Brown-Eyed Girl (Travis Family #4)(78)

“I told you before, I won’t stand in your way.”

“Yes, I know that,” I said with a touch of annoyance. “I’m not worried that you’ll try to stand in the way. I’m worried that you won’t try to stay in my life.”

Joe answered with the weary impatience of someone whose thoughts had been chasing in circles, just like mine. “If your life moves fifteen hundred miles away, Avery, it’s not going to be all that easy for me to stay in it.”

“What about moving there with me? We could share an apartment. There’s nothing tying you to Texas. You could pack everything up and —”

“Nothing except my family, friends, home, business, the foundation I agreed to help manage —”

“People move, Joe. They find ways to stay in touch. They make new beginnings. It’s because I’m the woman, isn’t it? Most women move when their boyfriends or husbands have a job opportunity, but if the situation’s reversed —”

“Avery, don’t give me that shit. It has nothing to do with sexism.”

“You could be happy anywhere if you make up your mind to be —”

“It’s not about that, either. Baby…” I heard a short, tense sigh. “You’re not just choosing a job, you’re choosing a life. A career on rocket fuel. You won’t have one damn minute of spare time. I’m not moving to New York so I can see you for half of one day on the weekend, and twenty minutes every night between the time you get home and the time you go to bed. I can’t see any room in that life for me, or for kids.”

My heart plummeted. “Kids,” I echoed numbly.

“Yes. I want kids someday. I want to sit on the front porch and watch them run through the sprinkler. I want to spend time with them, teach them how to play catch. I’m talking about having a family.”

It was a long time before I could say anything. “I don’t know if I would be a good parent.”

“No one does.”

“No, I really don’t. I never had any kind of family. I lived with parts of broken families. One time I came home from school and there was a new man and new kids in the house, and I found out my mother had gotten married again without even telling me. And then one day they all disappeared without warning. Like some magician’s trick.”

Joe’s voice turned gentle. “Avery, listen —”

“If I tried to be a parent and failed, I’d never forgive myself. It’s too much of a risk. And it’s too soon to be talking about this. For God’s sake, we’ve never even said —” I broke off as my throat closed.

“I know. But I sure as hell can’t say it right now, Avery. Because at the moment it would seem like nothing more than a pressure tactic.”

I had to end the call. I had to retreat.

“At the very least,” I said, “we can make the most of the time we have left. I have a month until Bethany’s wedding, and after that —”

“A month of what? Trying not to care about you any more than I already do? Trying to back away from how I feel?” There was something wrong with his breathing, something broken. His voice was no less intense for its quietness. “A month of checking off the days until the final countdown… Damn you, Avery, I can’t do that.”

Tears brimmed and slid down my cheeks in burning paths.

“What should I say?”

“Tell me how to stop wanting you,” he said. “Tell me how to stop —” He broke off and swore. “I’d rather put an end to this right now than drag it out.”

The phone was trembling in my grip. I was scared. I was as scared as I’d ever been about anything. “Let’s not talk any more tonight,” I said breathlessly. “Nothing’s changed. Nothing’s been decided, okay?”

More silence.

“Joe?”

“I’ll talk to you when you get back,” he said gruffly. “But I want you to think about something, Avery. When you told me the story about your mom’s Chanel bag, you got the metaphor dead wrong. You need to figure out what it really stands for.”

Twenty-one

Ravaged and exhausted from a sleepless night, I applied a heavier layer of makeup than usual the next morning. If the hollow-eyed look was in, I thought bleakly, I was definitely on-trend. I packed my bag and went downstairs a few minutes before I was supposed to meet Hollis, Bethany, and Kolby in the lobby. From there we would travel by limo to Teterboro Airport, about twelve miles away. The small airport, located in the New Jersey Meadowlands, was popular for private aircraft.

Heading to a lounge off the lobby, I saw Bethany sitting alone at a small table by a window. “Good morning,” I said with a smile. “You’re up early too?”

She smiled back at me, looking tired. “Can’t sleep too good with all the city noise at night. Kolby’s taking a shower. Want to sit with me?”

“Yes, I’ll get some coffee.”

In a minute, I returned to the table with my coffee and sat opposite Bethany. “I looked at the jpegs Finola sent last night,” I said. “What did you think about the skirt redesign?”

“It was pretty. Finola said they would put beading on it.”

“So you’re happy with it?”

Bethany shrugged. “I liked the panels better. But there’s no choice with my bump getting so big.”