Burying Water (Burying Water #1)(19)
“I’m sorry, Ginny. There was an emergency and they needed that OR. You know how these elective surgeries can get bumped. They should have you in shortly.”
“Good, ’cuz I’m not coming back again, so we’d best be getting this gallbladder out today.”
“Yes, Mom’s working on making that happen.” Amber offers her a tight smile as she sets the tray down on the adjustable bed table. “We thought you could use something to calm your nerves while you wait.”
Ginny’s fingers pause and one sharp eye lifts to study the cups. After a long moment, she says in a slightly softer tone, “Well, go on, then. Leave them there and move along.”
So far, my new roommate isn’t the most charming person.
Amber does as asked and steps back to give the woman space. I catch the small eye roll as she turns around to face me. Otherwise, she doesn’t seem the least bit perturbed by the woman’s frosty temperament. “How are the pajamas?”
I toss off my sheet, displaying the pink two-piece set that she left on my nightstand yesterday. The second pair that she’s given me. These ones still had a tag on them. “They’re perfect. Thank you.”
She smiles. “I figured the flannel would be getting hot, now that spring’s here.”
Spring. I have no actual memories of spring and yet when Amber says the word, I’m immediately hit with the smell of fresh dirt, the tickle of warm rain against my skin, the sight of tulips and daffodils poking through the ground. The ever-present weight on my chest lifts slightly. Do I like spring? Is it my favorite season?
“You want some help getting to the bathroom?” She holds out a hand as I swing my legs over the edge of the bed and step down carefully. Though my leg cast is off, I still have to wear a brace around my knee for support.
I slowly limp my way to the small, uncomfortable bathroom with my cosmetics case in tow. Another gift from Amber. It’s filled with basic toiletries and some nice creams that I keep finding on my nightstand when I wake in the morning, little gifts from the nursing staff that I both appreciate and despise. Appreciate because their kindness for the lonely, deprived Jane Doe has ensured that I’m never without; despise because I’m at everyone’s mercy. I can’t take care of myself.
“I’ll be out here. Holler if you need me,” Amber says, shutting the door behind me.
I smile. Knowing that there are people like Dr. Alwood and Amber in the world to balance out the malicious monster who put me here is comforting. Even the sheriff is nice. Quiet, but nice. The only one in that family I can’t speak for is Amber’s brother. I haven’t seen him since that day he barged into my room.
I let the shower warm as I undress, avoiding the mirror. Even under the dull fluorescent lighting, it reveals too much. My eyes immediately search out the round tribal tattoo on my pelvis. My fingertip traces the wavy lines. The moment I first saw it, I knew that it stood for “water,” though I don’t remember getting it and I certainly don’t remember why.
All I know is that it’s the only visible tie to my past.
Dr. Weimer said that, following the general “rules” of my condition, I shouldn’t remember what it means. She said that something like that would be a part of my episodic memory. I don’t speak in tribal symbols, after all.
I have no answer for that, except that I know what it means.
But I don’t know what it means.
My palm rests against my abdomen, as it does every day, taking a few minutes to imagine what the tattoo would have looked like with a swollen belly, had I not miscarried. A hollow ache fills my chest. It is becoming more obvious, as the rest of my body heals, that the loss of my baby isn’t merely one of many injuries earned with the attack. I may not remember its conception but somehow, it still exists in my heart.
The X-rays of my pelvis confirm that I’ve never given birth before, so there is no motherless child standing by a doorway in tears, wondering why mommy hasn’t come home yet. That’s good news, at least.
Still, the existence of an unborn child means the existence of a man who I’ve shared at least one night with. Perhaps many nights. A man who doesn’t seem to be looking for me now.
No one seems to be looking for me.
In the shower, the warm, soothing water takes some of the edge off, as it does every day. Unfortunately, when it comes time to brush my teeth and comb my wet hair, that edge reemerges with a vengeance. It’s impossible to avoid my reflection. It’s not completely monstrous anymore. My skin is no longer Technicolor and my nose has healed to a narrow and small centerpiece that Dr. Alwood says turned out better than she expected. But, besides the patch of short hair where my head was shaved for stitches and the drainage tubes, the missing teeth that I hide by not smiling, and the swollen purple spot on my lip that I’m told will fade, there’s nothing to distract my attention from the unsightly line running down the length of my face. It’s still red, though not as bright and puffy as when I first saw it. Dr. Alwood keeps reminding me how lucky I am that a renowned plastic surgeon was here to help; how lucky I am that my attacker didn’t slash diagonally, cutting into an eye or across my nose. She says that within a year, some concealer and foundation will make it almost vanish.
Almost.
And yet I will see it every time I look in a mirror, from now until my last day, whether it is through the eyes of who I once was or who I have since become. Or, more likely, a jaded combination, because that original girl will never truly return.