Broken and Screwed 2 (BS #2)(42)

I didn’t look up. I couldn’t.

“What’s wrong? You okay?”

With tears streaming down, I looked up.

My heart was reaching out in pain, in anguish, in agony. Wondering why, wondering the reason. Where are you? I wonder.

Luke’s voice picked up again. I felt those words and looking over again, I saw a mirrored torment in the girl across from us.

I shook my head and sat up. “I have to go. We have to go.”

“What?” Jesse cast a cursory look to the stage. “I wanted to stay and chill.”

Scrambling off his lap, I shrugged. I tried for casual, but it was freeing to be away from his touch. He opened the can of past haunts. His touch was all it took for my ghosts to be released. I drew in a calming breath. I couldn’t have that so I ignored my pounding heart. “You can stay. Whatever. I can call someone to pick me up.”

He scowled at me and shoved up from the seat. “Don’t be dramatic, Alex. I brought you here. I’ll take you home.”

I ignored the avid audience we had around the campfire. In the distance, the band had paused and a new song started. It had the same haunting melody. The words were different, the notes were altered, but its meaning was the same. Pain. Whoever had written that song and the last was in under a mountain of the same agony I held inside.

I couldn’t be there to hear any more of it. “Are we going? I’m leaving.”

Jesse was grumbling behind me, but I left and didn’t wait. As I walked up the hill, I realized that I didn’t know where he had parked the car so I went to the playground instead. Taking a seat on one of the swings, I felt him coming. I heard the soft thud on the grass, but my heart was thumping so loudly in my chest—it wouldn’t stop.

He waited in front of me. His voice was chilling to hear, so soft against the harshness inside of me. “Are you going to tell me what that was about?”

I jerked a shoulder up. My head remained in a fixed position, looking down. There was no way he was going to see the tears threatening to spill.

“Fine. Whatever. I’ll go and get the car.”

Good.

I meant to say that out loud, but my throat failed me.

I was primed and ready for the fight. When Jesse was like this, when I was like this, we always fought. Okay. That wasn’t true. We never fought because I had been too weak and too sad to stand up for myself. During that first year, I let him treat me how he did. I never said a word against him. The only thing or the only person I ever stood my ground for was Ethan.

That person was gone. I didn’t mean my brother.

I had changed so I waited the entire car ride back to my dorm. I waited for him to say something, but he didn’t. His jaw was clenched tight and he gripped the steering wheel until his knuckles were white, but he never said a word.

As he pulled to the front door of my dorm, I reached for the handle.

“Wait.”

My shoulders tensed. Here it was.

“I’m sorry for whatever I did to make you uncomfortable.”

I could only blink at him. What did he say?

He fidgeted under my stare. “Was I acting too couple-y? I know we’re not like that and I know we don’t talk about things, but can you tell me what I did?”

My hand let go of the handle. I sat back in the seat. He was self-conscious. I had never seen Jesse self-conscious. It was a different look, one that pulled at my heartstrings and I couldn’t have this conversation because of that. One word, one touch, all of it would come crashing down on me.

I looked at the door. I should go.

It was like he sensed it because he said, “Please, Alex. Can you tell me?”

I shook my head. “You didn’t do anything.”

“Did I say something?”

“You didn’t say anything either.”

“Then what? I wanted to spend time with you. You and those guys, you’re the only ones who don’t care who my dad is or what I do on the court. That’s sad, isn’t it?” His hands were curled into balls and he was pressing them into his lap now. “I really needed some time with you. If that makes me a loser or pathetic, whatever. Fine. I’m pathetic. I want to spend time with you. I want to be with you. Please don’t go.”

Oh my god. He was almost begging me. A vulnerable look was in his eyes. I felt him stripped and raw in front of me.

I was struggling.

I wanted to go. Badly. I didn’t. I couldn’t get myself to leave. Then I sighed, “You didn’t do anything, Jesse.”

“Then what? What happened? You were fine and then you weren’t. I could feel it from you. You wanted to bolt, but I don’t know what I did.”

“You didn’t. Honest.”

He blew out a breath in annoyance. “Then Sarah or Marissa. What’d they say to you?”

“Nothing.”

I tried to lie, but my voice broke on that word. That wasn’t true.

His eyes flashed. He knew. “Which one?”

I heard the savagery in him. This wasn’t good. “Your ex is a bitch.”

“I know. That’s why I broke up with her. All that saint stuff was an act. I couldn’t stomach it anymore.” He frowned. “Was it Sarah?”

“No.” My head went down. My gut bottomed out as I whispered that word.