Dolores Claiborne(72)

I says, 'If it's what you want, Vera, I'll help you.' She started to cry then. It was the only time when she wasn't all dim n foolish that I ever saw her do that. 'Yes,' she says. 'Yes, it is what I want. God bless you, Dolores.'

'Don't you fret,' I says. I raised her old wrinkled hand to my lips n kissed it.

'Hurry, Dolores,' she says. 'If you really want to help me, please hurry'

'Before we both lose our courage' was what her eyes seemed to be sayin.

I kissed her hand again, then laid it on her stomach n stood up. I didn't have no trouble that time; the strength'd come back into my legs. I went down the stairs n into the kitchen. I'd set out the bakin things before going out to hang the warsh; I had it in mind that it'd be a good day to make bread. She had a rollin pin, a great heavy thing made of gray marble veined with black. It was layin on the counter, next to the yellow plastic flour canister. I picked it up, still feelin as if I was in a dream or runnin a high fever, n walked back through the parlor toward the front hall. As I went through that room with all her nice old things in it, I thought about all the times I'd played that trick with the vacuum cleaner on her, and how she'd got back at me for awhile. In the end, she always wised up and got her own back. . . ain't that why I'm here?

I come out of the parlor into the hall, then climbed the stairs toward her, holdin that rollin pin by one of the wooden handles. When I got to where she lay, with her head pointed down and her legs twisted under her, I didn't mean to take no pause; I knew if I did that, I wouldn't be able to do it at all. There wasn't going to be any more talk. When I got to her, I meant to drop on one knee n brain her with that marble rollin pin just as hard as I could and as fast as I could. Maybe it'd look like somethin that'd happened to her when she fell and maybe it wouldn't, but I meant to do it either way.

When I knelt beside her, I saw there was no need; she'd done it on her own after all, like she done most things in her life. While I was in the kitchen gettin the rollin pin, or maybe while I was comin back through the parlor, she'd just closed her eyes n slipped off.

I sat down beside her, put the rollin pin on the stairs, picked up her hand n held it in my lap. There are some times in a person's life that don't have no real minutes in em, so you can't count em up. All I know is that I sat n visited with her awhile. I dunno if I said anything or not. I think I did - I think I thanked her for lettin go, for lettin me go, for not makin me have to go through all of it again - but maybe I only thought those things. I remember put-tin her hand against my cheek, then turnin it over and kissin the palm. I remember lookin at it and thinkin how pink n clean it was. The lines had mostly faded from it, and it looked like a baby's hand. I knew I ought to get up and telephone someone, tell em what happened, but I was weary - so weary. It seemed easier to just sit there n hold her hand.

Then the doorbell rang. If it hadn't, I would have set there quite awhile longer, I think. But you know how it is with bells - you feel you have to answer em, no matter what. I got up and went down the stairs one at a time, like a woman ten years older'n I am (the truth is, I felt ten years older), clingin to the bannister the whole way. I remember thinkin the world still felt as if it was made of glass, and I had to be damned careful not to slip on it n cut myself when I had to let go of the bannister n cross the entry to the door.

It was Sammy Marchant, with his mailman's hat cocked back on his head in that silly way he does -he prob'ly thinks wearin his hat that way makes him look like a rock star. He had the regular mail in one hand and one of those padded envelopes that come registered mail just about every week from New York - news of what was happenin with her financial affairs, accourse - in the other; It was a fella named Greenbush took care of her money, did I tell you that?

I did? All right - thanks. There's been so much globber I can hardly remember what I've told you and what I haven't.

Sometimes there were papers in those registered mail envelopes that had to be signed, and most times Vera could do that if I helped hold her arm steady, but there were a few times, when she was fogged out, that I signed her name on em myself.

There wasn't nothing to it, and never a single question later about any of the ones I did. In the last three or four years, her signature wa'ant nothin but a scrawl, anyway. So that's somethin else you c'n get me for, if you really want to: forgery. Sammy'd started holdin out the padded envelope as soon as the door opened - wantin me to sign for it, like I always did with the registered - but when he got a good look at me, his eyes widened n he took a step backward on the stoop. It was actually more of a jerk than a step - and considerin it was Sammy Marchant doin it, that seems like just the right word. 'Dolores!' he says. 'Are you all right? There's blood on you!'

'It's not mine,' I says, and my voice was as calm as it woulda been if he'd ast me what I was watchin on TV and I told him. 'It's Vera's. She fell down the stairs. She's dead.'

'Holy Christ,' he says, then ran past me into the house with his mailbag floppin against one hip. It never crossed my mind to try n keep him out, and ask y'self this: what good would it have done if I had?

I followed him slow. That glassy feelin was goin away, but it seemed like my shoes had grown themselves lead soles. When I got to the foot of the stairs Sammy was halfway up em, kneelin beside Vera. He'd taken off his mailbag before he knelt, and it'd fallen most of the way back down the stairs, spillin letters n Bangor Hydro bills n L. L. Bean catalogues from hell to breakfast.