Different Seasons(170)
I stepped out just behind him, and Waterhouse glanced around, as if surprised to see me—and almost as if he had been startled out of a light doze. “Share a taxi?” he asked, as though we had just met by chance on this deserted, windy street.
“Thank you,” I said. I meant thanks for a great deal more than his offer to share a cab, and I believe that was unmistakable in my tone, but he nodded as if that were all I had meant. A taxi with its for-hire light lit was cruising slowly down the street—fellows like George Waterhouse seem to luck onto cabs even on those miserably cold or snowy New York nights when you would swear there isn’t a cab to be had on the entire island of Manhattan—and he flagged it.
Inside, safely warm, the taxi-meter charting our journey in measured clicks, I told him how much I had enjoyed his story. I couldn’t remember laughing so hard or so spontaneously since I was eighteen, I told him, which was not flattery but only the simple truth.
“Oh? How kind of you to say.” His voice was chillingly polite. I subsided, feeling a dull flush in my cheeks. One does not always need to hear a slam to know that the door has been closed.
When the taxi drew up to the curb in front of my building, I thanked him again, and this time he showed a trifle more warmth. “It was good of you to come on such short notice,” he said. “Come again, if you like. Don’t wait for an invitation; we don’t stand much on ceremony at two-four-nine-B. Thursdays are best for stories, but the club is there every night.”
Am I then to assume membership?
The question was on my lips. I meant to ask it; it seemed necessary to ask it. I was only mulling it over, listening to it in my head (in my tiresome lawyer’s way) to hear if I had got the phrasing right—perhaps that was a little too blunt—when Waterhouse told the cabbie to drive on. The next moment the taxi was rolling on toward Park. I stood there on the sidewalk for a moment, the hem of my topcoat whipping around my shins, thinking: He knew I was going to ask that question—he knew it, and he purposely had the driver go on before I could. Then I told myself that was utterly absurd—paranoid, even. And it was. But it was also true. I could scoff all I liked; none of the scoffing changed that essential certainty.
I walked slowly to the door of my building and went inside.
Ellen was sixty per cent asleep when I sat down on the bed to take off my shoes. She rolled over and made a fuzzy interrogative sound deep in her throat. I told her to go back to sleep.
She made the muzzy sound again. This time it approximated English: “Howwuzzit?”
For a moment I hesitated, my shirt half-unbuttoned. And I thought with one moment’s utter clarity: If I tell her, I will never see the other side of that door again.
“It was all right,” I said. “Old men telling war stories.”
“I told you so.”
“But it wasn’t bad. I might go back again. It might do me some good with the firm.”
“ ‘The firm,’ she mocked lightly. ”What an old buzzard you are, my love.”
“It takes one to know one,” I said, but she had already fallen asleep again. I undressed, showered, towelled, put on my pajamas ... and then, instead of going to bed as I should have done (it was edging past one by that time), I put on my robe and had another bottle of Beck’s. I sat at the kitchen table, drinking it slowly, looking out the window and up the cold canyon of Madison Avenue, thinking. My head was a trifle buzzy from my evening’s intake of alcohol—for me an unexpectedly large intake. But the feeling was not at all unpleasant, and I had no sense of an impending hangover.
The thought which had come to me when Ellen asked me about my evening was as ridiculous as the one I’d entertained about George Waterhouse as the cab drew away from me—what in God’s name could be wrong with telling my wife about a perfectly harmless evening at my boss’s stuffy men’s club... and even if something were wrong with telling her, who would know that I had? No, it was every bit as ridiculous and paranoid as those earlier musings ... and, my heart told me, every bit as true.
I met George Waterhouse the next day in the hallway between Accounts and the Reading Library. Met him? Passed him would be more accurate. He nodded my way and went on without speaking ... as he had done for years.
My stomach muscles ached all day long. That was the only thing that completely convinced me the evening had been real.
Three weeks passed. Four . . . five. No second invitation came from Waterhouse. Somehow I just hadn’t been right; hadn’t fit. Or so I told myself. It was a depressing, disappointing thought. I supposed it would begin to fade and lose its sting, as all disappointments eventually do. But I thought of that evening at the oddest moments—the isolated pools of library lamplight, so still and tranquil and somehow civilized; Waterhouse’s absurd and hilarious tale of the schoolteacher stuck in the privy; the rich smell of leather in the narrow stacks. Most of all I thought of standing by that narrow window and watching the frost crystals change from green to amber to red. I thought of that sense of peace I had felt.
During that same five-week period I went to the library and checked out four volumes of Algernon Williams’s poetry (I had three others myself, and had already checked through them); one of these volumes purported to be The Complete Poems of. I reacquainted myself with some old favorites, but I found no poem called “The Toll” in any of the volumes.
On that same trip to the New York Public Library, I checked the card catalogue for works of fiction by a man named Edward Gray Seville. A mystery novel by a woman named Ruth Seville was the closest I came.