Blue-Eyed Devil (Travis Family #2)(54)

"Too bad," he said. "All the best conversations do. Go on, sweetheart."

I took a deep breath. "While we were kissing, I felt his erection, and all the desire just disappeared. Poof. After what I went through with Nick, the feel of that has a lot of bad connotations for me."

"Went through what?" he asked quietly. "You've never told me. Although I've had my suspicions."

"The night I left Nick," — I looked away from Todd as I made myself say it — "we had rough sex."

"Rough sex?" Todd asked. "Or rape?"

"I don't know." I was drowning in shame. "I mean, we were married. But I didn't want to do it, and he forced me, so I guess — "

"It was rape," he said flatly. "It doesn't matter if you're married or not. If you don't want to do it and someone forces you, it's rape. Holy shit, I'd like to kill the bastard." Todd's face was dark with a fury I'd never seen in him before. Bui as he stared at me, his expression changed. "Haven, sweetheart . . . you know if a woman's ready, aroused, it's not going to hurt. Especially if the man knows what he's doing, which I have no doubt Hardy does."

"Yes, but even though my mind knows it, my body doesn't. So as soon as I felt that huge thing pressing against me, I couldn't stop myself from going into a blind panic. I felt positively nauseous. God." I wrapped myself tighter in the green chenille as if it were a cocoon.

"Haven't you talked about this stuff with the therapist yet?"

I shook my head. "We're still working on my boundary issues. And she's on vacation for the next two weeks, so I'll have to wait until she's back to help me deal with this."

"Sex isn't a boundary issue?"

I frowned at him. "I've had a lot more important things to worry about than sex."

Todd opened his mouth to reply, appeared to think better of it, and closed it again. After a moment he said, "So just when things were getting hot, you told Hardy to stop."

"Yeah." I rested my chin on my bent knees. "And I . . . I wasn't very nice about it."

"What did he say? What was his reaction?"

"He didn't say much of anything. But I could tell he was pissed."

"Well, yeah, guys tend to get pretty frustrated when they're hung out to dry, sexually speaking. But the point is, Hardy didn't hurt you, right? He didn't try to make you do something you didn't want?"

"No."

"I'd say that means you're pretty safe with him."

"I didn't feel safe."

"I think at this point, safety isn't a feeling, it's a process. Starting with trust. Why don't you try telling Hardy some of things you've told me?"

"He won't be able to handle it. I know he won't. He'll be headed for the exit door before I can even finish telling him what a basket case I am."

"You're not a basket case," Todd said calmly, "and he's no f**king wimp, Haven. I think the reason you're drawn to him is that deep down you know he can handle anything you could throw at him."

"But what if he doesn't want to?"

"Here are your options: you can give him a chance to cowboy up, or you can walk away without ever finding out. And then you'll have to face this same deal with the next guy you're attracted to."

"Or . . . "

"Or what?"

I moistened my lips nervously. "I could practice with you first."

I had never seen Todd at a loss for words before. But his eyes widened, and his mouth opened and closed, fishlike, for at least ten seconds. "You're asking me to go to bed with you?" he finally managed to ask.

I nodded. "If I'm going to freak out or throw up in the middle of it, I'd rather it be with you. And if I can manage to get through it with you, I'll know I can do it with Hardy."

"Oh, shit." Todd started to laugh helplessly, grabbing my hand and kissing the palm. "Sweetheart. Haven. No." He kept my hand, laying his cheek gently against my palm. "I would love to help you through this, little friend, and I'm totally honored that you asked.

But right now you don't want a f**k-buddy. You want a hell of a lot more than that. And somewhere, not far from here, there's a big, blue-eyed roughneck who's dying to show you a good time in bed. If I were you, I'd give him a try." I felt his smile press against the edge of my hand as he added, "If you can get past him being so ugly and scrawny, that is."

When he released my hand, I closed my fingers around my palm as if his kiss were a lucky penny. "Todd, when you danced with Liberty . . . did she say anything about Hardy?"

He nodded. "She told me in spite of that thing that went down with Gage's business deal, she doesn't see any danger in you and Hardy being interested in each other. Based on what she knows about him from the time they both lived in that little craphole town — "

"Welcome."

"Yeah, whatever." Todd was not a fan of small-town living. "Based on that, Liberty doesn't think he'd hurt you. She said Hardy had always gone out of his way to keep from leading her on, and he'd done what he could to help her. In fact, she thinks the two of you might even do each other some good."