Chosen at Nightfall (Shadow Falls #5)(63)

Her heart obviously wanted Lucas. Whether or not she'd give it what it wanted was another matter. But she couldn't give Derek what he wanted either. It just wasn't right.

He exhaled a frustrated gulp of air. "Why do I have a feeling this isn't going to end well?"

She glanced at him. "It may not end the way you want it, but it's the right thing."

"I'm not so sure," he said.

She led him to her cabin and then remembering Miranda and Perry could be inside working out their own issues, she flopped down on the porch step and motioned him to do the same.

Giving the door a quick look, she hoped Perry had been able to calm Miranda down. Heck, maybe they were in there having a make-up make-out session.

Taking a deep breath, she faced Derek. "You know how I feel. Why are you trying to convince yourself that it's not true?"

"What's not true? Come on, Kylie. You love me, too," he said.

She pulled one leg up to her chest and hugged it. "Yes. I won't lie, but it's not the kind that I'm feeling for Lucas. And I know you know that, because you feel what I feel."

"But if you and I got back together, we could fix this."

She shook her head. "You don't deserve that."

"Don't deserve what?" he asked. "I want you back. You think I wouldn't be happy?"

"Not really," she said. "You shouldn't be. You deserve someone who's as crazy about you as you are about them. You don't deserve someone who ... cares about someone else."

She bit her lip and realized another reason she felt so strongly about this. "This is what happened to my dad and my mom. She loved my real dad. She cared about my stepdad, but he always knew she loved my dad more. Even my mom says it's probably part of the reason he ended up cheating on her. She can't forgive him, but she knows it's partly her own fault."

He sat there frowning. "So you're going to take Lucas back. You are going to forgive him for running off and getting engaged to someone else."She tightened her hold on her leg. "He didn't really get engaged. He stopped it before he got to that point."

Derek's frown increased. "Only because you showed up-because you discovered his dirty little secret."

"I know that. And I don't know what I'm going to do. I haven't forgiven him yet, but I haven't stopped loving him either."

"But if you gave us a chance, maybe you'd really fall back in love with me. I think you were really in love with me at one time. We could get back there where we feel that way again."

"We?" She sighed, realizing what he said. "See, you don't even feel the same way anymore, either."

"I didn't mean..." He shook his head.

"Yes, you did," she said. "Derek, I think we were in love with each other," she admitted. "And I don't want to hurt you, Derek. I really do care about you and I still love you, just not ... that way. And I think it's the same with you."

He stared off at a line of trees and she knew he needed a few seconds to get his feelings in order. She saw him swallow and she felt his pain.

He inhaled. "But what we had was so great."

"I know and I'm so sorry." She felt her voice shake with emotion. Hurting him was so hard.

He looked back at her and she saw the honesty, the genuine concern in his gaze. And wasn't that just like Derek. He was such a great guy. And for that reason alone, he deserved someone who adored him, who loved him more than anyone else.

"You didn't do anything to apologize for," he said. "You really didn't. If anyone can be blamed for this it was me when I got scared and did what I did. Or maybe this is just fate. The way it was supposed to have turned out."

She nodded.

"I want one thing from you," he said. "One promise."

"What?" she asked, knowing she'd give it to him if at all possible.

"Don't stop being my friend. Don't avoid me because you think it's awkward. When you need something, don't hesitate to come to me. I can accept that we can't be boyfriend and girlfriend, but I don't want to lose you as a friend and I'm not saying that just to say it. I mean it."

She nodded. "I promise." Tears filled her eyes.

"And when you do go back to Lucas, make him understand that I'd like to still be a part of your life."

"I told you, I don't know if we will-"

He reached out and brushed an escaping tear from her cheek. "Yes, you will. Because when you love someone, you forgive them."

Her breath shook. "Like you are forgiving me right now?" And another tear escaped.

"I told you, you didn't do anything to be forgiven for. But if you did do something, yeah, I would have forgiven you."

She inhaled and stared down at her shoe. "Even if it was because of me that you couldn't complete the one thing you always wanted to do."

"I'm lost," Derek said.

"I'm sorry. I'm just thinking out loud.""About Lucas?" Derek asked.

Kylie nodded and realized how insensitive she was being. "I'm sorry," she repeated.

"Don't be." He exhaled. "This is what I'm talking about you not doing. I want you to talk to me." He gripped his hands together. "Look, I don't like saying this, but Lucas does love you. I can feel it. And he's hurting like the devil right now. Whatever it is you think he can't forgive you for, well, you're wrong."