Divided in Death (In Death #18)(111)

Her world had been rocked. She only understood how violent the shake had been now that it was steady again. Only understood, she thought, that it had been the same for him now that they were reconciled.

Reconciled, she realized, because he'd given her what she needed. He'd submerged or denied his own ego for her. And there was nothing simple or easy about it. His ego was... she'd just call it healthy since she was feeling so grateful.

He'd given in, given up his own needs, not because he stood on the same moral ground as she at the end of the day, but because he valued her and their marriage more than that ego.

"You could've lied to me."

"No." He watched the light strengthen in the sky through the window over the bed. "I couldn't lie to you."

"I don't mean you, I mean in a general sense." She shifted, skimming his hair away from his face with her fingers, then running those fingers over the stubble he'd neglected to remove that morning. "If you were less of a man you could have lied to me, done what you wanted to do, stoked your ego, satisfied yourself and moved on."

"It's hardly a matter of ego-"

"No, no." She rolled her eyes, but made sure she did so out of his range of vision. "Ego always plays a part, and I don't mean that in an insulting way. I've certainly got an ego."

"Tell me," he muttered.

"Look, look, follow along here." She shifted, scooting up so she could sit and face him.

"Can't we just lie here quietly for a few moments, so I can admire my naked wife?"

"You should like most of this because it involves all sorts of compliments and admiring comments about you."

"Well then, don't let me interrupt your train of thought."

"I really do love you."

"Yes." His lips curved. "I know."

"Sometimes I think it's because of that Plutonian-sized ego, sometimes despite it. Either way, I'm stuck on you, pal. But this isn't about that."

He stroked the back of his ringers along her thigh. "But I'm liking this very much."

"I might be feeling a little sloppy yet, but-" She slapped his hand away. "I'm back on the clock."

"Yes, I'm admiring your badge right now."

The laugh snorted out before she could stop it, but she grabbed her shirt. "What I'm saying is you're an important man, a successful man. Sometimes you make a splash about it, sometimes you don't. Depends on the purpose. You don't need to make a big deal about stuff because you are a big deal. That's one part."

"Of what, exactly?"

"Of the whole ego thing. Guys have a different kind of ego than women. I think. Anyway, Mavis claims it's connected to the dick. She's usually right about stuff like that."

"I don't know how I feel about you discussing my dick with Mavis."

"I always say you're hung like a bull and can go all night."

"That's all right, then." But since the direction of the discussion made him feel just a little exposed, he reached for his pants.

"What I'm saying is you've got a... powerful ego. You needed it to get where you are, and, I must be feeling sloppy because I'm going to say you've earned it. You're confident, confident enough in yourself, in who you are, to back away from a fight because it was important to me. You don't agree with me. What you said before, that you'd be able to live with the consequences, is true. You'd have felt justified. You'd have felt right."

"There was complicity in their neglect. They're guilty because they ignored you. More guilty because they were in a position of authority."

"I'm not arguing that." She tried to put her thoughts into cohesive words as she dressed. "You understood me enough to know if you took action in that direction it would damage me. Us. You put that first, subjugating your own ego. It takes balls to do that."

"I appreciate the sentiment, but I wonder if you could formulate metaphors that didn't include my genitalia. It's beginning to weird me out."

"You're courageous enough to do something that in some part of your heart you see as cowardly." She stepped toward him when he stopped buttoning his shirt, when he looked over at her. "You think I don't know that about you? That I don't understand the nasty little war this waged?"

She tapped a finger to his heart. "And what it cost you to surrender? It makes you the bravest man I know."

"There was nothing courageous about hurting you. And I was hurting you."

"You put me first. That was brave and that was strong. You didn't circumvent the issue by pretending to go along, then going behind my back to do what you wanted. You didn't want a lie between us."

"I don't want anything between us."

"No, because you know how to love. You know how to get the job done. How to be a man. How to take care of the people who matter, even those who don't. You're really smart, and you're capable of very scary behavior, and incredibly kind behavior. You see the big picture, but you never miss the details. You have power, more than most people could dream of, but you don't trample the little guy with it. Do you know what that makes you?"

"Words fail me."

"It makes you the exact opposite of Blair Bissel."