Broken and Screwed 2 (BS #2)(94)

Kara went over to Jesse. Her hand was still firm on my arm. “Your girlfriend needs to go home. She tried sitting on the floor in there.”

Jesse grinned and scooped me into his lap. “She’s fine. She’s just letting off steam.”

“Yeah, well.” She sighed. “Derek, I think I’m ready to go?”

Jesse turned to him. “Take Jamie and Tiffany.”

“What?” Jamie protested. “No way, man. The night’s just starting.”

Tiffany swayed on her feet, giving him a sultry grin. That was all it took. He stood up. “Never mind, I recognize that look. I’m going to get lucky with my girlfriend. It’s been a damn while.”

She giggled when he pulled her close and the four of them left. As Jesse held me on his lap, he rubbed a hand up and down my back. The giggles eventually faded and my eyelids grew heavy. I must’ve fallen asleep because when I woke, he was carrying me outside. When he buckled me into the seat, I asked, “What time is it?”

“It’s late. Bar closed an hour ago.”

“Where are we?”

“Leaving the bar.”

“That makes no sense,” I mumbled, but I didn’t care. I fell back asleep. When I woke again, Jesse was carrying me into the house. My arm curved around his neck and I pressed a kiss there. “I had fun tonight.”

“Good.” He kissed me back.

“Kara called me your girlfriend,” I whispered. It was important, but I was so damn tired. I wanted to go back to sleep. I loved when he held me. I felt safe.

“Because you are. And you are safe.”

I frowned. I hadn’t meant to say that last bit out loud.

“It’s fine.” Jesse kicked open his door and set me on the bed. As he did, my eyes opened further. I was still struggling to keep them focused. He didn’t turn the light on. I was so thankful for that. I could hear him moving around before he moved me underneath the sheets and crawled in beside me. I was too tired to do anything except snuggle into him. But as he skimmed a hand down my arm and went to my waist, he started to lift my shirt up.

I was suddenly wide-awake. Desire built in me and I moved to help the shirt off.

Then we were kissing. I pulled Jesse on top of me and it wasn’t long until he was sliding inside of me. Arching my back, I closed my eyes and gave into the sensations. I loved him. Everything would be fine. I loved him.

He lingered over my lips and whispered back as he continued thrusting into me, “I love you too.”

My eyelids flew up. I hadn’t meant to say that, again, but I was caught by his gaze. I saw the love in him as he quickened the tempo. Something settled in my chest. Peace. Contentment. Whatever it was, it felt good. It felt right.

When we were done, I murmured without thinking, “I can’t think about what Ethan did.”

His arms tightened around me, but he only kissed my shoulder.

My chest filled. The pain was right there. I let it go. I had to. “I don’t want to think about him wanting to kill himself. That’s not the brother I knew. The one I knew watched over me. He took care of me. He wouldn’t want to hurt me and dying was the worst way to do that. I can’t think of him like that.”

“He was sick, Alex.”

I heard the thick emotion in his voice. I didn’t look up. I was swallowing my own back.

His voice was rough as he continued, “He went into a dark depression. He wouldn’t get help. I tried to push him, but Ethan refused. He stopped talking to me towards the end.”

My eyes closed. An invisible hand was on my chest, pushing down. My ribcage felt like it was going to break. “That was when he started hanging out with Jeremy Benson and Barbie?”

“Yeah.” His chest rose up and down as he took a deep breath. “Yeah.”

Flashes of him came to me. As he ruffled my hair, the same way the bartender had done to Bri’s hair earlier. As he rolled his eyes at something our mom said or how he smacked a towel against my butt when we were forced to do the dishes together. I gasped. More pain flooded in. I couldn’t hold it back and the tears started. They slid down my face, down to Jesse’s arm that he had wrapped around me. He felt them, but neither of us said a word.

“I miss him.”

“I do too.”

“I can’t think of him sick. I can’t think of him like that. It breaks me, Jesse. I can’t do it. I have to think about him as he was to me. I loved my brother.” I corrected myself, “I love my brother.”

I love you too.

I never heard those words, but I imagined them.

Then I took another deep breath and tried to push some of that pain away. I moved onto the next topic, one that I figured would always leave a hole in me. “My parents are never going to be there for me. I know this now.” My voice grew hoarse and I faltered. My lungs filled with air. My throat burned at the same time. “I don’t know why my dad acts how he does. I have no idea, but I can’t love them. They don’t love me. It’s going to be hard, but I have to somehow move on without them in my life. I just won’t have parents. That’s the best way for me to handle it. They’re never going to get better. They’re never going to want me in their lives and dote on me like loving parents. That’s just not who they are. It might’ve been them before, but not anymore. Ethan’s death changed everything. I think it broke my mom. It almost broke me.”