pack as I do for myself. Poor Seth was getting nauseated. But Sam is making Jacob focus now."

I closed my eyes and shook my head in agony. The sharp nylon fibers of the tent floor scraped against my skin.

"You're only human," he whispered, stroking my hair again.

"That's the most miserable defense I've ever heard."

"But you are human, Bella. And, as much as I might wish otherwise, so is he. . . . There are holes in your life that I can't fill. I understand that."

"But that's not true. That's what makes me so horrible. There are no holes."

"You love him," he murmured gently.

Every cell in my body ached to deny it.

"I love you more," I said. It was the best I could do.

"Yes, I know that, too. But . . . when I left you, Bella, I left you bleeding. Jacob was the one to stitch you back up again. That was bound to leave its mark - on both of you. I'm not sure those kinds of stitches dissolve on their own. I can't blame either of you for something I made necessary. I may gain forgiveness, but that doesn't let me escape the consequences."

"I should have known you'd find some way to blame yourself. Please stop. I can't stand it."

"What would you like me to say?"

"I want you to call me every bad name you can think of, in every language you know. I want you to tell me that you're disgusted with me and that you're going to leave so that I can beg and grovel on my knees for you to stay."

"I'm sorry." He sighed. "I can't do that."

"At least stop trying to make me feel better. Let me suffer. I deserve it."

"No," he murmured.

I nodded slowly. "You're right. Keep on being too understanding. That's probably worse."

He was silent for a moment, and I sensed a charge in the atmosphere, a new urgency.

"It's getting close," I stated.

"Yes, a few more minutes now. Just enough time to say one more thing. . . ."

I waited. When he finally spoke again, he was whispering. "I can be noble, Bella. I'm not going to make you choose between us. Just be happy, and you can have whatever part of me you want, or none at all, if that's better. Don't let any debt you feel you owe me influence your decision."

I pushed off the floor, shoving myself up onto my knees.

"Dammit, stop that!" I shouted at him.

His eyes widened in surprise. "No - you don't understand. I'm not just trying to make you feel better, Bella, I really mean it."

"I know you do," I groaned. "What happened to fighting back? Don't start with the noble self-sacrifice now! Fight!"

"How?" he asked, and his eyes were ancient with their sadness.

I scrambled into his lap, throwing my arms around him.

"I don't care that it's cold here. I don't care that I stink like a dog right now. Make me forget how awful I am. Make me forget him. Make me forget my own name. Fight back!"

I didn't wait for him to decide - or to have the chance to tell me he wasn't interested in a cruel, faithless monster like me. I pulled myself against him and crushed my mouth to his snow-cold lips.

"Careful, love," he murmured under my urgent kiss.

"No," I growled.

He gently pushed my face a few inches back. "You don't have to prove anything to me."

"I'm not trying to prove something. You said I could have any part of you I wanted. I want this part. I want every part." I wrapped my arms around his neck and strained to reach his lips. He bent his head to kiss me back, but his cool mouth was hesitant as my impatience grew more pronounced. My body was making my intentions clear, giving me away. Inevitably, his hands moved to restrain me.

"Perhaps this isn't the best moment for that," he suggested, too calm for my liking.

"Why not?" I grumbled. There was no point in fighting if he was going to be rational; I dropped my arms.

"Firstly, because it is cold." He reached out to pull the sleeping bag off the floor; he wrapped it around me like a blanket.