Colters' Gift (Colters' Legacy #5)(28)

What if he knew, even now, what she’d done? She hadn’t been that careful. She didn’t know enough about computers to know if what she’d done could be discovered. He might have known that she’d been through his files the moment she disappeared.

As much as she’d tried not to focus on him, as much as she’d tried to shove him from her mind and move on with her life, how did she know that he wasn’t looking for her?

She’d made a big deal to the other women that she’d wanted to protect Max and Noah and Liam, and that was true, but she also feared coming into contact with him again in case he knew what she’d stolen.

It was laughable that she’d even done such a stupid thing. Especially when she had no plans to do anything with the information she’d copied from his computer. At the time, in her fragile mind, it had been an insurance policy. So that if he did ever come after her, she could threaten him.

Which made her the biggest idiot in the world. Threaten a man like Joel Knight? He could squash her like a bug and never blink an eye. She was nobody. Certainly not someone strong enough to stand up to him and back him into a corner.

She’d vowed to herself that she’d stop beating herself up over her past mistakes, but it was hard sometimes when she thought back on just how brainwashed she’d been; and then when she’d finally been gutsy enough to get out, she’d all but ensured that if he discovered what she’d taken, he’d never simply let her go and forget about her.

It was something she needed to confide in Noah and Liam. She knew she needed to tell them, but the words simply wouldn’t come. Maybe they were right in that she didn’t fully trust them yet. Maybe in time she’d feel at ease with confessing her stupidity. She just knew that right now wasn’t the time. She had to be more sure of them—of her and them.

“You’re quiet, baby,” Liam said from the backseat.

She started, suddenly aware of just how zoned out she’d been, immersed deeply in her thoughts and recriminations.

Noah reached over from the driver’s seat to take her hand, and he laced their fingers together.

“Everything okay?” Noah asked. “Did you enjoy your visit?”

Lauren smiled. No question there. “I love the Colters. Being with them always makes me happy.”

“I’ll admit, I wasn’t sure what to expect,” Liam said. “It sounds pretty incredible when someone explains the kind of relationship the Colter men have with their wives. But then when you see them together, you don’t even question it. It’s so obvious they belong together and that it works for them.”

He broke off for a long moment, and then he leaned forward, resting his elbows on the edges of Lauren’s and Noah’s seats.

“I want that for us, Lauren. That sense of rightness. The closeness. I want for people to look at us and say the same things we say about the Colters.”

Lauren turned as much in her seat as the seat belt allowed. Noah was focused on the road, but it was apparent that he was tuned in completely to the conversation.

She sighed, allowing her earlier unhappiness to escape. It was impossible to keep her mouth from turning down.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Liam asked, concern in his voice. “Are you having second thoughts? Did someone say anything to you today to change your mind?”

She slowly shook her head. “No. Holly was extremely supportive. I didn’t talk to Callie or Lily about you. Not for any other reason than this is still new and I’m not one to air my private life to everyone.”

“Then what’s made you unhappy?” Noah asked. “You’ve been in another world ever since we left, and it’s obvious you have something on your mind you’re not telling us about.”

She glanced nervously between them, not because she feared a physical response. She feared the confirmation of her realization and the bursting of her created fantasy. The intrusion of reality was not always welcome. The problem was, she’d lived outside the realm of reality for too long.

Denial didn’t change the outcome of anything.

“I was sitting at the bar with the other women, and we were all talking and I was reminded, as I always am, how much I love the Colters. And then I was struck by the thought of how wonderful it would be to live here . . . with you . . . to be with both of you and be so close to my family.”

She sucked in another breath while Liam and Noah both waited expectantly for her to continue.

“And as we drove away, I realized how impossible that is. Your lives are in New York. I realize you have feelings for me that go above and beyond me being a job to you, but once whatever threat is determined and eliminated, you’ll go on to another job. In New York. And whatever relationship we attempt would also have to be in New York. I realized how afraid I still am to be in the same city, no matter how vast, that Joel’s in. This has become home to me, and I hate the thought of having to leave it.”

There, she’d said it. She held her breath, not wanting to hear what they would say. She hated having reality intrude when things were new and exciting and hope had sprung.

“I don’t know that we’ve even given that a thought,” Noah said honestly.

“It’s certainly something we would need to discuss and work out between us,” Liam said in a careful tone. “My primary focus was you. And somehow getting you to accept what we proposed. Beyond that hurdle, I’ve given little thought to anything else, except to realize that we have to take it as it comes, one day at a time.”