Carter Reed 2 (Carter Reed #2)(55)

“Just keep doing what you’re doing,” I told him. And I would keep doing what I was doing. Nothing would get solved until I found Andrea, or—I couldn’t think about the alternative. After Emma’s breakdown, I don’t know if she could handle it.

“We will. I needed to know what you wanted me to do about the cops, but we’ll keep covering for you.”

“Thank you, Cole. And I’ll call you when I’m done with each spot.” I held my arm out, and he grasped it, linking our forearms. We held each other’s arms for a moment before letting go. We hadn’t done that since the early days of my training him, so long ago when he first went into hiding. I had started again with Michael, Peter, and Drake, and it felt good to have that stronghold back in my life once more.

“Are you okay? With…what you’re doing?” Cole asked.

No. It was cold out there. I shrugged. “It doesn’t matter. I have to find Emma’s sister.”

“And when you do or they—”

My eyes flashed in warning, and he heeded it, not saying the words I didn’t want to think about, not yet.

Revenge and rescue. Those had become my two missions over the last few weeks, but he was right. It was coming to an end. Either I would find Andrea, or they would kill her. I had to start thinking beyond what I was doing now. To me, the end was always with Emma and the Mauricio family, but now things were changing. I was tired of this life. I was tired of killing.

I needed out. Emma needed out.

“I don’t know.” That was all I said, for now.

I heard her in the gym as soon as I stepped inside. Michael was washing dishes. There was no greeting. He knew where I was going, and he pointed down the hallway, even though I didn’t need to be told. I dumped a bag of weapons that I’d picked up from my old place on the table and headed past him.

When I got to the gym doorway, I heard a small thump, thump as she hit the punching bag. Hunched over, her arms up next to her face, she looked fierce. But when her hand hit the bag, that ferocity left immediately. The bag didn’t move an inch.

“Are you using your whole body?” I asked.

“Yes, and my whole body is laughing at me.” Her hands fell to her sides as her shoulders slumped. “I survived a bomb and a potential kidnapping, but my body is weak, and I hate it. If my body’s going to be weak, fine, but I have to be sharp up here.” She lifted a taped hand to her head. “I broke down, Carter. I can’t do that again.”

“And you think hitting the bag will help you with that?”

“No, but sitting around doing a Sudoku puzzle will just put me back to sleep. I figure it’s the two birds with one stone thing.” She nodded to the bag again. “Thought it would help both my body and mind.”

“Emma,” I said as I stepped inside and shut the door. “You need to rest.”

She shot me a look. “You’re not resting.”

Because I couldn’t. Because there was no time. “Emma.”

“Stop.” She rolled her eyes and resumed the stance to punch again. Arms up. Feet apart. Shoulders back. “I’m useless right now, so let me do this. It makes me feel helpful, at least.”

“Emma, you have to rest. That will make your mind strong again.”

“No.” She closed her eyes and seemed in pain as she lifted her hands to press against her temples. “You don’t understand. I—f*ck it. They took her, and I can’t—” Her face contorted. She looked in agony. “They took my sister because of me, and I can’t do a damn thing about it.” Rearing back, she punched the bag in a savage motion. “My sister—because of this.” Her hand curled up and shot toward her face, like she was going to punch herself.

I grabbed for her, but she stopped just short of hitting herself. She looked at her hand, a hair’s width away from her nose, and a sickening laugh left her. Tears rolled down her face as she bent over, still laughing, still crying.

“Emma.”

She looked up. “I’m miserable, Carter. They’re torturing her because of me.”

“No.”

“Yes. Me!”

“No.” I grabbed her and hauled her close. “They’re torturing her because of me, because I love you, because I won’t let you go. That’s why.” My pulse raced. I loved her, and I was almost crazy because of it. She couldn’t blame herself. “Me, Emma. It’s my fault. Not yours. If you want to punish someone, punish me. I should’ve let you go a year ago—”

Her eyes went wild, and she surged up on her toes, moving against me. “No.”

“—but I couldn’t.” I gentled my tone. I needed to get control of myself. “I couldn’t. I’m sorry. I couldn’t let you go.”

“No, Carter.” A whimper slipped out as she shook her head. “No. You can’t say that.”

“It’s the truth.”

“I love you. This was my fault—”

“Stop it!” I shouted.

She kept hurting herself. I saw the pain that flashed in her eyes as she cast blame on her actions, on her being herself.

“She’s your blood family, and you can be curious about her,” I said, trying to be calm. “You can want to get to know her. That’s normal. That’s the right thing, a person should be able to do that. But you can’t, because of me. All of this is because of me. My god, you’re allowed to want to have a family. That’s what she is. That’s what I did. That’s the whole reason we’re in this mess, because I couldn’t be alone. AJ was dead. You were safer away from me than with me. So I let you go, but I went to the mafia. Because of that choice, your sister was taken.”